So far - knock on wood - I've 'overcome' (ahem ahem) infertility.
But I still feel like an infertile.
Even though, after extensive medical investigation, it turns out that I'm not physically infertile. It was my husband's medical issue.
Even though I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant with a delightful little spud.
Even though I should be trying to block out the seven years of wandering in a desert.
Recently, at a family wedding, one of my younger cousins - along with her pram - came by to say hi. Loaded in the carriage was her new baby, who was due four days before my first baby would have been born. Her third child. I couldn't talk to her. She gave a birth announcement to my parents, who laid it on a shelf in the living room. I placed another picture (of people I didn't know) on top of it.
As well, I found out that one of my nieces - who has zero fertility problems - is expecting another baby, and that she's due shortly after I am. I was ragingly jealous. Isn't that ridiculous? But I was colossally upset, anxious, and envious. (She had no issue getting knocked up. And if anything happens to my little Ninja, I will have an awful reminder.)
After physical infertility seems to have been overcome, I wonder if the infertile 'feeling' ever goes away? Certainly it has become modified a bit. Now I'm more than fine with talking to fellow ('former') infertiles about pregnancy and babies. As well, I can now handle seeing regular pregnant women and talking with young moms. To a certain extent. I'm still uncomfortable, and feel as though I'm an imposter, and think that I'm jinxing my situation, but I can get through it.
But my feelings at seeing that baby carriage and reading my niece's news (on FB, of course) was like nothing I've ever experienced before.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
the infertile soul
Posted by one-hit_wonder at 1:17 p.m.
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9 comments:
I can tell you as a "subfertile" woman who has been blessed with children *and* delivered a baby via gestational surrogacy that the feeling continues to modify so that you can at least breathe in a room full of "regular" pregnant women and mothers, but the feeling never fully goes away. Well, at least it didn't for me, and I don't think it ever will. I'm finished building my family, but I still feel a bit jealous when people can just decide to get pregnant and then do just that. Even more jealous when "oops" pregnancies are possible. It sticks with you.
Oh Sweets... Sadly, I think we will always feel infertile even if we have 100 babies! It is just a part of who we are and it tells a part of our stories.
I still struggle with the easily impregnated... I think I always will.
I think IF allows us to see into a world that's invisible to everyone else - and once you see it, you can never unsee it. When you hold your Ninja in your arms, maybe that will change things - but I bet it will always be different than if you'd never walked this way. I certainly expect that my perspective is altered permanently. (I am extremely mistrustful of IF women who say they've been "cured" or "healed" of IF or that they've crossed over. I think you can get pregnant and have a baby, but I don't think you can cross over.) But all that is just me...
When you've spent 7 yrs. of your life as an "infertile" I think it is only natural that it take time for your emotions and feelings to sort themselves out. 7 yrs. of that kind of pain is pretty traumatic (at least for me anyway). I can't believe you are already halfway through your pregnancy!!! Love u :)
I don't think those feelings of envy towards everyone who becomes a mother far more easily than you or I did will ever go away. Hopefully having babies of our own will blunt them a little though.
Hope school starts off well! Wish they were paying you more though, given the amount of work you're expected to do.
Even though my sweet girl is now 17 months old, I am not over IF. One of the reasons we aren't going to try for more is that I just can't go through that again and I would rather just be thankful for the gift God has given us and move on in my life. Hugs!!
OHW....with all that jealousy and everything....I like you and your blog because you make no attempts to sugar-coat your thoughts.
Nothing will happen to Little Ninja. My best wishes are with him, and I pray that nothing goes wrong.
As far as the uber-fertile are concerned, I am at a total loss of how they get to be the way they are.
I don't know how my emotions would turn out if and when I get pregnant.
Those feelings are normal.
Only a couple months after we lost Jenna, one of my college friends posted on her Livejournal that she was 10 weeks pregnant.
Though I was happy for her (somewhere, deep, deep down), I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach.
Not only do you feel jealous of moms who seem to have no trouble conceiving, but also of mothers who haven't lost babies - that we know of, anyway.
Just the other day, I was speaking with a woman about babies. She told me about her son, who would be turning 2 in November. I immediately thought of my Jenna, whose second birthday should be November 7.
It's perfectly natural.
However, I can say from experience that it gets easier AFTER you deliver a healthy, living baby. After experiencing miscarriage, every subsequent pregnancy feels like it's got to be some cruel joke, just waiting for the punchline.
I promise. It'll get better. *hug*
I don't know how long it's going to take to get over it--in some ways I don't think we ever will. I'm 8 weeks pregnant now, and I'm still afraid to say "when" the babies come. It's still "if."
I think the resentment will fade, though, when you've finally got your little one to focus on.
Right now, I remain bitter and angry. And I think it's going to be weird to go to an ob's office next week. A doctor for pregnant people? What an odd idea.
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