spelunking in the pelvic nether regions...

Went to the ill-timed doctor appointments today (i.e., they had to happen the day after I felt like giving up...).

Dh did another semen analysis. First time he's had to perform at the clinic, though; the last 2 times he did it at home and had me bring in the samples.

Anyway, the morphology concerned the doctor (it was something like 2% rather than 4%), although the motility and numbers were above average, so she is asking him to do it again. Surprise, surprise, dh didn't bellyache about any of this like he did the last time. Apparently it helped to have porn on the TV in the 'deposit' room. I know we're supposed to be Christian and all, but I had no 'issue' (ha ha, no pun intended) with it. And no apologies about it, either. Sometimes there are exceptions to the rules, but I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.

Now dh told me that the problem lies with him and not with me. He was matter-of-fact about it. I don't agree with him, really, but whatever. I hope his pride isn't injured. I know that's a big thing for guys.

After this, we ran around the city until the first of my 2 appointments at the clinic. I was very sensitive to start with, and dh made the innocent mistake of going into a kids' toy store (he loves Hot Wheels), and I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying all morning.

I pulled myself together for the afternoon's round of pelvic invasion.

My pelvic exam gave me a shock. It started off well, as soon as I commenced talking. lol I'm much more relaxed if the tech/doc and I have a conversation as the dildo is spelunking in my nether regions. Ha ha. I gave her the history of vibrators in Victorian England (doctors used to use them on their female patients in order to relieve 'hysteria' and 'nervousness'). Okay, I've studied far too much nineteenth century British history, I know!

Here is the shocker, though: The tech says that there is no evidence that my right ovary is anovulatory, as my previous doctor said (and which I believed to be true, given that I'd never felt mittelschmerz from it). To boot, she says that my ovaries do not appear polycystic at all. I didn't see the screen because I want to throw up when I see my ovaries, but dh (who was watching the whole exam) concurred with her statements. She questioned, in fact, how I got the PCOS diagnosis in the first place, since my bloodwork is also normal.

HUH?

Dang it, I should have asked the RE herself. I'll have to do that next time. I need some time to process that information, first.

Anyway, so then we met with the RE. She gave us the results from a bunch of tests (including the semen analysis). So I do not test positive for syphilis: what a relief! LOL

The most important thing: after I finally have my CD 3 bloodwork done (likely on Sunday or Monday), get my fasting glucose results, and finish our consultation (on March 19) with the genetic counselor, we will meet in order to plan the first medicated cycle. And that will be....May 1. I kid you not - she's booked that far ahead. So dh got us onto a cancellation list, and there weren't too many patients ahead of us, so I think there's a good chance that we'll get in in early April. I hope.

Ugh, too much information all at once. My mind is.shutting.off.

Thinking about giving up

Before I went to bed last night, I looked up IUDs on-line. I wished I could get one.
Today I was in a daze, and everywhere were babies. Facebook, phone conversations, celebrity culture ... everything is about babies.
When my husband picked me up from school, I said, "I had a rough night."
He asked, "Why?"
"I think I'm pretty much done with the baby thing. I can't do this anymore," I replied.
He was quiet for a second, and said that he supported me no matter what. I appreciate that about him (so much), but I wish I knew if he were really okay with it.

__________

On the SoulCysters web site, I asked the administrator about the possibility of a childfree forum, given that none exists, and it is a legitimate choice about one's family situation. I'd like to be able to talk about this with other women who've already made the decision. But I got a really cutting response from her ("NO"), since she assumed that I wanted to start a forum where no one would be allowed to talk about children. Good grief. You'd think she'd be more understanding.

__________

I thought all day about what I'd be able to do if I had no children. I would've rearranged my twenties, that's for sure. I wouldn't have gone into teaching, most likely. Probably wouldn't have bought a house. I would have traveled more. I would be in a job that meant more to me.

Of course, I can't change the past, so I tried to imagine my future. Way more travel. I could go to Israel, Vietnam, Brazil. I could backpack in Africa. I could teach English in Thailand. I could do my Ph.D. I could have great cars, a nice house, and couture clothing. Those things would all be great; I'm not saying that they don't mean something to me. But somehow I just can't imagine that yet.

In the meantime, I'll make another trek to the doctor tomorrow.

??

I really want to know where God is. I've pretty much given up on God, and I don't want to hear any reassurances that God hasn't given up on me.
I have been faithful and patient. I've even thanked God for this tribulation, as it has strengthened me as a person.
But now I've had enough of it. I am seeing my nephews and nieces having children, and within the next year I expect my two younger brothers to announce impending arrivals. I can't deal with it anymore.

Feel like giving up, for real.

Well, it's 13 dpo, and I started spotting yesterday afternoon. So, if you recall my scientific proposal to test the 'just relax and go on vacation and get knocked up' hypothesis, I was right, and fertile people are wrong. While I should feel comforted to be proven correct, I'm kinda down about it.

For the first time, I feel like giving up on TTC. It's been so long (almost 6 years) of unsuccessful trying, and it's taken almost two years just to get proper medical assistance.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of all the waiting. Waiting to bleed, waiting to ovulate, then waiting for a positive test that never arrives. I'm tired of all the fads, like cinnamon and fish oil. I'm tired of timed sex. I'm tired of on-line information-hunting all the time. I'm tired of envying other people for their children. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I think I need a very, very long TTC break - with contraception so that I stop thinking about 'what if' - but if I decided to return to the baby roulette game, I'd probably have to wait yet another a year for medical help.

I'm so tired of it all, and I just want to lay it down.

Back from a baby-making vacay.

Back from seductive Cuba. (Viva Cuba! Cuba Si!)
We were away for 2 weeks. I had a wonderful time, and was able to forget, for the most part, about TTC.
I did o, though, at the end of the first week. Strangely, I had o pain for 4 straight days. I was wondering if I was getting a cyst or something.
So now I'm 10 dpo, and waiting.
Our appointment with the specialist is on Thursday, though, so we'll get the last of our testing done. I'm hoping and praying that we can start a medicated cycle next month. I'm not holding my breath for a + in 4 days, although I SHOULD get one, considering I took the standard 'fertile-friend' advice to go on vacation and just relax!

My poor, lovely little man

I can't believe I ever thought that dh didn't want children.

Two days ago, I was looking through the Christmas pictures I took with his family. At least 35% of them involve him with his small nieces and nephews (especially the nephews!). In one particular picture, he is sitting on a loveseat, face to face with his 3-year-old great-nephew, who is reclining on his lap. I took a closer look at my dh's face, and he is intent on whatever he was saying to the little boy at the time. I didn't realize that that intensity is the same as love.

I felt naive for ever questioning dh's desire to expand our family. Of course he wants children; I can see that in his eyes in that particular picture. He just doesn't say so because he knows what the additional stress would do to me. So he pretends the opposite.

Aw, what a dear man. And LOL - I feel so dumb for not realizing all this earlier!

finding soulmates in unexpected places

A textbook example of irony: I, a 'barren' woman, am taking an Education course on maternal theory.

Via e-mail, I asked my professor of the course (she's also my thesis advisor) about my topic for my seminar: the irony of being infertile while being paid to care for other people's children. I was too shy to talk about it in class, since I didn't want to deal with undesired 'advice' and pitying looks. However, I adore this professor, and her opinion matters to me.

So I shared with her a bit of what I'm enduring, and I attached the transgressive essay I wrote about it last semester, which was a bang-up piece of writing, if I do say so myself.

She replied by praising my writing, and then asked if I wanted to hear another story about it. (I thought to myself, "No, not really....") She said she's been through the same thing.

I bawled all over my office at the university. Tears everywhere. Dh says she must be my soulmate. :)

A scientific study about TTC and going on vacation

Ok, I'm designing a research study.

Please feel free to check my findings for reliability, validity, etc., etc. Sorry, I don't have the technical lingo down pat. I'm only on page 77 of my research methods textbook. lol

Principal investigator: Yours truly

Research problem: Fertile people tell infertile women to go on vacation, and poof, they'll be pg.

Hypothesis: That the above statement is a piece of garbage.

Method: Yours truly will go on a 2-week vacation next week to an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the Caribbean. She will rest and relax on the beach. During this 2-week span, she will ovulate. She and her dh will bd at appropriate times (i.e., before and during ovulation). After 14 days, she will use an HPT to attempt to detect pg.

Expected findings: After the 2ww, she will find that she is once again not pg.

Implications: The results will revoke the validity of the "go on vacation!" hypothesis that is so often forwarded by highly fertile people.

Explanation

Sorry, didn't explain my last post properly.

My father-in-law passed away last week. It's such a hard time for my poor dh.

I think the father thing is really getting to him now; as a cyster mentioned on SoulCysters, he probably wants the kind of relationship with his children that he had with his own father, who was a wonderful man. Aw, my poor dh.

TTC update

TTC update: My genetic counsellor just called to confirm that that the recessive gene for that 'Mennonite disease' I told you all about last month does not run in my dh's family. I kinda knew this, but this was official confirmation, which is good news. She can't find my dad's medical info at Health Sciences in Winnipeg, but I don't think that that matters now.

So I don't have to go in for genetic testing if I don't want to; hopefully this means that we can speed up the process so that I can have my first injectable/IUI cycle in 4 weeks. Now I'm just waiting for Feb 28: that's when I will have my pelvic exam and other testing, dh will have his s/a, and then hopefully we'll make the plan for my inj/IUI cycle. (In the meantime, I have to get the CD3 bloodwork done, as well as the GTT.) I wonder if I will be able to start a medicated cycle in March?

In the meantime, 2 weeks away in February should get me mentally prepared for all this, I hope!

So weird about my dh...he has never said to me how he feels about the whole TTC schmozzle. In all the 5-6 years of trying to get pg, he has never expressed his opinion on the matter. The day after his dad's funeral last Saturday, we were driving his mom somewhere, and we were talking about our great-nephew (he's 3 and so amazing and adorable) and how his parents (our niece and her husband) don't really appreciate him. We were talking, too, about how another nephew (also 3 and wonderful) clung to me all week; he wouldn't even go play with his cousins. Dh suddenly burst out: It's not fair, Mom. And then the 3 of us were quiet for a bit.

Also on the weekend, dh had his cousin's fussy baby asleep in his arms, and he was all concerned that the baby wasn't overheated and that his neck was being held at a proper angle. I am praying desperately that I can give him his own child to fuss over. He'll be a kick-ass dad.

Letter to my ovaries

On SC today, a few of us wrote letters to our ovaries. We are using reverse psychology on them in order to make them spit out a few measly eggs.

Here is mine:

To my dear, cherished ovaries:

After a great deal of self-reflection, I have decided that having a baby is not for me. That's the honest truth. So keep your eggs for whatever sinister purpose you have had for them all these years. Fry them up with bacon, if that's what you want. TTC is over and done. No more bd'ing - it's just SEX from now on.

Sincerely,

XX

P.S. I took Provera for 10 days this cycle, so you don't even stand a chance!


However, I was soundly outdone by one of my buddies, who left us all howling!:


Dear Ovaries:

We regret to inform you that your role as organs relating to the conception of a child is hereby terminated. It is our understanding that you have been censured regarding this matter three times without effect; see attached transcripts of "Crying jag" - December 15, 2007, "Angry Tirade" - December 16, 2007, "Hopeless Yowling Session" - December 17, 2007.

As you have failed to modify your performance after three formal warnings we are terminating our relationship with you.

Please be advised, that effective immediately you are no longer authorized to monopolize our thinking and, life decisions, &/or budgeting concerning any matters pertaining to conception.

Yours truly,

XX

So I can still blame all this crap on bad genes, right?

Dh's stillborn niece did not have 'The Mennonite Disease,' although the doctors were convinced that that was the problem. I was so relieved to hear that. Strange, the macabre things that make TTC'ers relieved.

So we have to wait for my dad's results from the genetic testing that was done when my cousin, who did have 'The Mennonite Disease,' was stillborn. He doesn't know if he's a carrier because he never got the results. I'm less worried now, though, since dh is in the clear, so that lessens our chances. I was becoming paranoid that dh and I were the unlucky receipients of the crappy genetics jackpot.

This 'Menno Disaster' is actually called Hypophosphatasia; it has many forms, but it seems to involve uncalcified bones. Babies in utero who have it are always stillborn. 1 out of 25 Manitoba Mennonites has the recessive gene, and 1 out of 2,500 births involves a baby with this dreadful syndrome.

Interestingly, as I was perusing scientific research about this, I happened across a medical study out of The University of Manitoba which examined the unusually high prevalence of diabetes and other such metabolic disorders in the Manitoba Mennonites. PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is so near and dear to my own heart) wasn't named, but that would definitely be included in this framework. So I can still blame all this crap on bad genes, rights?

As for other headlines from the frontline, I just finished my last Provera pill, so I'm expecting af on Tuesday. That means that I can do my CD3 baselines on Thursday. That's the first time for this procedure. My last RE was not nearly this careful. Suffice it to say that he was not the most thorough doctor in the history of reproductive endocrinology.

I wish I had all these 'misconceptions' - I wrote this for the SoulCysters TTC board

I wish I had all these 'misconceptions'

I wish...

...I thought that I ovulate twice per cycle.

...I thought something was wrong with me during the 4 days in a cycle when my cervical mucous becomes copious

....I believed that ovulation pain is just a pulled muscle

....I truly believed that dh could "just look at me" and I'd get pregnant.

...I thought that cough syrup was just that: for coughs.

...I could cringe at the sight of a needle.

...I could complain about morning sickness.

...I could feel sad that my favourite Gaultier doesn't fit over my belly.

...I could get impatient with my children for being so demanding.

...I knew what it was like to think "Just relax and it'll happen" to a crying friend.

...I could take life for granted.

Now that I look back at this list, which began as sarcasm and ends as something else, I know that this journey has been the best thing for me. As hard as it is to admit this, a fruitless attempt to conceive has made me a stronger and more sensitive person.

I still wish I didn't know so much about being involuntarily childless, but I'd never give it all back.

Finally, finally, finally, with kudos to the amazing (not) Canadian medical health system...

I got my first RE appointment last Friday! I waited for six months for this.

I spent most of the afternoon there. I was on CD39, with no o in sight.

Of course, af arrived in the middle of today's pap smear. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, they said that I won't be able to start a medicated cycle for at least two months. I just about started bawling in the office when I heard that. But they're doing much more comprehensive testing than my last RE did, including genetic testing for cystic fibrosis and for a deadly syndrome that is prevalent among the Manitoba Mennonite population (since both sides of our family carry the genes). They're also running much more extensive bloodwork than I've ever had. And they are going to do the 2 hour GTT, which amazed me because all of my doctors in Manitoba refused to order that test for me.So I figure that if the reason for the delay is that they're being extra-careful, then that's a good thing and I can be patient for a little while longer.

Their preliminary thoughts are that there's a subtle disruption in hormones and other such bodily chemicals that is affecting my fertility, and that my previous doctor missed it. But they were very impressed with how I've been managing the PCOS so far, though, which made me feel good! It's been hard work, but it is worth it!

I've been switched from Metformin to Glumetza. Met doesn't seem to do anything for me, and I've been on it for 18 months, so they want to see if the Glumetza is more effective. And they prescribed a prenatal vitamin with a higher dose of folic acid. Apparently in Canada the recommendation for daily folic acid for pg and ttc women has gone from 1 mg to 5 mg!

Next step is injectables and IUI. So we're looking at February, possibly, for that.

I did like the new RE (and her assistant, who is also a resident infertility specialist, actually). They seemed so thorough, they encouraged my questions, and they liked it that I was researching so many infertility issues on my own.

I felt bad for dh being in the room during the RE appointment. I mean, it was unavoidable, but still. He was there for the pap smear and the 30,000 questions. Looked like he was almost in tears. He whispered to me when the doc left for a moment, "I can't believe you have to go through all this. I'm sorry." And when we both had our bloodwork done, he turned white as he watched the nurse take 8 vials of blood. He'd never, ever had blood drawn before! Isn't that crazy!? So the nurse got 4 vials off of him, that little whiny weenie! I love him! LOL

I'm baaaaaack!!

With hugs and kisses! Mwah!

I just got a message from someone who asked if I was coming back. Yay, I felt wanted! lol Thanks for that. I get lazy about posting on here because I can never remember my password!

If you want to know what I was up to in the meantime, check out the SoulCysters web site, where I write about my baby-making dilemmas with no shortage of detail. SC is a web site for women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is a metabolic disorder. My username is one-hit_wonder. Most often, I frequent the Turtlepokers thread on the Trying to Conceive board. We are a bunch of zany dames.

floaty

For whatever reason, I was standing in the bathroom just now, about to turn the light off, and I realized how precious and amazing life is. I'm so happy to be alive, I'm so happy with my partner, and I hope that I get to share all of the joy of life with my own children one day.

news

On a somewhat positive note, I got my first communication from my new infertility clinic. Had to fill out yet another clinical form about premature ejaculation (his, not mine! ha ha!), hirsutism, how often I have sex, and other things that I don't want to tell strangers about. Faxed that in 3 days ago, so now I'm waiting for the phone call to get the first appointment. I am hoping so bad that I can get an appointment before Christmas.

Oh, and if you're keeping track of how many family pregnancies I find out about through Facebook, you can add one more: another cousin posted the news about her brother's expected baby.

So, in the spirit of Facebook, I'd like to post the following info on my personal feed:

"____ is not expecting quadruplets, or even triplets, anytime soon. Just in case anyone wants to know. And please don't tell me and dh that we have to actually have sex to get knocked up: we do the deed way more often than you do, you pathetic once-a-weekers! So there! Nah nah nah nah!"

another cycle

I did ovulate, apparently, and went through an extra-long luteal phase. Finally got af on cd16. That's extraordinarily late for me, so I said to dh that maybe I had a chemical pregnancy, but who knows? I don't.

I saw the following devotional on the SoulCysters web site, and thought I should share it. I'm struggling so bad right now to keep my faith in God - I feel on the verge of giving up, and I have no one to talk to about it - so I took some comfort in these words:

DISCERNMENT OF FAITH

Faith as a grain of mustard seed...Matthew 17:20
http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=mt+17:20&sr=1

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, it may be so in the initial stages; but we do not earn anything by faith, faithbrings us into right relationship with God and gives God Hisopportunity. God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, nota life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings. Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience that had as much of sense as of faith in it, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order toteach you to walk by faith. You are worth far more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.

Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. Never confound the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result ofbeing alive. Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible.

Don't know what to make of this...

I think I o'd on Sunday. Huh?

It's weird, because I didn't really feel the o, and I always do. I was crampy, and I felt both ovaries kicking around just a tiny bit, but that's it (I never, ever feel the right ovary because it's anovulatory). Plus I only had the one day of ewcm, and I always have 5 days.

But now I have post-o symptoms, such as creamy cm, low cervix, zits, and sore nips.

I wonder if I did actually o or if this was an anovulatory cycle, period (ha! no pun intended!). I don't temp anymore, so I don't know for sure. Grrrr. Maybe I could just take my temp for the next few days just to see if it's high?

The good thing is that I still have a script for Provera, so I have at least SOME control over this. If I get sick of waiting, down the hatch those pills will go.

in case you're wondering...

i'm allowed to make fun of mennonites because i am one. :)