moving on monday

I won't be on much for a while. We're moving on Monday - it's a 22-hour drive, so we'll divvy that up into 3 days, at least - and I'll have sporadic internet connection until we find a place to live.

Good news: we're driving through the U.S., so I get to go shopping.

Bad news: I have no money, and besides, I don't know what kind of clothes to buy now. lol My clothes all still fit, but I have no idea how much longer that will last. I have enough tops to last through the 2nd tri, I think - since 'maternity' has most unfortunately been in mainstream style for the past few years - but I'll needs pants sooner rather than later.

Anyway, for a quick 411, overall I feel fine. Bbs don't hurt. Lower abdomen is crampy from time to time. Still get tired in the late morning. And still have a million food aversions. Have been eating very strangely, in my opinion. Yesterday and Wednesday, I ate Tim Horton's soups and biscuits .... four times! Their soups aren't even anything special. lol

And, in non-baby-related news, I must say how shocked I was about Michael Jackson's death. I was just a little kid when he was at the height of his fame, but I really like his music, especially from the Jackson Five, and his Thriller and Bad albums, of course. I always thought that if he ever got his act together and started touring again, I'd definitely go see him. Anyway, I guess it shouldn't have surprised anyone that it would end this way for him, but still. He seemed too iconic to ever die.

first baby gift

Seriously. One of DH's coworkers and his wife bought us 2 Royal Doulton onesies (on these adorable hangers), a little handprint kit, and an elephant chew-toy.

I was overwhelmed by the gesture. I was scared because what if something bad happens?: I don't want to be surrounded by baby things. But it was very thoughtful of them; I was touched. It made the idea of a baby seem so real.

And DH said that there is more coming, especially since Friday is his last day on the job. He was told that many of his colleagues have 'gone shopping.' They are thrilled that something finally worked in the IVF department, and they want to give us baby stuff. (He works with the nicest guys, btw - they are terrific.)

Wow. I have baby things lying on my bed.

q&a

Kristy asked if I have a bump yet. Well, I do, but I know it's not the baby yet. lol I'm not sure if it's bloat or a few added pounds (from crappy food and little exercise), but my stomach has a definite paunch that wasn't there before. My whole abdomen is still very firm, though - I guess my abdominal muscles haven't completely given up the ghost yet. And my clothes all still fit fine, which is great. All I've had to buy so far is a new bra.

A while back, The Misfit asked about when we'll tell our family and friends. We want to wait until the end of July, when my second tri starts. (I will disable my FB wall early next month, probably, so that no one finds out that way before I'm ready to spill.) This is who we're going to tell, in the following order:
1) We're going to tell my family on July 23rd or 24th. They get to know first because, if all goes well, Ninja will be the first living grandchild. My mom will probably want to phone all her siblings to share, and that's fine.
2) Then, DH's annual family camp runs from July 24th to the 26th, so that's when his side will find out. He's going to tell his 10-year-old niece, and then she can decide how she wants to let the cat out of the bag. lol
3) There are a few good friends (including their families) whom we'll tell in person ASAP.
4) Will e-mail my new principal immediately so that he doesn't find out from someone else. This will be awkward!
5) Everyone else will hear our news through the grapevine. I'm not making some big cheesy announcement on FB, although I'm toying with the idea of making a 'How Well do You Know OHW?' quiz, and inserting the following question at the end:
-When does OHW hope to become DH's babymomma?: a) 1 year from now, b) 2 years from now, c) 5 years from now, or d) she's already on her way.

Two people asked where I bought my fetal doppler. I got a used one - 3 mhz and FDA-approved - on Ebay for $70 plus shipping. It was a lot cheaper than renting, and I can always sell it later or give it away. I can't wait to get it in the mail, but it's getting shipped (with no identifying labels!) to my parents' address, so I'll have to wait to use it until after we move (which is next week).

One of my Turtle Mutant friends asked: Why 'Ninja'? Well, the lovely and wise Wiseguy, a longtime bloggy friend, christened him as such! lol

And someone asked if I've been eating anything crazy. Um, YES. How about the chocolate bar I ate for breakfast last Thursday? Or Saturday's popcorn-and-Pepsi supper? Or the poutine lunch I've had TWO DAYS in a row? (Poutine is a French-Canadian fast food dish, consisting of french fries topped with gravy and fresh white cheese curds. YUMMY.) A far cry from my usual diet!

10 weeks

10 weeks today!

That means I'm already 25% done.

Wow.

Nothing new to report, really. My five million food aversions have eased up somewhat, though I'm still eating like a maniac. I've got a few mild symptoms, but overall, I feel fairly normal.

So that's that.

award!

The lovely and talented Clare over at The Pitter-Patter has given me the Kreativ Blogger award. Thanks, Clare!


For the Kreativ Blogger award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.

I love:

1) my Ninja and my man

2) the first warm day of spring in my c-c-c-cold neck of the woods

3) listening to a student tell me how much he hates reading, and then - after much hard work on my part - watching him plow through his first novel in five+ years

4) sitting around with my family, especially since my sister-in-law is such a hoot

5) getting a Facebook message from my dearly beloved niece

6) the anticipation of travelling somewhere new

7) writing something that I think is really good


But I'm a bad girl. I'm too tired to post to seven bloggers, but anyway, you all deserve it, so this award is free for the taking. :)

still 'p' word

Everything's fine. Here is the Ninja in all his naked glory. lol

Baby is measuring 9w3d, which is exactly on track. Heartbeat 146 bpm.

What a relief. (I am just verrrry lucky to have such mild symptoms.)

I wish I could have an ultrasound every week, just to see my husband's eyes when he's looking at our baby on the screen. And when it was over, I imagined my dad's reaction to all of this: he is going to be thrilled. I sure wish DH's dad were alive for this.

At our follow-up obstetrical appointment, DH startled the doctor by grabbing him for a bear hug. (My guy is a hugger.) And then he went to find the IVF nurse to hug her again, too. lol She laughed and congratulated us on having a January baby, since she/he will be the smartest in the class, and the best at sports, given that she/he will be one of the oldest. She says that research confirms it. :)

Ok, so I am allowed to chill out a bit for now, right? I am going to buy a doppler, as I said, so that will reassure me a bit. And if I can't relax, I'm allowed to take an Ativan. Yay.

Must.go.eat.

9w1d

I feel so normal. I hate it. No symptoms at all. Even my appetite seems to be normal today. I preferred the feeling of a perpetual hangover.

I can't wait for the u/s on Friday. If everything is ok at that point, I'm going to buy or rent a fetal doppler. It should arrive by the time I'm 10 weeks, and hopefully that will give me some peace of mind.

male factor news

Are Environmental Contaminants Endangering The Fertility Of Future Generations?

Main Category: Fertility
Article Date: 17 Jun 2009 - 2:00 PDT

We know that the environment can have long-term effects on our health, but what about the health of those who aren't born yet? A recent study looking at the birth weights of more than 5 million children born in Canada between 1981 and 2003 showed an increase in the frequency of genital malformations in male newborns and a decrease in male fertility.

Researchers concluded that the growing presence of environmental contaminants could be a plausible source of blame. What are the effects of these contaminants on the health of mothers and fetuses, and what are the implications for future generations?

Dr. Michael Kramer, Scientific Director of the Institute of Human Development, Child and Youth Health of the Canadian Institutes of Health Research, and key collaborator on this study, is available to discuss the study results and the impact of environmental contaminants on the health of mothers and fetuses in the present and the future.

Source
Canadian Institutes of Health Research
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/154185.php


Note from OHW: The article says there's an "increase in the frequency of genital malformations in male newborns and a decrease in male fertility," but I'd like to see numbers. I'll have to see if I can find the study itself.

8w6d and nervous

I'm anxious about the u/s on Friday, though I'm trying to talk myself into thinking puppies and rainbows. So worried about bad news.

In the meantime, I'm wiped, which is still a good sign, I hope. And I need to find something for supper, still, but can't thinking of anything palatable. Other than that, I feel just so ... normal. Bbs are fine, no bloating, no cramps, etc. I keeping hearing that it's normal for symptoms to wax and wane, but it's still so nerve-wracking.

Anyway, DH is gone again for work, so maybe I'll go out and see if Thai food will work for me today.

8w5d

Today was my first-ever due date. Yeah, I'm not feeling too verbal about that, but I am ok, I think. I try not to think about what I would have been doing today, had things been different. I'm glad I have other things to think about.

On another note, I am still having a humourous struggle with food. Pretty much everything except for fruit and milk tastes disgusting and makes my stomach churn. (And normally I am not a picky person.) But I'm hungry every 2 hours on the dot, so I'm constantly thinking about what I'll be able to eat next. For now, I just had a huge bagel - encrusted with cinnamon, brown sugar, and icing sugar, and covered with real cream cheese (all killer, no filler). Not something I'd usually eat, but it was so good! lol

But DH wants to make bacon-wrapped scallops for dinner. Ewwww. I don't think I'll even be able to handle the smell! I usually love any and all seafood, but not now!

And on yet another note, DH almost outed us twice already! Yesterday, he just about let it slip to his bff that he'd bought a carriage at a swap meet. And then today he said smugly to my brother that I was getting fat. But then he covered his butt by saying I was getting fat in the head from too many academic accolades. I told him sternly not to play little games like that because someone will surely guess! Blabbermouth!

CBC documentary: The Disappearing Male

For people with male factor infertility (or possibly even unexplained infertility): Canada's national broadcasting corporation has created a documentary on how environmental ills, particularly the millions of chemicals in our world, are affecting men's fertility and other aspects of health.

I believe that chemical exposure is the reason for my DH's infertility - since there is no record of such a thing among his many male relatives in his family history - and so I'm going to watch this doc tonight on CBC Newsworld.

The Disappearing Male

Thursday June 11 at 8 pm on CBC-TV & Saturday June 13, 2009 at 10 pm ET/PT on CBC Newsworld

"We are conducting a vast toxicological experiment in which our children and our children's children are the experimental subjects." - Dr. Herbert Needleman

The Disappearing Male is about one of the most important, and least publicized, issues facing the human species: the toxic threat to the male reproductive system.

The last few decades have seen steady and dramatic increases in the incidence of boys and young men suffering from genital deformities, low sperm count, sperm abnormalities and testicular cancer. Some researchers say that declining male fertility rates could be the first sign of extinction.

At the same time, boys are now far more at risk of suffering from ADHD, autism, Tourette's syndrome, cerebral palsy, and dyslexia.

The Disappearing Male takes a close and disturbing look at what many doctors and researchers now suspect are responsible for many of these problems: a class of common chemicals that are ubiquitous in our world.

Found in everything from shampoo, sunglasses, meat and dairy products, carpet, cosmetics and baby bottles, they are called "hormone mimicking" or "endocrine disrupting" chemicals and they may be starting to damage the most basic building blocks of human development.

NOTE FROM OHW: You can watch this documentary for free online (it's listed in the top right-hand corner, underneath 'Doc Zone').

8w3d: what CAN i eat?

Ohmygosh.

Blueberry pancakes dripping with butter and maple syrup. Made with luv by yours truly.

I just ate almost a whole recipe's worth of 'em.

Orgasmically good. I stood at the kitchen counter and shovelled it all down.

DH is gonna be miffed with me - I didn't leave much for him. lol!

I winned an Oscar

I was tagged for Honest Scrap by the brilliant and beautiful Wiseguy. So I'd like to thank the Academy for this award, etc., etc. ;)

Let’s begin:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Ok, here is some honesty from me to you:

a. I joke occasionally about not knowing how to dance, but the truth is ... that I really do not know how to dance. I wish I did. It's been life's greatest rip-off to me that I was born into a culture in which dancing was considered a no-no. (This is why we don't have sex: it might lead to dancing, haha.) Our schools did not hold dances. I was never even able to attend a dance until I was around 23 years old. It was mortifying.

b. I despise vegetables, for the most part, but I eat 4-5 servings/day because it helps keep my PCOS at bay.

c. My friends are often shocked by my TV choices. Because I'm so prim and proper and girly ... but I love shows like Titus (a brilliant and dark sitcom about a hot rodder and his highly dysfunctional family) and The Sopranos.

d. I visited Cuba for 2 weeks, and was surprised at how quickly I was picking up Spanish.

e. Despite my fastidious nature re: my clothing and hair and makeup, I don't give 2 shits about doing my nails. I'll give myself a French manicure for special occasions, and that's about it.

f. I'm estranged from my dad's side of the family. Someone's gotta stand up for principles, and that someone happened to be me. So I'm the black sheep of the family. Blah.

g. I wish I never had to settle down. I'd be happy to pick up and move and change jobs every year or 2. This habit will have to change soon.

h. I hated poetry until I was 23 years old, and now I love it with a passion.

i. I never dated until I met my DH.

j. I'm scared about gaining too many pounds during the next while because I am unable to lose weight. It doesn't matter how healthy I eat or how much I exercise - it's so frustrating.

I need to nominate seven bloggers that I am tagging for this…And here is the list –

1 – Britt

2 - A Few Good Sperm

3 – The Misfit

4 - By the pricking of my thumbs

5 – Conceive This!

6 - Hen Fruit

7 – Pitter Patter

8w1d: OHW die Milchkuh

A boring post again, but I'm somewhat fascinated by my food/drink intake these days. I kid you not, folks. On Monday I drank 1.25 litres of organic milk. Plus ate a serving of cheese and a serving of yogurt. I wanted it.

I mean, I grew up (for the most part) on a dairy, so drinking a lot of bovine juice is not an extraordinary concept for me, but 1.25 litres was a bit over the top, no? DH was amused and said that I was growing a tough kid, at least!

And I ate so much food. I was a little bit embarrassed to tell DH how much food I plowed through. I am not an emotional eater, and only rarely do I eat for fun (e.g., popcorn at a movie). I eat when I'm hungry, and just enough to fill the tank. So it was overwhelming to need a meal every 2 hours. And funny.

Yesterday was an 180 degree shift. I had a hard time getting my breakfast down, and then when I brushed my teeth, started dry heaving. Ok, so no more tongue-brushing until further notice. And I didn't know what to eat for the rest of the day, although I was starving. So I reached for.... milk. Yeah. It does a body good, or so I hear.

Also went to get my teeth cleaned, since I've heard that gums can become sensitive during 'p-word.' My dentist congratulated me in shrieky tones, just as though I were a normal 'p' woman.

And I learned that chamomile tea is off-limits at this 'delicate time.' Of course I freaked because I've been drinking it every day, since I'm off the caffeine. Grrrr.

This morning I met with my sleep disorder specialist. I do have a sleep disorder - hypnic jerks, hypnagogic hallucinations, and a mind that won't shut off. Most of which is related to an anxiety disorder, she says (oh so that's why I'm panicking that my baby is dead?). Yes, I'm special. So she advised cognitive therapy and, when I'm not 'p-word,' Ativan. Yay, I love Ativan. I can use it very occasionally, too, while I'm 'p-word' - Motherisk at Sick Kids says it's ok, with only a miniscule risk of cleft palate - but I don't think I will.

Ok, I'm off to eat again. Thank you for all the food suggestions - I noted a number of them, and will go grocery shopping later. I did make chicken-vegetable soup yesterday, so that's what I'll go grab right now!

FEED ME!

Oh my word, I'm so obsessed with food. I just made a pasta-pizza casserole and am busy chowing down on that, plus a green salad and milk, to try to fill myself up.

I'm eating at least 15% more than I always do. And the kinds of foods I want to eat - since I am being picky lately - just have a heightened sense of flavour. They taste so good.

I had to get up at 12:30 a.m. for a nighttime feeding (walnuts and milk - I figured the oils and protein would keep me going until the morning), and today I've been eating every two hours on.the.dot. I am running out of things to eat! lol

But seriously, I am almost out of food ideas for in between meals. These are my preferred snacks (I don't care for junk food, especially not lately, and am not into granola bars):
-blueberry bran muffin with a few cheese cubes
-plain yogurt with raspberries or strawberries
-celery stuffed with peanut butter and raisins
-cucumber slices and carrots with some cheese

I want some variety, so I guess I'll be all housewifely now and go recipe hunting.

Maybe I should make some banana-walnut bread. That would be good.

7w6d symptoms

Symptomata (since I have nothing interesting to tell you today, and this is all a massive novelty to me, so I'm soaking it up):

-bbs a bit tender and twingy, but they're not bothering me; nips stand at attention 24/7, which is hilarious

-fatigue: I can't walk for hours anymore, and I nap at least once/day, usually in the late morning

-not constipated at all

-cm is sticky and thick; the cervix (aka: The Turtle) is mushy and has receded up the wahoo

-have to be slow to get up from the couch, otherwise it feels as though I'm going to sprain my ovaries or something

-facial acne, but it's easing up - it breaks out at night, and then most of the redness is gone by the morning

-everything smells bad - but no morning sickness (so yay for that)

-hungry every 2 hours (even at night), but all I really want to eat/drink are: water, organic milk and yogurt, peanut butter on wholegrain toast, and fruit

-no headaches

-anything touched with even a bit of sentimentality on TV makes me cry - other than that, I'm alternating between paranoia, disbelief, and euphoria

-sex drive as though I'm 15 years old again

-crampy abdomen - just like mild af cramps

-remembering my dreams at night

three things

Thanks for all the comments on the pram; I read them to DH. He is so pumped about his plans.

This morning I woke up to this scene: DH sitting on the edge of the couch, staring intently at the pram, and murmuring excitedly, "I'm gonna have to chop it!"

Uh oh. lol
____________________________
The hormones are making me feel, er, ready to go at any given moment - and DH is pretty obsessed with my porn star bbs - but we're not allowed to do the deed. So it feels like we're dating again. Plus, just the fact that he and I are sharing this secret is making us all giggly. It is nothing short of wonderful.
____________________________
To end on a didactic note: As most of you know, our biggest impediment to conceiving was male factor. DH's sample is shoddy all around, at least on the outside (though we did see improvement for IVF #2, thanks to diet, vitamins, and exercise). Finally, our latest RE ordered a test called the SCSA, which looks at the interior of the sperm to see if the DNA is ok - which is what really matters, after all, for the purpose of baby-making. It's not a foolproof test, though, since medical science knows so frustratingly little about male factor issues, but it does provide a 'tip of the iceberg' indication of what you might be up against. It turned out that DH's boys were fine on the inside, which led us to try IVF #2. Anyway, Murgdan at Conceive This! wrote a very lucid and informative post on this topic, and I wanted to share it for anyone else who is battling male factor.

show & tell: Pimp my Pram (baby-related, so please feel free to skip if you're feeling sensitive)

Today my very dear husband made the first baby purchase (I'm all of 7w4d, paranoid about loss, and probably will not buy anything infant-related for as long as I can get away with it).

A vintage pram. And it is solid. He paid $40 at a swap meet for it.

The plan is to hot rod the whole thing. Black interior and black paint with a flame paint job. Shine up the chrome, add mags, etc. People are going to go nuts when they see it.

I went crazy when he showed it to me. Won't it be tres adorable? Highly impractical, yes, but who cares? DH said that his colleague and his wife used one in place of a bassinet, which they liked because they could bounce it up and down gently when their baby was fussy. So maybe we'll be able to do that, too.

Gosh, was DH ever proud of himself. As I pushed the pram from the truck up to our suite, he kept looking back at it, and then at me, smiling.

Shortly afterward, we giggled about how, if the Ninja is a boy, we will have newborn photos taken of him sporting a mohawk and a LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS t-shirt.

Even if this all goes to shit, it is a beautiful memory.

Join the rest of the class for Show & Tell here.

7w4d

Thanks for all the congrats, peeps. :)

I need to say something here. For my friends reading this who are still in the TTC trenches: if you feel that reading my blog will be too difficult, and you need to skip it, or even want to stop following entirely, please know that I am not at all offended. We all need to do what we need to do in order to take care of ourselves. Capiche?

Ok, of course, you know I'm all panicked again. I woke up early this morning to a searing cramp in my uterus. Enough to take my breath away. I didn't know what to do (i.e., go to an ER?) because it happened just once, plus I'm not bleeding. So I e-mailed the IVF nurse, even though she won't get the message until Monday. And then I drank three cups of water, ate breakfast, and went back to sleep for a few hours. What else could I do?

I still don't understand, incidentally, why my RE says that I would be at 6w6d today. He said he wasn't basing it on embryo measurements. It sounded as though he was basing the first day as the day after transfer, which I don't get, since his EDD doesn't line up with the online IVF due date calculators. So that's why I'm keeping the original due date. I don't think it matters, anyway.

The 'P' Word

It appears that I am officially 'P.'

To the left, please note Ninja Blueberry Mutant, in all his glory. (I know it's a boy. Not that I care, though, because I don't. A BABY is what I care about.)

Heartbeat: 140/minute.

One healthy embryo, implanted where he belongs. Don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.

DH got to see him first - the screen was turned away from me - but it was worth it, just to witness the look on his face. The lab tech was trying to do the scan quickly so that DH couldn't figure anything out or see the heart pattering away (since the RE was supposed to be the one to do the talking, at our follow-up appointment), but come on! Then why was DH allowed to be in the room in the first place? An amazed look suddenly came over DH's face - his jaw dropped for a moment, and he just stared at the picture. Then he said triumphantly to the tech, "Ha ha, you tried to move too fast for me, but I saw it! I know it's there!" She denied everything - she said when it's this early, patients can't tell what anything is on the screen - but he just laughed at her, so she gave up and turned the monitor to me so I could see the embie-baby.

Seriously. What was with the State Secret ... at a viability ultrasound for an IVF patient? Of course the neurotic possible-parents-to-be want to see what's going on! And the heartbeat is unmistakeable - a constant white flash - so I don't know what her deal was.

And she was reluctant to give us a picture, but she finally did when I said that I was just going to take a picture of it, then, with my camera.

But it was amazing. As I was getting dressed, DH sat on the tech's stool, alternating between staring at the picture and then staring at the screen.

We didn't talk about it afterward in the waiting room, but we were busting our guts to scream gleefully together!

At the follow-up, the RE waltzed in to the room and said immediately, "Everything is great, so you don't have to worry." He said that the embryo implanted in a great spot, and that his heartrate is 140 bpm, which was perfect. And he said that I'm at 6w5d, which I don't understand, but whatever. I don't care. I'm keeping my original due date unless my midwife says otherwise.

My response to the RE: "I am very happy with you!" LOL I said that I've sent at least 4 or 5 new patients his way, as my token of gratitude. :) He is da bomb. I love him.

More deets: I'm allowed to exercise again (since my ovaries look much better - just take it easy), I'm off the heavy-dose folic acid, no sex, suppositories for 2 more weeks, etc.

He asked if I wanted another u/s: YES, please! So I will return in two weeks to see the mutant parasite again. :)

On our way out, DH locked the IVF nurse in a bear hug, and then she hugged me, too. She's a great nurse: very professional and direct, and was clearly very happy for us.

So then DH and I bummed around the city. I finally felt 'safe' enough to buy a proper new bra for my expanding bustline (a really well-cut Calvin Klein - on sale).

Had a tough time eating lunch: everything stinks. It's a very weird thing. I finally settled on kick-ass haddock and fries - great quality, but I could not finish it. So now I'm hungry, but everything smells rancid. lol

Oh, and Uncle Kenny ROCKED last night, and so did Miranda Lambert! (Lady Antebellum was ok, but I'm not a big fan.) WE HAD SO MUCH FUN! I think we'll go see him again in August.

Whew! That is my story. I'm officially knocked up. It doesn't seem real to me. I can't even say the 'p' word.