had to move fast

Don't laugh.

Though I'm in complete shock and fear about this, I just did an intake with a midwifery service back home. I really want a midwife, and it's almost impossible to get one in our area, so I had to call ASAP (and I'm still not guaranteed acceptance).

I can always cancel if things go badly.

The person doing the intake knew nothing about IVF. She wanted to know the date of my last period, and I had to explain to her why it wasn't relevant. This isn't a slight on her. It's just that, as she said herself, I was the first woman she's come across who's ever done IVF. Everyone around there gets pregnant easily and 'naturally' except for me.

I hope I haven't jinxed myself somehow. It would be awful to phone back to cancel.

8dp5dt: no really, happy mother's day to me?

I couldn't wait until tomorrow; I was a ball of nerves all weekend. If those dang tests were as sensitive as they say, I reasoned that today was just as good as tomorrow.

Yes+. (Of course, today of all days, both of my cameras refuse to load the picture onto my computer...)

I'm of two minds about this: one mind is thrilled and the other is $hit-scared. I know all this test means is that I have HCG in my system, but who knows how much. There's no way this could still be the trigger, could it?

I want this so much I feel as though it'll be taken away again. With that in mind, I'm going to break the news to DH in a very low-key way. He's out golfing after work; I don't think he'll be home until 9 tonight. I think I'll just say simply that I tested early, and I'll give him the stick.

I'm scared! But out of sheer gratitude I want to go kiss Dr Hannam square on the lips! I mean it! lol

Thank you so much, you guys, for the prayers, well wishes, good vibes, etc. I know they helped. Please, if you're able, keep them coming. This is the closest I've ever gotten.

7dp5dt...Happy MD to me (*rolls eyes*)

I guess I could POAS already - especially if my test is supposedly so sensitive to HCG - but why torment myself with a negative on Mother's Day?

Besides, I'd rather pretend to be pregnant today - maybe it's the only real MD I'll ever have. (This isn't a plea for sympathy; again, just bein' realistic.) Pretending is not that hard: the drugs are messing with me. Yesterday I had (the mildest) nausea, abdominal crampiness, sore bbs, and an overheated body. But, really, none of it's anything to get excited over: I double-checked the s/e of Estrace and Prometrium, and everything I have can be blamed on those dang supps.

There is just no way to know for sure until the beta(s).

I hate Mother's Day, incidentally, partly because it's just a big fat commercial grab. I have never made a big deal of MD; instead, I try to be nice to my mom all the time. I do things for her, call her, take her shopping, wash the dishes for her, etc. Isn't that nicer, anyway? So I will phone my mom tonight and talk with her for an hour, and I know she'll like that better than a bouquet of flowers. I'm not cheap, incidentally. I'd just rather spend money and time on people in different ways.

The other reason I hate MD is because, really, our society does not value mothers, and it hasn't for at least the last 2,000 years (e.g., read Adrienne Rich's Of Woman Born). Mothers are among the most overworked and undervalued people around. One day out of the year to 'honour Mother' is not enough.

You want to honour moms? Why not:
a) support teen moms and single moms? E.g., if we want to be pro-life, and encourage women and girls with unexpected pregancies to birth their children and then either raise them themselves or place for adoption, we have to start giving emotional and financial support to this issue. Put the $ where the mouth is. Everyone's got an opinion, but how many people are actually doing anything about it?;
b) have a funded public daycare system, so that women who don't want to be SAHM (or who are feeling extremely overwhelmed) can get out of isolation?;
c) change the public attitude toward 'biological' children and 'adopted' children so that infertility doesn't have to be a big effing secret, and so that adoption could be a first choice for everybody, not just infertiles?;
d) give infertile women a public and ritualized way to grieve failed cycles and miscarried and stillborn children, so that their sorrow is publicly recognized rather than being a big fat dirty secret?
e) realize that it's not just 'birth moms' who are mothers? Where, in the word 'Mom,' are the adoptive moms, the aunts, the sisters, the female cousins, the teachers, the friends, and Mother Earth? We've got to re-broaden the definition of motherhood. You all know as well as I do that in our hearts, which are situated above an empty uterus, we are mothers, too. We've chosen a very long, hard, and heartrending road to get to a child. If that doesn't make a Mom, I don't know what does.

THAT all would show Mom (I'm speaking abstractly here, of course) that we love her and ourselves.

This is my rant, and I'm proud of it. :)

Maybe I'm contradicting myself here, but I do have a most beautiful MD story to share. Remember the hilarious movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? (If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for?) The very talented writer and star, Nia Vardalos, struggled for years with infertility. Eventually a three-year-old girl was placed for adoption with her and her husband (Ian Gomez, from Felicity), and they are overjoyed. She wrote a an immensely touching piece about it for People magazine, including a gorgeous story about her priest's blessing of the child. I encourage you to read it, if you're able.

Happy MD to you, today and every day.

the poetics of poas

Ok, a few days ago I talked about what kind of pee stick to buy. I like the fact that the two-liners are cheaper, but I find them impossible to decipher. Digitals cost more, but the results are clear: it's either Yes and Amen! or You Suck!.

I have always been under the impression that digitals were less sensitive than the 'two-liners,' and my previous RE said this to me, too, so I wasn't planning to go digital this time. But several of you folks commented to me that the opposite was true. I think you guys know more than my RE on this topic, since she herself is perfectly fertile, and has a bunch of kids. (I.e., so how much could she really know about the finer points of pee sticks?)

I wondered what to do, then, at this obviously critical juncture of my life. I need to know what to pee on! I must be more discriminating than, for example, the average fire-hydrant-fascinated-dog.

So I went to www.peeonastick.com, which is a wealth of information on poas, including a handy chart on the sensitivity level of many kinds of pregnancy tests. However, I'm leery of the results, partly because it seems to be an American site, so who knows if the Canadian equivalents are the same or not? Plus some of the Canadian brands aren't included on the chart, anyway.

I ended up trusting you guys and buying a First Response digital. This despite my annoyance with First Response TV commercials, which claim that "science is getting close" to being able to tell you "the moment you're pregnant." Bu!!shit, as we all know! There's a better chance of our belly buttons turning purple on successful implantation, in my humble opinion.

However, the First Response was cheaper than the Clearblue by $6, so my pocketbook won out. I was content, and stashed the stupidly neon pink box under the bathroom sink so that DH won't find it, since he most assuredly doesn't want me to test on my own. (Right, as though I'm going to wait until Friday for the beta. I need to know ASAP whether or not my body is harbouring mutant life.)

Now, I saw on www.ivfconnections.com - on the 2ww board - that a very trustworthy Canadian vet shared her experience with digitals. She got a positive on a digital when her beta that day was only 7 (and it was a chemical pregnancy). I thought all tests picked up between 25-50 units of HCG, so this was news to me.

I do not want false hope. I don't want a test to pick up such a low level of HCG, then get all excited, and then find out again via my beta that it's not viable.

I'm really glad I happened across that vet's post, though, so that I know this in advance. I will still use the First Response on Tuesday morning, but if I get a positive, I know now not to get too excited until the beta. I wouldn't have gotten that crazy, anyway, since I'd be too scared to be happy, but now I'm aware that I really can't go any shade of crazy.

6dp5dt

Two more days after today.

DH took me for a long drive last night, a fish 'n' chips dinner, and ice cream at a rural stand. That was nice; it was so warm and sunny outside.

Have nothing new to say. Just waiting. Trying to get my thesis done within two weeks, since we're moving at the end of June.

Oh, one new thing. Yesterday I bought the pee stick that I'm gonna use on Tuesday. (A digital, so there's no guessing.) Not to pressure myself or anything.

Oh, I am seriously going mad!

My favourite barista at my local coffee shop told me that it's a full moon tomorrow, and due to my particular astrological sign, I'll be under extra emotional pressure this weekend.

Seriously, that's what he said to me, unbidden! I groaned aloud!

5dp5dt, and thinking about that other 19%

After today, three more days to wait.

The sick-dread feeling is starting to set in. I woke up early with a racing heart (and the urgent need to pee, of course!).

I know I should just chill out. I was briefly pregnant last time with at least one of the crappy three-day embryos, so I know I stand a much better chance now with these blasts. 81%, as I was quoted by my RE, who also implied that he'll be surprised if I don't get a positive beta. It doesn't get much better than that, and I really don't have a right to post about my anxiety. Odds are that I have nothing to worry about.

But the what-ifs are creeping in. That other 19%. Who's to say I won't fall on the wrong side of statistics again? Someone has to.

I'm not whining: just being realistic.

I don't feel all that different. Every symptom I have - e.g., hot flashes, a dizzy-ish spell yesterday, some pulling feelings in my abdomen, super-sore bbs - can be blamed on leftover HCG from the trigger, Prometrium, and the Estrace.

Dr H said that if I got pg, my OHSS would get worse. But I feel all better. :( I guess I wouldn't have enough HCG built up, though, to re-trigger the OHSS, right? (I hope I'm right on this point.)

I think this is a slight folly of IVF'ers (for many of us, anyway) who make it to transfer: we know there were embryos placed in our womb, so we believe we should feel something, anything. We're indoctrinated to believe that symptoms should kick in immediately, and when we do have them, we oughta know it's because of the leftover HCG and the progesterone and the estrogen pills ... but we still believe in our hearts that since we're 'pregnant until proven otherwise,' we should know.

I went through this worry during IVF #1. I didn't feel anything - even though I knew it was too early for that - so I reasoned that it failed. I went through nights screaming. I did feel something the night before I got a true +: twinges in my uterus that I'd never experienced before. Then I knew. And then I did get confirmation on 11dp3dt, my one and only confirmed - though shortlived - BFP. I have to remind myself of this experience. I wish I had blogged during that time so that I could reread my words from that time and reassure myself that it's ok not to feel anything so soon. It's too early for symptoms.

It's so hard, this not knowing.

I do have the frozens, so if I get a BFN, it's not completely over. I have to think of this, too. Though I'd have to wait a year to do an FET, since we'll be living so far away. And we're too broke from all our IF treatments to do it immediately. DH and I were laughing last night because as of July 1, we have NO income until the middle of September. What else can we do but laugh?

(I just keep thinking: if it's negative, how will I ever break the news to DH?)

I'm not asking for sympathy here. What I'm feeling isn't unusual for anyone in this kind of situation. But thanks for listening!

4dp5dt, and thinking about 'fertile' vs 'infertile'

Implications of suddenly being rendered 'fertile'

I've been thinking about my current fertility status: Am I really an infertile?

From Day 1 of TTC, more than seven years ago, I was considered the infertile one. For my first RE, it seemed like an easy diagnosis, I guess. I had PCOS. I was charting, though, and while it was clear to me that I was only anovulatory very, very rarely (i.e., never), the RE looked only at one month's worth of temp-taking - which happened to be the one anovulatory chart I had - and said that I was anovulatory, period (no pun intended). He didn't look at any of my ovulatory charts. DH did two basic semen analyses, and though his results were deemed 'on the low side' of the numbers, no further testing was done.

So I worked to make myself fertile. I was already eating well and exercising, so I wasn't sure what else I could do, but I kept trying. I added supplements. I kept reducing bad carbs. I did the prescribed Clomid, even though I didn't see how it was going to help. Nothing. It did help to lengthen my short-ish luteal phase, though, which was a good thing.

I pushed and pushed for more diagnostic tests for myself: HSG, laparoscopy, hysteroscopy. Bloodwork was great (I had lowered my LH:FSH from 78:4 to the normal 1:1, all without medication). Everything was considered normal, even excellent. Ovaries actually didn't look too bad. I was ovulating on my own every 30-38 days, and sustaining a 14-day luteal phase.

I kept wondering: if I'm ovulating and everything is normal, why am I not pregnant without medical intervention? After 3 or 4 years of trying on our own, I kept thinking that I should have ended up with something.

New clinic. RE says that I likely have a subtle hormone imbalance that we'll work to correct, and I should end up pregnant through injects and IUIs. I said hesitantly that I didn't think she'd find anything. She disagreed. I was right.

The IUI showed severe male factor. The first IVF confirmed this fact. Out of 11 mature (good quality) eggs, only 5 fertilized (whereas 80% fertilization is usually the norm), 2 died on Day 3, and I got pregnant with two 'average' Day 3-ers, but miscarried. We had wanted to try going to blast, but the clinic didn't recommend it, for obvious reasons. The RE recommended donor sperm.

Now, our new RE - who is fabulous, in case I haven't said that often enough - ordered every male factor test I requested, plus more. And it seems that, though DH's swimmers are defunct in every which way on the exterior, the interior seems to be okay. Then, with the ongoing help of Coast Reproductive Male Fertility vitamins, distilled fish oil supplements, a produce-based organic diet, exercise, little alcohol and lots of water - as well as (I think) a better lab and better embryologist - we got six embryos grown to blasts.

Lesson #1 for me: you get what you pay for. This current RE cost more, but we definitely got our money's worth. DH says he won't even consider moving the frozens elsewhere: when we use them for FET, we'll fly back to the current clinic.

Lesson #2 for me: be more assertive. I'm too much of a pushover. My #1 regret in TTC-ing is that I didn't push the issue regarding testing THE OTHER HALF OF THE BABY-MAKING TEAM. A simple sperm wash done immediately - and which costs only around $200 - would have revealed the male factor, thereby saving us years of heartache, and years of me beating myself up for not being 'fertile.'

So am I fertile? Or am I infertile? I guess it depends on how those terms are defined. I mean, I still have no baby in my arms. And, thanks to doctors' misdiagnoses, I've considered myself infertile for so long, that's how I feel inside. I do not identify with 'fertiles.' Yet, really, clinically speaking, I am not infertile. All my functions work; I just ovulate a few days later than what's considered 'normal.' If I were baby-making with someone who had no fertility problems, I know I would have been knocked up a long time ago. (I don't know if I could carry a pregnancy, obviously, since we haven't gotten that far yet, but I do know in my heart that I wouldn't have a problem getting pregnant to begin with.)

But the idea of being fertile is new knowledge for me, and hard to wrap my head around. I am trying, though, to reconcile myself to my fertile body.

I guess, though - looking at this issue from another perspective - that this is a partnership, and so if my DH is infertile, so am I. It really sucks. But thank goodness we finally found a proper doctor who really wants to help.

Note to my Mutant friends, Valleiko and Sara: Do you guys have my e-mail addy? I'm dying to talk to you, and I can't find my Mutant e-mail list.

DH (meaning 'dear husband,' not Dr Hannam! lol)

I'm starting to think that DH wants this even more than I do.

E.g.:

~IVF #2 was his idea.

~He was perfectly lovely during the ER and afterward. E.g., he stroked my hair and held my hand while I endured the second Egg Retrieval from Hell. During ET, he was miffed because I didn't squeeze his hand harder when I was in pain.
(He is usually very cuddly, though...)

~He phoned me from work five times (the morning of the 3rd day after retrieval) to get the embie report.

~In the event that this IVF works, he has already decided that he will tell his side of the family via his 9-year-old niece (my darling), and that she can decide what order in which to tell people. (I have no clue how I'd tell anyone - the idea of spreading the news would terrify me. I used to think about this, but now I've blocked it all out.)

~He stares reverently at my porn star boobs and swollen stomach. I ask peevishly what he wants, and he says, "You look soooo hot." (Oh, I guess this warrants a TMI alert. lol)

~I told him the other day that my waist gained an inch overnight (due to OHSS), and he made up a song about how his guys grew an inch, and he sang it for half an hour and waved his socks around for emphasis.

~On our way out the door last night, he patted my belly softly.

As much as I complain about him sometimes, I've come to realize that our occasional fights are always the result of either miscommunication (e.g., I've said a word that he doesn't know, or he meant something that I misinterpreted) or the difference in our birth order (e.g., I'm eldest and he's youngest, so he can be whiny sometimes, whereas I can be a perfectionist). Despite the fact that we're nearly polar opposites, we're really perfect for each other. Good thing, too, because I was never crazy about the whole marriage thing, so it's good that it's all working out.

I just can't believe my luck: that he wants this, too. He wants a baby with me.

Is it a cliche already to say I really hope this works?

update

Just went for a sleep study last night at a sleep disorder clinic. I don't know what the point of that was, actually. This IVF cycling has messed up my sleep cycle - I'm sleeping earlier, waking earlier, and getting up twice a night to pee - so I hope my clinician got accurate data. That bed sucked, so I'm zonked and sore now. But happy that I finally got a sleep study done, since I've been on a waiting list for years.

IVF nurse phoned me yesterday; now I have to e-mail her every day with my OHSS data, since some of my symptoms are wonky. I'm glad the RE is so 'with it' regarding this stuff. I had mild OHSS last time, and my previous clinic never checked with me to see how I was doing. They didn't ask even though my E2 went way over 15,000!

After today, I have to live through five more days until testing...

Btw: I liked reading all the responses to my last post (on imagined children), so thanks for sharing. Please do not worry if you post a contrary opinion - I like to know what people are thinking when I post opinions. And everyone's in a different situation, and has different reasons for why they would or wouldn't. (I may have gotten the title wrong for Long-Awaited Stork - I'll have to check. I read so many IF books when I was doing graduate work on the topic, I think I may have mixed some of them up in my mind!)

Am gonna post later about my DH. He knows about this blog, though he's never read it, and I have strict instructions not to write about him, but I do anyway. *Rolls eyes* How can I write about IF without talking about him? Anyway, I have some nice things to say, so why not?

(Oh, DH did say I was supposed to tell you all that none of those embryos are HIS babies - they are Dr. H's. He knows because he saw the doctor do it. *Roll eyes again*)

theoretical children

I don't ever, contrary to many fertiles' misconceptions about infertiles, construct imaginary children. E.g., I don't think about a child with Daddy's nose and Mommy's toes. Why torture myself, you know?

This is why I take offense to many critics and self-help-book writers (e.g., I seem to recall that The Long-Awaited Stork is one of them) who 'kindly' advise infertile women that their expectations for their as-yet unconceived offspring are unreasonable. These critics seem to believe that ALL infertile women create dream children in dream homes with dream partners, and that everyone is happy all day long. These critics simply assume that all infertiles construct fertile worlds for themselves, and they chastise us for making up 'perfect' children to dream about.

I have never taken a flight of fantasy about my future children - why make myself hurt worse than I do already? - so I don't understand why so many fertiles have this stereotype about us. I think fertiles worry that if we infertiles do eventually have kids, we'll have unrealistic expectations of our offspring. I beg to differ; I'd say the opposite situation would be in force: I think we've had more time to observe what kids are really like and to consider our parenting styles. I know I have.

Maybe I'm an anomaly, though. Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe everyone else does fantasize? Don't get me wrong - I am a dreamer, an imaginative person. I see shapes and colours and possibilities where many others see only futility. But I can't bring my imaginative life to the nonsense that is TTC. It would hurt too much.

If you're interested in this topic (and especially if you disagree with me, perhaps), British author Hilary Mantel has a poignant memoir entitled Giving Up the Ghost in which she discusses infertility and her imagined child, a daughter. Mantel had really terrible endo and was never able to have a baby, and so she describes her ordeal of handling her relationship to her imaginary daughter who could never be: her process of giving up her dearly beloved ghost.

update

Ribs feel much, much better: today I can breathe without pain.

Fluid buildup around my abdomen remains, but it's not bothering me (just making my jeans tight).

This new peeing at night habit must end (unless it develops into a bonafide pregnancy symptom, of course). I got up twice last night to go to the bathroom. Pain in the @ss.

7 days until testing.

beta

My nurse just called. Apparently the lab still had an extra six embies they were watching last night (this is on top of the four frozens), but they all arrested this morning. Perhaps they would have done better in vivo - who knows? Gives me a weird feeling.

My beta has been moved to Friday, May 15. I don't know why, but I didn't ask because that was fine with me!

I will start testing on the 12th, though. And not a moment sooner, you POAS pushers out there! You know who you are! ;) hahaha

Seriously, I do need in-person help with the POAS thing. Though I do know how to pee on a stick all by myself, I cannot decode and interpret those tests to save my life. (I never was one for using them in the first place: I always waited for af, though in retrospect I wish I hadn't.) I could just get a digital, but they're not as sensitive to HCG.

Plus I need the moral support!

OHSS watch

I gained an inch around my waist overnight, but my weight stayed the same (possibly even a pound less).

My ribs don't hurt as much this morning.

Is the fluid just shifting around?

We ended up with ...

Six strong blasts!

Wow.

I was so startled to hear these words - straight from Dr H's mouth - that I missed most of what he said afterward.

I was hoping - best-case scenario - that we'd have one or two ok ones for transfer.

Six exceeds my wildest expectations.

I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that after all of our shitty luck on this crap for years and years ... something actually went according to plan (so far...).

Doc verified my OHSS status. I do have fluid leaking into my torso: that is why it hurts to breathe, walk too fast, laugh, sneeze, etc. He said we were taking a risk by transferring in spite of the OHSS - since the symptoms will get worse if pregnancy occurs - but that he was willing to try it, if I was.

The embryologist did assisted hatching yesterday, but apparently it wasn't really needed, as all the embies were hatching independently. YEAH!!!

The transfer itself - of 2 - went smoothly. I had to piss like a racehorse, so DH kept humming in my ear a song he made up about Niagara Falls and bubbling brooks.(Thanks, honey.)

I got to keep the petri dish. I don't know what I'll do with it. I guess it'll make an interesting candy dish. I didn't get a picture, like I did last time. But I don't care.

Dr H said that our chance of a clinical pregnancy this round is 81%, and if it doesn't work, then a subsequent FET should (crossed fingers) do the trick. He said that our cycle was near-perfect - ah! I fear those words! let's not jinx it all! - and that in the 'IVF World,' we are both considered very fertile. (So I guess DH's sample turned out pretty good, after all! The extra strength vitamins and organic food and exercise did make a big difference.) The doctor also said that if we were living in a country that funded IVF (like Israel), he would just say to keep trying, and that we would eventually succeed.

Wow, wow, wow.

I'm embarrassed to say all this. I was even hesistant to write it all out here: feel like I'm going to jinx it.

And I feel guilty, thinking about everyone else I know in the blogosphere whose TTC plans have gone awry.

Another couple was in at the same time, and from what we gathered (there was only a cloth curtain separating us, otherwise I never would have listened in), all their embies arrested overnight, and they were left with nothing to transfer. That could have been us. That should have been us.

______________________________________________

Afterward, we walked to a tiny little creperie and had the most fantastic French crepes ever: brie with raspberry jam. Oh my goodness. DH stared lustfully at my crepe, but I did not allow him to have a bite! And I snagged a cream cheese-salmon-dill crepe, as well, for an afternoon snack!

The sun was dancing up and down in the bosom of the sky! ;)
______________________________________________

Finally, I went for acupuncture. Was too wound up to sleep: I just wanted to go yell my joy with DH!

sick.....

I'm sick. I rarely get sick. Maybe once/year? So of course I'm ill the day before transfer. My timing is impeccable.

In case it is not just the flu (and considering my weird muscle symptoms), my nurse said I had to start chugging Gatorade, too, and to phone the RE and go to emerg if it gets worse. (Yes, another reason why I like this clinic - the emergency phone is with the doctor himself.)

So I'm gonna drink yucky Gatorade and watch the first few episodes of Season 3 of The Tudors. It's available online. which is good, since it's not airing in Canada, for whatever dumb reason.

And I have my good friend, Percocet. So it's all good. :D

preparing for tomorrow

Ok, antibiotics are sliding down the hatch!

This is all I can do!

Should I shave my legs? I'd feel like a total IF virgin if I did, but maybe it would add a nice touch? lol

Btw, is it normal for all my torso muscles to hurt after ER? It is painful to breathe deeply, to sneeze, to cough, to walk fast, etc. It's not the interior (e.g., lungs) that hurts: it's definitely the muscles from my ribs to my pelvis. I asked DH if I was restrained during the ER - since I don't remember all of it - and he said no. I told my nurse, and she didn't seem concerned.

*Shrug*

Thanks again for all the prayers and well wishes! Also someone a few weeks ago (you know who you are) sent me a highly sarcastic shot of baby dust, which made me laugh my a$$ off! I just remembered it now and laughed again (even though that makes my stomach hurt! haha), so thanks!

phew!

still have 15 embies

3 are ideal in terms of cell division

2 are a bit slower, but still good

the other 10 are behind that, but still alive

the nurse said - as i knew - to expect a drop-off between now and sunday, especially considering the male factor, but that the odds are in our favour because we have so many of them

oh my gosh, i am so relieved, i could cry again (wiseguy, you'd better slap me!)

i don't get an update tomorrow - boo! but the nurse says it's because of the risk to the embies (i.e., taking them out of incubation to view them isn't in their best interest), so it's safer for them to remain undisturbed

anything that's best for them is fine by me

transfer is still scheduled for sunday morning - i can't believe that we might actually make it to blast

i love you, embies - my heart has been kind of reserved about this process (you understand, right, given the last time? and all the times before?) - but i cannot wait

update

Feel as though I'm tied to the phone. Every call now is life or death.

Waitingwaitingwaiting.

Any time now...

Doesn't the clinic know I can't do anything until I know how my embies are doing? Arghhhhh...

ETA: It's 11:30 a.m. - past the time the nurse usually calls - and nothing yet. Am getting really nervous.

ETA: It's 11:52 a.m., and DH just tried to phone. Gave me a heart attack. I didn't answer - I need the clinic's call!

ETA: 12:05 p.m. DH phoned again, wanting to know the report. He asked if I was ok. I said in a small voice, "I am so nervous."

ETA: 12:35 p.m. DH again. My heart cannot sustain this clinic-unrelated tweeting of the phone!