Seminar!!

Did the seminar! It was a critical and historical look at infertility in the western world, and it lasted for 90 minutes instead of 30. Yay - everyone loved it! They were all so respectful, but they weren't afraid to ask questions and make comments, which was great! I got to preach about PCOS, and about knowing your body and its fertility, etc. And my professor came over to hug me multiple times before I left to go home (she's gone through infertility treatments, too). I love her.

And...dh felt bad for me that I put myself 'out there' so much for this project, so he went and got me The Colbert Report on DVD! What a great day! YESSSSSSSSSSSS....

Now I have to turn it into my final paper, which should be an interesting process. A 'birth,' as it were.

(And now Dh is convinced that I need to do my Ph.D. He is threatening to go to 'firefighter school' if I don't apply! Eek!)

Genetic counsellor (um, 'pregnant' with expectations?)

Genetic counsellor today was a frickin' waste of time, as dh and I expected. Also surreal, since both the counsellor and the doctor were at least 6 months pg. Of course. *Rolls eyes*

Anyway, as we were aware, there is a small (very small) risk of that 'Mennonite disease': hypophosphatasia. Or something to that effect. (Sounds like a really bad Disney movie! lol) But to me, it wasn't enough of a risk to warrant the testing until/if we need IVF, in which case I'd want the results in order to do a preimplantation genetic diagnosis.

We were also informed about the cause of death for our stillborn niece, and although it was a genetic problem, it wasn't something for us to worry about, as it was the result of a spontaneous mutation (did I say that correctly? I don't know). Anyway, just not something to be concerned about in terms of dh being a possible carrier. Rock on.

The counsellor also told me about other in utero screening (e.g., for Down's, spina bifida, etc.), but we're not into abortion or selective reduction or whatever you want to call it, so that didn't really apply to us.

So that's that. Good to get it over with.

Waitin' on the Easter eggie...

I don't think I did o, so who knows about the mittelschmerz that I got 4 days ago? Whatever. Hope it's not a cyst.

Anyway, I have loads of ewcm, and my lower abdomen is a bit crampy. So I pounced on dh tonight.

I'm not expecting to get pg anymore, but it's nice to feel 'normal.' I feel all powerful and sexy and creative when I'm ovulating.

Just thought of this: If I ever deliver a baby, will I ever let that child read this blog? I don't know how much I'm prepared to share about this infertility journey with any of my family members and friends at any point.

Another addition to the monstrous family.

Who announces on Facebook that her water just broke? (Is that weird?)

One of my nieces, that's who, as well as her husband. 2 minutes ago.

Now I'll worry about her all night, since she's having the baby at home. lol (Nothing wrong with that - that's what I'd like to do myself - it's just that I'll worry about her and the baby!)

I guess I'll have yet another great-niece or -nephew by tomorrow.

In the meantime...

In the meantime, I'm making further adjustments to my diet. I eat really well, anyway, but I figure it can't hurt to make it even better.

I'm adding one more veggie serving per day (so that's 5 veg and 4 fruits daily - and the way I measure my servings, that's probably equivalent to more like 7 veg and 6 fruits according to the Canada Food Guide).

I'm also cutting down on dairy, and adding more fish and beans.

And I'm going to try to cut caffeine. Hah, good luck on that one! I luuuuurve my coffee, especially my morning cappuccino. Um, maybe I'll start kicking that habit...next week. Yeah, next week. lol

easter egging so early? lol

I had pronounced ovulation pain and loads of ewcm yesterday ... which was CD12. What the heck? I've never gotten that this early in a cycle. So I jumped dh.

I still have ewcm today.

No cycle of mine is ever predictable. At least it's predictable that it'll be unpredictable! lol

I hold out no hope for a miracle BFP (which would by now be as miraculous as the Immaculate Conception, believe me), but it seems that I can't stop trying. I mean, by now, my statistical odds to actually conceive are at around 2% per cycle (medically unassisted). Very, very low, considering that your average couple's chance is over 20%. But I keep hoping that I'll be one of the 2%, even though I know already that that won't happen.

Ah, well. Like a turtle, I shall continue to inch my way on the conveyor belt of TTC until I get to my first medicated cycle in May or June. And then, if it does take, I will think, "Aaaaahhhhh! What did I just get myself into?!" LOL

my new great-nephew

I saw pictures today on Facebook of my new great-nephew. He's perfect. I could see that he already has the characteristic broad nose and full lips (top lip puffs out a bit over the lower one) that run in my husband's family.

It makes me sigh. I know our children would resemble him. If I could choose how my child will look, he/she would have either my dh's or my eyes (I think we both have beautiful eyes), my dad's aquiline nose, my dh's lips and eyelashes, and my cheekbones and jawline (which resemble those of my mother and her mother).

I look at the other nieces and nephews, as well, and they all give me ideas of what our children would look like. When dh and I are caring for his 8-year-old niece and 3-year-old nephew, in particular, people on the street often think that we're their parents because they look exactly like us. We have a picture of the 4 of us, and even their mother (my sister-in-law) and my mother-in-law commented that we looked like a family together.

And we are, in a way. They are the children of my heart, and they know that. You don't have to have children in order to be a mother.

The things that are lost when one is unable to conceive...

Well, another niece just had a baby boy this morning. I hope I get a turn at some point.

Jeepers, I'm a great-aunt 4 times over, and I'm not even a mother yet.

I will have to send a gift by mail (thank God, we live too far away to be immersed in the celebrations), if I can stand to go shopping for a baby present.

I have gone to only a few baby showers in my life. Since I've been TTC since I was 24 (and I'm nearly 30 now), all of these women in my life have been procreating on and on, while I've been at the sidelines. I avoid them like the plague - I just don't go, and I make up some lame excuse. I don't send a gift, either, because I can't bear to be constantly in the baby section of Wal-Mart: we have huge families, so babies are always coming and coming. (I've dropped all of my female friends, basically, because the baby thing was too much for me, too.) I don't tell anyone why, or make any apologies, because I have to protect myself.

I'm regretful and embarrassed, though, when I think about the possibility of my own baby shower in the future. There won't be one. I have pretty much no friends left, and almost no extended family (that's a long story, but my mom's family is too huge for anyone to really know each other anymore, and my dad's family is poisonous). So who would come to a shower for me, especially since I didn't go to any for them?

I'll make a list: my mom, my mother-in-law, my brother's wife, at least three of my four sister-in-laws, my one married female friend who has no kids, and her mom. And maybe one of dh's (single and childless) female friends. None of my cousins, and certainly none of my former friends. After all, I didn't go to their showers or send gifts or even have the courtesy to RSVP.

Very sad, I tell you. Especially since I used to have a lot of good female friends. It would be humiliating, actually, to have such a sparsely populated room for a baby shower. I'd be grateful for all the attendees, of course, but I miss my gal pals.

I don't want a shower, anyway. If/when I get knocked up, I will be too paranoid about losing the pregnancy to want any material baby items hanging around, just in case. I'm not superstitious, but in that case, I would feel that the baby things would be a harbinger of bad luck.

But I'll still feel self-conscious about my lack of female friendship.

The things that are lost when one is unable to conceive...

feeling swallowed

Someone on the SoulCysters web site asked the following question: So I've heard your life totally changes when you have a child (duh!), but how about also while TTC w/ PCOS? All I know is that ever since my ob/gyn got my bloodwork results and referred me to an RE, even just awaiting this appt..... my life is completely consumed. Does it ever settle down?

This was my answer: It has never settled down for me; I feel swallowed by it. My life has totally changed since I discovered I was infertile, and I will never be the same again. I do my best to ward off 'being consumed' by going on with the activities I enjoy (e.g., writing, working on my master's degree, watching Sex and the City, working out, being a research assistant, hanging out with my pals), but TTC is always on the backburner. Even after I finally have children (if I ever do), the pain will never go away. That's the truth for me. I hope you find your own ways around the TTC mess, and that you're blessed with healthy children sooner rather than later. (HUG)

Something's gotta give!

I'm starting to get excited about my treatments this spring.

Especially since the tech commented on my 'normal-looking' ovaries. Woot, woot! I forgot to mention that I'm developing follicles that are evenly scattered over the ovaries, and not in a string, a la PCOS. And that they're not enlarged, as is often the case in polycystic ovaries (the tech said, in fact, that she was having a hard time finding them!). I don't know if this is just due to cyclical timing or whatever (maybe they'll look PCOS-ish later in my cycle), but I'm so pumped about it, anyway! It's motivation to keep eating well and exercising!

I'm excited, actually, that dh has low morphology, since then we KNOW that something's not perfect, and we can do something about it! I'm sooooo hoping that these are all good signs!!!

My previous specialist did also comment that my lining was never thick enough (it was always around 4 mm). Why did he never do anything about it, I wonder?

So with injectables, IUI, and something to support the endometrial lining, something HAS to happen, right?

?

Ok, now I'm confused. Perhaps I'm overthinking all of this, but after doing some research on morphology...

My last specialist said he didn't know why I couldn't get pregnant. Is it possible to blame it on dh's newly-discovered low morphology? Is 2% low enough that that alone could have prevented a pregnancy?

And if so, I should be able to get pregnant via IUI then, right?

spelunking in the pelvic nether regions...

Went to the ill-timed doctor appointments today (i.e., they had to happen the day after I felt like giving up...).

Dh did another semen analysis. First time he's had to perform at the clinic, though; the last 2 times he did it at home and had me bring in the samples.

Anyway, the morphology concerned the doctor (it was something like 2% rather than 4%), although the motility and numbers were above average, so she is asking him to do it again. Surprise, surprise, dh didn't bellyache about any of this like he did the last time. Apparently it helped to have porn on the TV in the 'deposit' room. I know we're supposed to be Christian and all, but I had no 'issue' (ha ha, no pun intended) with it. And no apologies about it, either. Sometimes there are exceptions to the rules, but I understand that not everyone will agree with me on this.

Now dh told me that the problem lies with him and not with me. He was matter-of-fact about it. I don't agree with him, really, but whatever. I hope his pride isn't injured. I know that's a big thing for guys.

After this, we ran around the city until the first of my 2 appointments at the clinic. I was very sensitive to start with, and dh made the innocent mistake of going into a kids' toy store (he loves Hot Wheels), and I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying all morning.

I pulled myself together for the afternoon's round of pelvic invasion.

My pelvic exam gave me a shock. It started off well, as soon as I commenced talking. lol I'm much more relaxed if the tech/doc and I have a conversation as the dildo is spelunking in my nether regions. Ha ha. I gave her the history of vibrators in Victorian England (doctors used to use them on their female patients in order to relieve 'hysteria' and 'nervousness'). Okay, I've studied far too much nineteenth century British history, I know!

Here is the shocker, though: The tech says that there is no evidence that my right ovary is anovulatory, as my previous doctor said (and which I believed to be true, given that I'd never felt mittelschmerz from it). To boot, she says that my ovaries do not appear polycystic at all. I didn't see the screen because I want to throw up when I see my ovaries, but dh (who was watching the whole exam) concurred with her statements. She questioned, in fact, how I got the PCOS diagnosis in the first place, since my bloodwork is also normal.

HUH?

Dang it, I should have asked the RE herself. I'll have to do that next time. I need some time to process that information, first.

Anyway, so then we met with the RE. She gave us the results from a bunch of tests (including the semen analysis). So I do not test positive for syphilis: what a relief! LOL

The most important thing: after I finally have my CD 3 bloodwork done (likely on Sunday or Monday), get my fasting glucose results, and finish our consultation (on March 19) with the genetic counselor, we will meet in order to plan the first medicated cycle. And that will be....May 1. I kid you not - she's booked that far ahead. So dh got us onto a cancellation list, and there weren't too many patients ahead of us, so I think there's a good chance that we'll get in in early April. I hope.

Ugh, too much information all at once. My mind is.shutting.off.

Thinking about giving up

Before I went to bed last night, I looked up IUDs on-line. I wished I could get one.
Today I was in a daze, and everywhere were babies. Facebook, phone conversations, celebrity culture ... everything is about babies.
When my husband picked me up from school, I said, "I had a rough night."
He asked, "Why?"
"I think I'm pretty much done with the baby thing. I can't do this anymore," I replied.
He was quiet for a second, and said that he supported me no matter what. I appreciate that about him (so much), but I wish I knew if he were really okay with it.

__________

On the SoulCysters web site, I asked the administrator about the possibility of a childfree forum, given that none exists, and it is a legitimate choice about one's family situation. I'd like to be able to talk about this with other women who've already made the decision. But I got a really cutting response from her ("NO"), since she assumed that I wanted to start a forum where no one would be allowed to talk about children. Good grief. You'd think she'd be more understanding.

__________

I thought all day about what I'd be able to do if I had no children. I would've rearranged my twenties, that's for sure. I wouldn't have gone into teaching, most likely. Probably wouldn't have bought a house. I would have traveled more. I would be in a job that meant more to me.

Of course, I can't change the past, so I tried to imagine my future. Way more travel. I could go to Israel, Vietnam, Brazil. I could backpack in Africa. I could teach English in Thailand. I could do my Ph.D. I could have great cars, a nice house, and couture clothing. Those things would all be great; I'm not saying that they don't mean something to me. But somehow I just can't imagine that yet.

In the meantime, I'll make another trek to the doctor tomorrow.

??

I really want to know where God is. I've pretty much given up on God, and I don't want to hear any reassurances that God hasn't given up on me.
I have been faithful and patient. I've even thanked God for this tribulation, as it has strengthened me as a person.
But now I've had enough of it. I am seeing my nephews and nieces having children, and within the next year I expect my two younger brothers to announce impending arrivals. I can't deal with it anymore.

Feel like giving up, for real.

Well, it's 13 dpo, and I started spotting yesterday afternoon. So, if you recall my scientific proposal to test the 'just relax and go on vacation and get knocked up' hypothesis, I was right, and fertile people are wrong. While I should feel comforted to be proven correct, I'm kinda down about it.

For the first time, I feel like giving up on TTC. It's been so long (almost 6 years) of unsuccessful trying, and it's taken almost two years just to get proper medical assistance.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of all the waiting. Waiting to bleed, waiting to ovulate, then waiting for a positive test that never arrives. I'm tired of all the fads, like cinnamon and fish oil. I'm tired of timed sex. I'm tired of on-line information-hunting all the time. I'm tired of envying other people for their children. I don't want to think about it anymore.

I think I need a very, very long TTC break - with contraception so that I stop thinking about 'what if' - but if I decided to return to the baby roulette game, I'd probably have to wait yet another a year for medical help.

I'm so tired of it all, and I just want to lay it down.

Back from a baby-making vacay.

Back from seductive Cuba. (Viva Cuba! Cuba Si!)
We were away for 2 weeks. I had a wonderful time, and was able to forget, for the most part, about TTC.
I did o, though, at the end of the first week. Strangely, I had o pain for 4 straight days. I was wondering if I was getting a cyst or something.
So now I'm 10 dpo, and waiting.
Our appointment with the specialist is on Thursday, though, so we'll get the last of our testing done. I'm hoping and praying that we can start a medicated cycle next month. I'm not holding my breath for a + in 4 days, although I SHOULD get one, considering I took the standard 'fertile-friend' advice to go on vacation and just relax!

My poor, lovely little man

I can't believe I ever thought that dh didn't want children.

Two days ago, I was looking through the Christmas pictures I took with his family. At least 35% of them involve him with his small nieces and nephews (especially the nephews!). In one particular picture, he is sitting on a loveseat, face to face with his 3-year-old great-nephew, who is reclining on his lap. I took a closer look at my dh's face, and he is intent on whatever he was saying to the little boy at the time. I didn't realize that that intensity is the same as love.

I felt naive for ever questioning dh's desire to expand our family. Of course he wants children; I can see that in his eyes in that particular picture. He just doesn't say so because he knows what the additional stress would do to me. So he pretends the opposite.

Aw, what a dear man. And LOL - I feel so dumb for not realizing all this earlier!

finding soulmates in unexpected places

A textbook example of irony: I, a 'barren' woman, am taking an Education course on maternal theory.

Via e-mail, I asked my professor of the course (she's also my thesis advisor) about my topic for my seminar: the irony of being infertile while being paid to care for other people's children. I was too shy to talk about it in class, since I didn't want to deal with undesired 'advice' and pitying looks. However, I adore this professor, and her opinion matters to me.

So I shared with her a bit of what I'm enduring, and I attached the transgressive essay I wrote about it last semester, which was a bang-up piece of writing, if I do say so myself.

She replied by praising my writing, and then asked if I wanted to hear another story about it. (I thought to myself, "No, not really....") She said she's been through the same thing.

I bawled all over my office at the university. Tears everywhere. Dh says she must be my soulmate. :)

A scientific study about TTC and going on vacation

Ok, I'm designing a research study.

Please feel free to check my findings for reliability, validity, etc., etc. Sorry, I don't have the technical lingo down pat. I'm only on page 77 of my research methods textbook. lol

Principal investigator: Yours truly

Research problem: Fertile people tell infertile women to go on vacation, and poof, they'll be pg.

Hypothesis: That the above statement is a piece of garbage.

Method: Yours truly will go on a 2-week vacation next week to an all-inclusive resort somewhere in the Caribbean. She will rest and relax on the beach. During this 2-week span, she will ovulate. She and her dh will bd at appropriate times (i.e., before and during ovulation). After 14 days, she will use an HPT to attempt to detect pg.

Expected findings: After the 2ww, she will find that she is once again not pg.

Implications: The results will revoke the validity of the "go on vacation!" hypothesis that is so often forwarded by highly fertile people.

Explanation

Sorry, didn't explain my last post properly.

My father-in-law passed away last week. It's such a hard time for my poor dh.

I think the father thing is really getting to him now; as a cyster mentioned on SoulCysters, he probably wants the kind of relationship with his children that he had with his own father, who was a wonderful man. Aw, my poor dh.