near-disaster

security breach!

some local WAHM businesses are running a huge promotion - lots of giveaways - but you had to 'like' them on FB and then add comments on their blogs.

i was busy admiring their products and entering their contests ... and i did not realize that i was still logged into this blog and that all of my comments were linking to this clandestine tale of infertility woe. i realized after 2 comments that 'one-hit_wonder' was showing up and i hastily beat a retreat, deleting my comments.

hopefully my tracks were erased in time. i know friends and family members were entering the same contest ...

what a way to 'out' myself.

why am i being so secretive about my reproductive history, still? my stunning and talented and funny daughter is finally here and loving it. but there's a topic for another post.

to change the subject, my darling daughter has pretty much learned how to put herself to sleep at night. i am so ridiculously proud of her, you'd think she was valedictorian and Rhodes Scholar, at the very least! it took her 20 minutes to nod off and i only had to comfort her once. other than that, she played until she drifted off. :)

infertility: beginnings and endings

I've talked before about where infertility histories end. I don't think they do ever end. Even though I've turned out not to be infertile - it's my husband who has that dubious honour - and even though I have a gorgeous daughter who ought to make me forget all the pain, my scars remain prominent (although they feel different now because when I hurt I have my Ninja to squeeze). I still ache at pregnancy announcements. I'll never stop wishing that I had a 'normal' conception story - that I woke my husband early one morning with a squeal and a still-damp positive pregnancy test.

But where do our infertility histories start? Does it start when you don't conceive immediately? Or with the passage of an unsuccessful year of trying? Or the first visit to a specialist?

Perhaps I'm asking the wrong questions here. Sorry to get all philosophical here, but the assumption that the story has a beginning and an end is not the way in which stories are seen anymore. Our stories are fragments, whisperings, leaps from here to there. Infertility is no exception; our history with it swirls inward on itself.

Jackie over at Beyond the Brick Wall wrote an interesting post about her infertility history. It's a reminder that, as another poster commented, infertility is "the culmination of a lifetime of experiences that for almost every little girl has revolved around becoming a mommy one day." Please read it.

the power of positive thinking

because, of course, if we just Stay Positive, we'll eventually pee Positive!

so say many fertiles, of course. (you know i don't really believe that nonsense!)

loribeth over at The Road Less Travelled has an interesting post about this line of thought.

tough love parenting

first night of Tough Love parenting went remarkably well.

first time since last summer that i got 8 hours of sleep (not consecutive, but i don't mind that at all).

dh put ninja in a crib (sob sob - she has always slept with me so far) after she nursed for a bit and it took two hours until she fell asleep. i went in at 12:30 to nurse (45 minutes - a full feeding) and then ninja slept straight until 6:30! this is unheard of in our house! then she played for a bit beside me - about half an hour - then nursed herself back to sleep beside me until 9:45.

could this be real?

even if it never happens again, it was a nice reprieve. lol waking up 12 to 20 times/night to nurse was really wearing me down.

i am under dh's strict instructions while he's gone for the next two weeks: no nightlight, no alarm clock light, ninja must spend first part of night in crib (she gets too distracted when i'm beside her), and she may nurse up to (but not exceeding) three times unless she is sick.

the (now pregnant!) wiseguy commented on the last post that ninja seems like a strong personality and that that must not be fun for me. well, ninja is indeed hefty in both body and spirit but i thoroughly adore her the way she is. :) no matter how hard she is, she is mine and i love her the way she is.

ok, jumping right back into blogging

and of course the first real post is about ... drumroll please ... rat a tat tat ... the baby not sleeping.

she does.not.sleep.

at almost five months of age, i still have no idea what her preferences are re: routine. i'm not much for imposing schedules - i wanted to wait and see what her natural rhythms were - but apparently she prefers everything loose and free. this is not okay with me.

typical day: wake up after 10 hours in bed (often less), play with mommy for an hour, nurse for an hour (after fighting mommy for half an hour), play, nurse (after fighting mommy), fight mommy to stay awake, fight mommy to stay awake (repeat this cycle until bedtime), bedtime, nurse, wakey wakey, sleep for 45 minutes, nurse, fight to stay awake, then finally go down for night (waking every 20 minutes to 2 hours to nurse), then morning again.

there are many variations but they all involve too little sleep for the ninja. from what i know, babies at this age are supposed to sleep an average of 14 hours a day. mine sleeps maaaaaybe 11 or 12, minus all the night nursing time. two nights ago, for example, she only finally went to bed at 12 am and then decided at 5:30 that it was time to get up - and in between those two times, she wanted to nurse every 20 minutes.

right now dh and i decided to change things cold turkey. i have tried to make changes but it's difficult when i'm by myself with ninja most of the time, as dh works up north. i have done the best i can do. i try to tank her up during the day so that she will sleep better, both day and night, but ninja doesn't care to nurse when the sun shines. i also tried making her nurse for full sessions at night because she wants to eat for a few minutes every 30-60 minutes but that also didn't work - i was too exhausted dealing with her by myself and she just didn't want to nurse on command.

but, for tonight, dh has her. i nursed her until she - of course - woke herself right up, and now dh has her. i'm not allowed to see ninja until 12:30 a.m. to nurse, then at 4:30, and then at 8:30. she can easily go 5 hours during the day without nursing and so we figured that she should be able to go for 4-hour stretches at night.

i am not asking the popular "when will she sleep through the night?" question. i expect and accept that this will not happen for a long time. i am fine with night-nursing. i am ok with my own sleep deprivation. what i am not okay with is her own absolute fatigue. babies need sleep for many reasons, one of which is proper brain development. she needs sleep. how can i give it to her?

i will try really hard to maintain this plan - imposing a night schedule - but it's so hard with a very demanding baby. i love her to pieces, it's not about that. it's just that i am almost (ALMOST) glad that i couldn't have a baby when i first tried because i would never ever have had the patience to deal with this lovely but high-needs child. i do have the patience now, though. it's tough but we're working on it!

happy news!

I just got my internet hooked up at home - had enough of feeling unconnected to the world - and what was one of the first things I saw? A very welcome pregnancy announcement from the amazing Wiseguy! Yay!

Oh yeah!

on mother's day (belated)

Reflections on the first four days of motherhood

The first four days of motherhood were a dream state.

My birth experience was so very different than what I had envisioned – an emergency hospital cesarean rather than a low-key homebirth – and yet it could hardly have been more perfect. My DH and I were stormed in at the hospital with our brand-new sought-after baby.

Baby was born just after midnight. We stayed up for hours in our private room. Little Ninja – alert and inquisitive – nursed for the first four or five hours. I don’t remember if DH and I talked. It was dark and dreamy. Finally we drowsed and then we awoke to finish the day.

I called my dad and my mom – greeting them by saying, “Hi Grandpa, hi Grandma.” They came later that day to hold their brand-new granddaughter. My mom was beside herself with joy; my dad tried to play it cool but his eyes were excited. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law came later that day. We made a few other phone calls to announce the birth.

The rest of the three days was like a domestic fantasy. It was storming and so most people weren’t able to come and see us. DH and I talked in our room, stared at our daughter, and fell in love with each other all over again. The baby stayed beside me in the bed because the bassinet was a foreign and unwelcome object. I couldn’t sleep because she was so perfect.

DH was wonderful with the baby and me. He helped us breastfeed, he brought me food and water, he made tea, he ensured that the baby was safe and warm, he questioned the doctors and nurses when he felt that their care was inappropriate, and so on. He brought us orange tulips. He talked to Ninja: “precious baby, I love you, I miss you, I have big dreams for you.” He read to her, cradled her, whispered to her about her beauty, swaddled her, slept with her. After the first night he went home to sleep and he phoned me to say that he missed the baby and me terribly.

After four days we were discharged from the hospital; we drove home just before another snowstorm hit. We opened the door to our home and we started a new chapter in our lives.

happy conception day, baby girl

one whole year since you began the formation of your body and soul

love you

hi

I'm never on my blog anymore - still don't have internet at home except for the basics on DH's Crackberry - and when I am here, I'm checking up on IF friends. Even if I don't post, I'm there and you're often on my mind. In that spirit, please give some love to Clare who has lost her sought-after baby.

anniversary

One year ago today I took my first birth control pill - the ironic beginning to a fertile end.

A heartbreaking and expensive and foggy journey.

The end is here, lying asleep in my mother's arms.

I cry at least once every day, thinking about how incredibly blessed I am.

update

Wow, no time to post anything. and when i am online and i'm able to access my blog, i'm far more interested in keeping up with bloggy friends and so i forget to update my own situation!

I don't know what to say, really. I still want to write about the first week of this child's existence in my life. It felt floaty, surreal, dreamlike. But i have yet to do so. Life is different now and the nature of time has changed.

In some ways time has stretched out so that the day seems to take twice as long to occur, especially when when the Ninja says a vehement NO to letting me do such things as flossing teeth, taking out contact lenses, etc.

In other ways, though, each moment is going by faster then I can tally, such as the beautiful times like this morning, when I watched her for four hours as she, sound asleep, squirmed and wiggled and stretched on our bed. Then, having finally worked out the kinks, she turned her head to me - all flushed cheeks and eyes as round as pennies - and smiled, "I'm awake!"

introducing the little ninja

More than a month has gone by since my beautiful daughter arrived. Motherhood is exhilarating, difficult, lonely, joyful, and impossibly beautiful. I should be writing every day but I haven't. For now, images will have to suffice.

ninja's first field trip

I'm still here!

Sitting at the library - of course - and enjoying the Ninja's first mommy-baby field trip. (If I want her to be a nerd like me, we have to start early. lol)

So much to catch up on. New motherhood is the most exhilarating, lonely, joyful, and overwhelming thing I've ever experienced. DH is away up north - although we did get 10 sacred days together - and so I'm recovering from c-section and caring for my little girl. She's a happy baby but it's a big job to be a single parent.

Thank you so much for all the congratulations and words of wisdom. I'll be back soon.

birth story

After long years of waiting, my baby is here. She's lying half-asleep in my sister-in-law's arms.

I can’t post her name or birth date for privacy reasons. But I can assure you that she is the cutest baby ever. I think she has DH's lips and nose and hair but most people say she looks like my brother and me. She doesn’t really look like she did on the ultrasound pic – her nose and lips are smaller than what was portrayed on the photo.

I went into labour at 8:30 the night before and got NO breaks between contractions. I'd gotten my first internal check that morning - I was desperate to get things going because DH has to go up north - and baby was still head-down, as she had been for 2 months. Her hand was actually on top of her head - her fingers were wiggling around - and so the midwife wrestled with her to move her arm down. It was so weird - she said she'd never had a baby do that before! We talked about induction; I was going to try natural methods that day (evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, and use of my breast pump) and midwife was going to send a memo to the doctors in the area to ask if anyone would consider inducing me.

Labour started that night and it felt nothing like what people had told me to expect. From the start, hard contractions came one after another and I thought I was going to die. My midwife and doula arrived and I tried different comfort measures but nothing helped: sitting, lying down, being touched, everything made things worse. I wouldn't let the midwife do an internal check because it made the contractions even more horrible.

Finally I said we had to go to the hospital - something didn't feel right. They all managed to get me sprawled into the doula's van and we drove to the hospital.

There we had the bossiest doctor and nurses ever - they wanted me to lie down and I ignored them - I thought that was the worst idea I'd ever heard. I did manage to get myself into a position to allow my midwife to check the baby. She gave me an alarmed look and asked if the baby had had any sudden big movement that day. I said no. She said, "Well, I feel a foot."

"Oh, no," I thought. I knew that meant a c-section. (My hospital won't allow vaginal delivery of a breech baby.)

They brought in a doctor to confirm the position. He was in surgery already and so his mind was elsewhere. He said he thought the baby was breech. DH demanded to know if that's what he THOUGHT or what he KNEW. I was thinking - are you kidding me? Trust the midwife - she knows what she's doing! But an ultrasound machine was brought in and confirmed that baby had flipped head-up.

DH asked for a different doctor to do the actual surgery. Another doctor was in the building but he refused at first because he was at the end of his shift. He heard me groaning that I was pushing and couldn't stop it, though, and he changed his mind. He told me that it was going to be a 90-minute wait, though, for the operating theatre because another surgery was going on and the anesthetist was busy.

The option to go to another city to try a vaginal delivery was brought up but that wasn't going to happen - baby was coming at her own furious pace. I couldn't believe I was going to have to wait and I thought to myself, "They don't realize that she'll be out shortly on her own!"

The nurses gave me Fentanyl and laughing gas which didn't do much but it was better than nothing!

I don't know what happened then but 45 minutes later we were in a hospital hallway and the surgeon was explaining the protocol to me. He kept stopping and waiting politely through my contractions; I was so desperate to get going that I said to him, "Don't stop, keep talking, I can hear you!"

They rolled me into the operating room and gave me the epidural. Ah, sweet relief. I immediately offered to have the anesthetist's babies (and then I retracted that statement because it meant more situations like this one!). Haha.

DH got a warning from the doctor not to faint and to leave the room immediately if ordered to do so. And then the operation started. Time was all warped. DH watched a lot of the operation which surprised me because he swore all along that he wanted nothing to do with the birth.

Finally the baby came out - after the medical team wrestled with her because she was firmly wedged into my birth canal - and she was free.

DH looked quickly and said to me, "We were right - a boy!"

"Oh, good," I replied.

Then he furrowed his brows and said, "I think I looked too fast."

He went over and came back and said, “It's a girl!"

I replied, "No way, you're joking."

"No," he replied, "it's a girl!"

"Aw, I have a daughter," I said. I was so surprised!

Someone asked if she had a name. DH and I looked at each other. Um, no, not really. We were convinced that she was a boy! The week before, as a joke, we had come up with a girl’s name. We did both agree on the first name but we were stuck on a middle name. I said, “Well, what about the middle name we had picked for a boy? – why can’t a girl have that name, too?” (It’s sort of a unisex name that we made up.) DH said sure. And that was that. We laughed and forgot about it; after all, we were having a boy. And so, in the delivery room, I looked at DH and said, “Well, what about the names we talked about last week? I’m ok with it if you are.” DH agreed. We laughed and announced her name to the world.

The baby was content and alert from the start - my midwife said that the drugs were administered so late that they didn’t have much time to affect her. I wish I could have had her on my chest sooner but I guess they have their rules about how things have to be done. It's sure different than midwifery care. Anyway, they cleaned her up, did her Apgar test, etc., and then my midwife held her next to my head so that DH and I could get to know her. I couldn't even touch her at first because the scene was surreal.

I was wheeled into recovery and DH, my midwife, my doula, and my baby went elsewhere. I didn't really like that but what could I do? After a while - maybe 45 minutes - they all joined me. I got to hold my daughter for the first time.

I had been nervous about breastfeeding but the babe figured that all out on her own: I just looked down and there she was, eating away! lol

DH and I were up most of the night just looking at her. I don't remember much of it.

Stayed in the hospital for 4 days. C-sections are brutal, for sure. I was in so much pain. (I just figured out yesterday how to get out of bed on my own.) I had to have x-rays the next day because a tip of the forceps was missing and they thought it might have been left in my abdomen - hurray. But everything was fine.

The Ninja is healthy and happy. Doesn't fuss, really, unless something is wrong, although she is often restless at night which does drive me bonkers. DH is completely besotted with her.

So much for having a home birth. The midwife said to me that if the baby hadn't been breech, she would've arrived in a few hours and no one would've had time to get to my house to assist. Yikes! And she said that I can expect future births to progress in a similar fashion, if not faster.

That’s my story. I'll post pics as soon as I upload them from my camera.

Baby has arrived...

...and it's a girl!

More details to follow...

no, baby hasn't arrived yet...

I’m getting tired of our families e-mailing, phoning, and texting us to see if the baby is here yet. Right, because I gave birth and forgot to tell anyone? I sound mean, I know – they’re all just excited for us – but I feel very private about this experience (ironic, considering that I’m writing about this topic on a public blog … ) and I will not, as one of my nieces did, announce on FB that my water has just broken.

My parents texted yesterday to ask if my contractions had started. I gave a smart remark for an answer. Not content with that, my mom phoned this morning to ask again. I skirted the subject. We are in the hub of the area where our family lives and they all know we’re aiming for a home birth and so – well, you can imagine the nosiness. Plus the people in my culture are nosy, anyway. They will have to wait until we have news to share. I have asked my midwives and my doula to park their vehicles down the street so that no one who drives past our house will realize that I have ‘company.’

Other people are texting us, as well, and we’re ignoring the messages. Otherwise, when I really am in labour and we stop answering texts, people will figure things out right away. We don’t want them to. And so we’re already disregarding messages. It’s such a game. All I want is some privacy – to hopefully have a momentous home birth for which we’ve waited years and years – and then I’ll be okay.

But DH is thinking that, when Ninja arrives, we really won’t tell anyone for the first few days. We want to relax, get used to things, establish breastfeeding, and hang out together for 2 days before he has to go out of town. I’m all for that.

I haven’t been able to get a hold of my midwife to ask her about natural labour induction – we keep missing each other on the phone – and so I sit here, waiting, hoping that my husband will be around to witness the first few days or weeks of our baby’s life.

40 weeks. I never thought I’d get to this point. And here I am.

My first official day of maternity leave. In Canada most of us are entitled to 50 weeks of unemployment benefits for mat leave (plus a 2 week waiting period). I probably should have chilled on the couch but I didn’t. I cooked more freezer meals, cleaned, ran errands, etc. Cried once because I am so lucky.

I can’t believe I worked right up to my due date. Most people I know take off from work at least 1 week to a month ahead of time. I liked my job, though, and … well … that’s just the way I am. I have had an unbelievably easy pregnancy, as well, which helped. If I’d had morning sickness and uncontrolled edema and a sore back, I would’ve considered leaving earlier. But I didn’t. It was all good.

DH has managed to prolong his job by another week. But this means that if Ninja is 2 weeks overdue that DH might not be able to come home at all until the job is finished. It all stresses me out too much to even explain the situation here. I’ve got castor oil to try getting baby out but I don’t want to use it without consulting first with my midwife. So DH and I did the deed – fantastic, by the way! – but it didn’t get anything started.

Come on, Ninja, bust a move already!

stuff

Slept all night. We intended to drive to a bigger city yesterday – I wanted to buy some nursing tops and to visit with some of our friends – but other plans came up. House renos, etc. It was good that we didn’t go because I absolutely crashed. I stayed on a mattress on the living room floor and didn’t move until the evening. Then went to see Sherlock Holmes and fell asleep there, too! And then slept all night!

Today I feel great. Went to the city and hung out – that was fun. Last time we’ll do that for a while!

No luck with nursing tops, though. I always wondered why pregnant women and new moms look so frumpy. No, it’s not because they’ve lost their sense of fashion. It’s because companies making pre- and post-natal clothes have NO IDEA what is both stylish and functional. All the shirts scream is, “Hello, I have udders! And I can expose them in a flash!” I shall figure out something else to do.

We may have picked a girl’s name. It happened very casually. I wish I could share it here but it’s too distinctive. All I can say is that anyone who knows my DH will laugh when they hear the name. That is, if it’s a girl – which we doubt!

getting work done

Slept for half an hour last night. I guffaw in the faces of those who say smugly “just you wait” about the upcoming sleepless nights. How could I get less sleep than what I have been getting?
Last day of work. I seriously had to think about whether or not to go in to school. Baby’s head is pushing down and I had what I believe were contractions for an hour before I left for work. Because I am too dedicated, I went in anyway. Yes, I’m insane. I deserved to have my water break, most embarrassingly, all over the floor in front of my students.

I was fine, though. Somehow this week I have managed to get exams marked (they were pretty great, if I do say so myself!) and the report cards mostly done. I stayed at work almost every evening for 2 weeks to get it all finished. I’m so relieved.

day off, well deserved

Stuff with the parent blew up in my face. The things she said are so ridiculous – they constitute harassment, honestly – and they’re going to bother me forever. Thank goodness I have loads of documentation and evidence to prove her otherwise. Thank goodness for my dad, who has taught this student’s sibling and who told me from experience that this parent was a nut job. And thank goodness I have a great principal who has my back.

I took today off, anyway. Partly a mental day but mostly because I feel like crap. First official day of being ‘uncomfortable.’ Baby dropped overnight – now I’ve got a funny flat spot on the bottom of my drooping belly - and I think I’m having contractions. I don’t know. My uterus is pulling tight but it doesn’t hurt. My ute has done this all along – it starts to feel tight and as though the barometric pressure is changing – but I always thought it was the baby moving in an odd way. Now I realize it’s not him – I think it’s contractions.

I feel lousy. Every part of me feels arthritic. Except for my back which is still fine. Isn’t that bizarre, considering my chronic back problems? Feet and legs are humungous and I have carpal tunnel in my hands. And diarrhea (which I hear is a good sign). And I pee 19 times/day.
But all I can think about is when I’ll get report cards done. People are giving me pitying looks re: my hugely pregnant state but I can’t think about my ailments – I’m far more concerned about my job. I don’t feel worried or distressed about my physical status. No matter what, it’s not nearly as bad as what people said it would be. Really. Am I saying this because of the lingering infertile state of mind (“oh, I can’t complain about any aspect of finally being pregnant”) or is it just my personality? Or both? Or is it all just really not that bad?

My poor babe. I was so stressed out at school yesterday I forgot until 3 p.m. to drink water. I’m being a terrible mother. Tomorrow is my last day at work and so then hopefully I’ll be able to chill a bit.