Not for the faint of heart or the easily offended

But hellaciously funny: whythef*"&doyouhaveakid.com.

6w3d

Six days until U-Day. In case anyone lost track.

This is torture. I just feel so normal. Today's symptoms: slightly sore bbs and remnant of acne outbreak on forehead. That is all. I'm not tired, I'm not nauseous, and my uterus feels fine.

All I want is a heartbeat. Some other sperminated women on IVF pg threads gush: "Oooh, I can't wait until my u/s - not that I'd be disappointed with just one, but I want twins!" Whaaat? I can't join those threads. There is too much baby dust everywhere, and I'd drag everyone down. I can't deal with what people talk about. I mean, I saw one poster who wrote: "I got so dizzy in the shower I had to haul ass and go lie down in bed. Is something wrong? P.S. I don't eat or drink until I get to work in the morning." What? Or women who are already discussing when they're going to have their baby showers! What? Or telling people with repeated losses to keep their chin up. I hate that.

Ah, to be that innocent again.

All I want is a healthy heartbeat, with everything in its proper place. This might be too much to ask.

I think that - in the future - when I do an FET, I will say to the doctor in advance that I'll require the beta at nine days past transfer, and a viability ultrasound at around the six week mark. No more of this unnecessary waiting.

chronic pain :(

OB appointment is scheduled for July, so guess that's not gonna happen, since we're moving June 30th. Ah well.

I have horrendous back pain today: one particular muscle is screaming at me. I can't move my head or my left arm. Can't lie down. Can't make dinner. Can't even fix my messy ponytail. :( The massage therapist yesterday did go easy on the affected areas, but I guess I shouldn't have fooled around with it at all. I'm really nervous about how I'm going to handle my pain if my 'p-word' progresses, since I can't work out (which usually helps me control it) or take painkillers. I've mentioned resuming physiotherapy - I guess that's not just an option anymore: it's gotta be done.

6w2d

After today, one week until the ultrasound.


I need some symptoms, man. I feel so depressingly normal. Here's what I've got for you from yesterday:
1) Sore-ish boobies.
2) Crampy abdomen.
3) Acne on my nose, of all places, and on my hairline. I haven't experienced that since I was, oh, 14 years old? (I also broke out on my decolletege 4 or 5 days ago, which has never happened to me. Ick.)


Someone mentioned to me the possibility of twins, which freaks me out. lol (No, really, it does - partly because of my bad back and partly because of the health risks to all parties - not that I wouldn't be delighted with two babies, of course.) Is it possible to have twins with relatively low beta numbers? I dunno. I guess if an embie split - which is entirely possible, especially since we did ICSI and AH, which increases the chance of that happening - they'd be sharing a placenta, right? Which would mean that the HCG wouldn't necessarily be higher? Ah, I don't know: I am definitely not well versed in science-y type things, and I don't feel like googling them. My hope is for a healthy babe; that's all I can ask for and more.

do i make you proud?

I'm starting to get that 'weird-mouth' feeling again, and my lower abdomen is crampy. And have felt two or 3 tingles in my bbs today. It's all very mild, so don't get excited, but I'm going to assume that these are good signs. Are you proud of me?

The massage was good, but it hurt! I hope it relaxes the tension in my muscles, though. I've got enough insurance coverage for one hour-long session/week until the end of June - hurray.

Other good news: our income tax refund is over $5,000. Yes! Double yes with knobs! That'll pay more than a third of our IVF cost! (DH thinks he's going to buy a new toy with this cheque; little does he know that he won't see a penny of it. Honestly, if you've got debt, shouldn't you pay that off, first? If it weren't for me, he'd be living chronically in the hole.) And my last scholarship cheque is almost ready, and that's another $4,000, so that will also pay off another large chunk. W00T! (I try not to think what we could've done with that cash without IVF bills .... siiiiigh. Sayonara to seeing U2 play in Dublin.) So my first 4 - 6 weeks' worth of salary in fall should be enough to pay off the rest of it. That's a good feeling.

6w1d

One of my most difficult students from my last teaching position e-mailed me last night to apologize for being a jerk, and he said that I inspired him, and that he has turned his life around in high school. (I never thought he was a jerk, incidentally, just a very troubled kid whom I actually liked a lot.) I was so touched. If that doesn't mellow me out somewhat, then what could?
____________________________

Symptom check:


-boobs still a touch sore, but not really
-no excessive fatigue in the last few days
-nothing...


Urgh...


I guess I could've asked for the beta yesterday, after all, just to ensure that the levels were not dropping. Oh well.


My midwife said that the sudden disappearance of symptoms is common. I'm clinging to that thought.


Got a few downloads from her, too, re: midwifery care. It all sounds great to me. Very woman-centred.


I'm going for a massage today, courtesy of my DH's awesome insurance company. My neck is still hurting, so I hope it helps somewhat. I'm thinking of starting up physiotherapy again, just so that my back doesn't go to $hit if this 'baby' thing actually works out, especially since I've had to stop my workout routine. I can't wait to move next month because it means I'll be within commuting distance of my old miracle-worker chiropractor. I've gone two years without chiropractic care; I'm amazed that I made it this long.


Ok, enough boring blather; see you later.

game of eights

The everlasting Wiseguy tagged me for this game. She sent it to me via President Obama, so I could not refuse. lol (Whereas if she had selected Prime Minister Stephen Harper, I would have barfed. haha)


To do list:
1. Mention the person who tagged me.
2. Complete the list of 8’s.
3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them.


Eight things I am looking forward to:

1. My first obstetrical ultrasound.

2. August peaches (Niagara or BC).

3. Finishing a Ph.D. and generally being an academic whore.

4. Discovering the meaning of life.

5. Summer.

6. Paying off IVF debt.

7. Our next trip out of the country.

8. Hugging my niece.



Eight things I did yesterday:

1. Got out of bed.

2. Obsessed about things out of my control.

3. Waited for FedEx to make a delivery.

4. Worked on my lit review.

5. Spent too much time on da internets.

6. Went for a walk with DH.

7. Avoided Jon and Kate +8: will never watch that show again.

8. Went to bed.



Eight things I wish I could do:

1. Stay pregnant with this baby for the appropriate 40 weeks.

2. Be a nomad.

3. Stop thinking when I want to fall asleep.

4. Sew better.

5. Own a pair of Christian Laboutin (sp?) shoes.

6. Dance.

7. Find out what I should do with my life.

8. Kick some zombie butt.



Eight shows I watch:

1. Desperate Housewives

2. House

3. M*A*S*H (reruns)

4. Titus (reruns on DVD)

5. The Colbert Report

6. The Rick Mercer Report

7. The Tudors

8. All in the Family (reruns)



Eight favorite fruits:

1. Cherries

2. Peaches

3. Raspberries

4. Strawberries

5. Pineapple

6. Oranges

7. Saskatoons

8. Mangoes



Eight places I’d like to travel:

1. Middle East

2. Morocco (actually the whole northern part of Africa)

3. Thailand

4. Greece

5. Ukraine

6. Turkey

7. Paraguay

8. Indonesia



Eight places I’ve lived:

Cannot divulge this info, but I've lived on a few different continents.



People I’ve tagged:

I'm not tagging anyone because I think most of the people on my blogroll won't be in the mood, but please feel free to copy and paste the game!

u/s, gp, ob, midwife, and anything else i can snag

So, change of plans. I broke down and e-mailed my nurse, pleading insanity and begging for the test to be moved up.

I also went to the walk-in clinic and got a referral for an OB-GYN. Not that I think I'll get in before I move, but I figured I'd try. The referring doctor - who is awesome, by the way - was the one who made the original referral to my RE, so she was beyond delighted with my news. She seemed bemused by my paranoia. But I did warn her, in a roundabout way, about my emotional status by wearing my Alcatraz "Mental Outpatient" sweatshirt. lol I didn't ask for a repeat beta because I've read that the doubling slows down, so I don't want to worry myself unnecessarily.

Then phoned my midwife, since I hadn't heard back from her. She hadn't received my message last week, so she expressed her delight to hear that the third beta had gone well ... even as I abruptly kept talking. Weird that everyone else is expressing happiness on my behalf; can't take it. I'm a freak.

DH didn't know that I'd begged for the date change on the u/s, so he picked up the phone message before I got home. When I walked through the door, he started dancing and chanting, "I know something you don't!!!" So, according to the voice on the machine, my u/s is now on June 5 rather than a week later. I'm satisfied with this. Well, considering that I'd rather be like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and buy my own ultrasound machine.

In the meantime, between the gp and getting home, I managed to get some high-quality effort into my thesis, which is basically the only thing that can relax me these days. I don't know what people who don't write (or paint or sing or garden or participate in other such artistic endeavours) do during stressful times.

just to clarify

Just to clarify: I wasn't asking for opinions on whether or not I personally have PTSD; that would be impossible for you to gauge because you don't know me in real life and what's going on in my head (and only medical professionals can diagnose these things, anyway). Just wanted to put the information out there.

6w

No w00ts today. :( No symptoms, nothing. Just sore-ish bbs. Das ist alles.

Apparently, if all is well, my baby's heart has started beating. That's what the books say, anyway. Crazy.

Gonna try the walk-in clinic again, and if I don't get what I want, I will likely throw myself at the mercy of my RE. This particular walk-in has been pretty good in the past, though, so I'm optimistic.

post-traumatic stress disorder

A few people I trust have mentioned to me - re: my blatherings of late - that I may be showing signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. They said that PTSD is pretty common among long-time infertile women, and that it can also pop up with a vengeance after a 'success.'

I knew about PTSD, but I thought that only had to do with war veterans, not TTC vets. So this is what I found on the INCIID web site:

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) -- A psychological disorder that develops in some individuals after a major traumatic experience such as war, rape, domestic violence, or accident. There are some articles written about PTSD as a complication of infertility or as a result of pregnancy loss. Some symptoms include avoidance, guilt, depression, flashbacks, nightmares, and excessive irritability.

Great. Something else to worry about. I'm not trying to self-diagnose, but those symptoms sound awfully familiar. Maybe that is why I acted so oddly after the initial BFP. And maybe that is why I can't get any work done on my thesis. Or sleep.

Anyway, I am most assuredly not posting this information as a pity grab. I'm sharing this because I know that many of us TTC'ers struggle with the number that IF pulls on our brains and hearts and bodies. The idea of a mental disorder as a result of endless IF and repeated losses does not shock me, and I don't think it will surprise any of you, either. We're all too familiar with IF-related traumas and the havoc they can wreak. I think it's best to be informed, so I thought I'd put this out there.

Hot Lips Houlihan

I decided that - instead of sitting here on the gestation station (aka: my living room couch), I should be proactive and go get an OB referral for the 5 weeks I have left in this city. I thought that maybe if I mentioned that to get to this point I've sold my house, quit my job, moved out of province, spent over $30,000, and wasted 7 years, a nice OB would take pity on me and schedule an ultrasound for next week. I planned to ask the referring gp for a repeat beta, as well.

What else could I do? I can't focus on my work, anyway.

So I dressed up in my most appropriate clothing: a conference bag (hint to doctors: she's an aspiring academic, so take her seriously) ... and my vintage M*A*S*H t-shirt (hey, at least I'm still clinging to my sense of humour).

Took the (chronically broken) elevator down to the main floor; the guy fixing it reeked of booze. How comforting.

I toddled to the nearest walk-in, which according to the web site was open until 7 p.m. tonight.

Closed 10 minutes before I arrived. Of course.

So I went to a small organic store, bought myself strawberries and locally made yogurt (which actually cost less than buying conventional products at a chain store), and went home. Now I'm watching NASCAR and prepping dinner. The walk did make me feel a drop better.

5w00t6d

Nervous and morose. Not as bad as stims or the 2ww or POAS hell or beta hell. But I'm getting there again. *Grimace* I woke up with all my symptoms gone. I'm very worried, of course, that the embryo has stopped developing, and that I'll find out about it only at the 8w ultrasound.

I want an u/s now, or at least another beta.

Not much for symptoms yesterday (no tingles or anything going on in my uterus), either. Even the bbs weren't really sore. So I'm hoping, of course, for the onset of more symptoms that can't be related to Prometrium or Estrace. Like morning sickness. Only TTC vets get excited, of course, about the prospect of barfing. I was reading up on when m/s might start, and it could be as soon as 6w, which is tomorrow.

I have felt the slightest, barest nausea from time to time, but really, if this were a 'natural' and unplanned pregnancy, I don't think I would have noticed it. Besides, nausea is a s/e of the supps. Errrrrr. My stomach was unhappy for a few seconds yesterday before I ate breakfast. But that could also be anything.

In the meantime, I'll have to assume that my fatigue every morning is a bonafide symptom. Right? I had to lie down again at 11 yesterday morning - I felt as though I was being hit by a tidal wave of exhaustion. I'm fine with that - if it's a pregnancy symptom, I'll take it.

I think I will sign up with a local midwife, even though I'm moving this summer and it really doesn't pay. Maybe she will allay my fears. Would she give me an ultrasound?

I really feel sorry for all of my IF- and baby-related medical practitioners. I think, if everything keeps progressing, I'm going to be a labour-intensive (no pun intended) patient. But honestly, who can blame me? This is all too good to be true. Surely something will go awry.

5w00t5d

Today I am all aloney on my owney. DH is golfing, so I'm going to lounge at a coffeeshop (oh sweet torture - I must order uncaffeinated) and perhaps finally resume thesis work. I am almost finished my rough draft, incidentally, and it is 120 pages long, minus endnotes and references.

Anyway.

I would like to know why my u/s is scheduled for 8 weeks. Don't they want to know ASAP that everything is in the right place? I don't know. Apparently I'm not a medical genius; that's why they pay me the big bucks to be a lowly schoolteacher.

_____________________________________


Symptoms:

-sore/heavy bbs, especially when gravity meets them in the morning - I'm already going to need a new bra next week, and wear a sports bra to bed - and last night they were spectacularly full of electrical shocks

-twinges in my abdomen a few times/day; ovaries are sore and twitchy (poor things)

-watery cm has stopped - now it's thick and scant

-escalated sex drive

-easily exhausted - yesterday, as soon as I'd gotten up, dressed, and eaten, I went back to sleep for 90 minutes

-my facial skin isn't as dry as it usually is - I have a 'glow,' literally, which means that my makeup is sliding off by the afternoon

-still hot from time to time

-not moody

-eating a bit more than usual

5w00t4days

Thanks to Ifoptimist for the new and improved title. ;)

TMI: DH and I did it. Had sex last night for the first time since I started stims. (I never have to say bd'ing again because bd'ing will never ever lead to 'baby.') Amazing. A totally different feeling.

I would never talk to family and friends about this topic, so it's funny that I'm discussing it on my blog. As Clare says most lucidly, we say things in the blogosphere that we'd never say to anyone in real life. Somehow, this anonymity is safer.

u/s

Just found out that my first ultrasound is scheduled for June 12, and then I'll see my doctor immediately afterward. I have to wait three weeks! Boohiss! lol

5w3d

Nothing new to report (not even symptoms - I feel fine). Just wanted to write 5w3d. That's all.

Well, I did call the midwife yesterday with the news, so I'm waiting to hear back from her. I hope she's good. She sounds nice on the phone.

Asked DH before bedtime how he was doing:

DH: Good! Golf is fun!

Me: Well, that's good. But I mean emotionally.

DH: Oh. I don't know.

Me: No?

DH: I'm not getting excited until I'm actually holding a baby.

Me: Oh yeah, I hear ya.

the lowdown

So here's what happened. It's not that exciting, but I'll always remember it.

I got the phone call before noon, which was a lot earlier than I expected. DH was going to phone me during his last coffee break - if it was bad news, he was coming home after work, and if not, he wanted to go golfing - but I couldn't wait that long. So I called him on site.

DH: Hello?

Me: Hey. It's good news.

DH: What?

Me: 824.

DH: Oh. So I can go golfing?

Me: Yes.

DH: Ok, I took scallops out of the freezer, and I'll broil them for dinner when I get home. We can have them with the leftover potato salad. [Note: He always changes the subject if he's not sure how to react or how to process new information, so I wasn't offended.]

Me: Yeah, ok. And the Greek salad, too.

DH: [Quiet for a bit.] 824. That's good, right?

Me: Yeah. [Starts crying, just in case the world hasn't already drowned in her tears. lol]

DH: [Alarmed.] I thought you said it was good!

Me: [Sobs.] It is! It's really good!

DH: [Relieved.] Well, ok. I don't know with you anymore! I'll see you after golf. Love you.

Me: Yeah, love you, too.

DH: Bye.

Me: [Still sniffling.] Bye.

LOL.

So then I went to get lunch. And then I came home and went to sleep.

The End.

824!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5w2d

Just sitting here, waiting.

All my symptoms disappeared yesterday and today, except for the inevitable sore bbs. I keep hearing that that is normal for 'normal' pregnancies, though, so I guess I shouldn't get too frantic yet. (Yeah, right.)

Was a rough night with DH. He wanted to skip work today to come with me, but I figured there was no point. We'll find out when we find out. Besides, he's already missed so much work for this IVF.

Thanks for the lovely comments on my last post. (Sorry I haven't answered questions or anything like that lately - I'm too stressed - I hope to get to them soon.)

xxx