maybe if you just relax ... reading this post won't give you high blood pressure

The Stirrup Queen, Mel, posted re: a new study in Fertility and Sterility that seems to suggest that relaxing=pregnancy. Go over to her blog and read it: she comments on the study and on its subsequent media coverage better than I could!

status of the embryos

as i've been saying, dh and i are tentatively planning to try an FET cycle. possibly this april, depending on whether or not i have a job at that point.

a month ago or so, i dug out our infertility medical records (at least 3 inches thick, no joke). i wanted to see how our four frosties had been graded. i didn't look at the time because i was so elated that i had any blasts, let alone six, that asking too many questions seemed to be calling for a rainstorm of jinxes.

but now i need to know.

and they aren't that great.

interestingly - and i wasn't told this at the time - our RE didn't transfer the best two embryos. he transferred the best one (a 4AB, from what I recall, which is really good) and the third-best one (an average one). although we'll never know for sure, it seems clear to me that the best one resulted in my little Ninja.

out of the four sibling-embies, one is a 3BB and the rest are 2CC (I think - don't remember for sure). (here's a web site that shows pics of the various grades.) the RE said they looked good so i thought the grades would be better than that.

huh.

i have an appointment next month with the RE and i'm guessing he'll peg the next cycle's chance for success at 30-40%. which is still a damn sight better than any chance we'd have without it. but it's far from the 80% chance we had last time.

don't get me wrong - i'm eternally grateful to have had one chance that worked. and that i have four blasts, still. i'm not complaining. just wishing i didn't have to think about this. i just talked to a former colleague who did nothing but complain about her 2-year-old daughter. her baby was a "failure of birth control," as she termed it. she'll never understand what a gift she has.

infertility and emotional resilience

oh gosh. i'm glad it's so easy.

kthxbi!

infertility: genes into which i hope my daughter never fits

Great post by Mel over at Stirrup Queens about the first American baby, Elizabeth Carr, who was born via IVF. Elizabeth just gave birth to her first child - a 'natural' conception - and she wrote an article about it for the Boston Globe. Mel points out issues for the rest of us, such as fears of passing on our infertility. This particular paragraph grabbed me:

my biggest fear, as a woman with high FSH, clotting factors, and a LPD, is that I will pass along these conditions to my daughter. And it is not because it is a pain-in-the-ass to engage in assisted conception –that is the smallest part of the matter — but the emotions that accompany needing assisted conception. I know that for some, they are simply amazed and grateful that this science exists and they can utilize it. But I experienced a very different emotional landscape, and I’d rather my daughter never curl up on the bathroom floor and sob as her period begins.

The last sentence made me cry for my daughter.

Back when I thought Ninja was a boy, I was paranoid that he'd 'get' whatever ails DH in the reproductive department. I did whatever I could to ensure health for my baby boy. I even bought organic cotton diapers with wool covers to ensure that nothing would harm his genitalia. I wanted him to avoid the heartache that my DH had on the road to conceive him.

And it turned out to be a girl. A beautiful, funny, bright, loving daughter.

Will I give her my borderline PCOS? Will DH's reproductive woes get passed on to her potential son(s)?

I think I'd rather die than know that my daughter is lying on the floor and crying because she is bleeding again. I'm crying again now just thinking about it.

All I can do is try to keep her healthy and happy. I will monitor her as she hits puberty and, if I see that her cycles are not regulating, I will bring her to a doctor ASAP (which my parents did not do) and I WILL NOT let doctors do to them what they did to me: stick me on the pill and refuse to do any testing. For so long doctors called me 'the problem' and I had to advocate for myself. My daughter, if she has anything similar the matter with her, will have me fighting for her.

And when she is old enough, I will let her read this blog and she'll know to watch for the same things in her children, if she has them.

in honour of world breastfeeding week (please avoid if feeing sensitive)

my breastfeeding story

a tale in progress.

i've been nursing since ninja was born. i have not purchased one container of formula. i don't even know how formula works. i'm glad. there are many mothers out there who long to be in my position. it is working for me because i am working for it.* my body happens to make milk - a huge blessing - and i don't have to have a job right now - another huge blessing - and so i'm able to feed my daughter this way.

although i dislike breastfeeding - i don't care for being leaky and smelly and engorged - i do it anyway and i do not take for granted my ability to lactate.

while i was pregnant, the idea of breastfeeding terrified me. i didn't grow up with anyone i knew who breastfed (or else they did it very discreetly) because it wasn't fashionable at the time. my mother did nurse me, though, until i was 3 months old. i never saw anyone nurse until i was in my early 20s, at least, and the view was still obscured by a prominent nursing cover.

plus i was scared about nursing my own baby because of the PCOS. what if my hormones interfered with everything? (my fears about this were alleviated somewhat when i started secreting colostrum at around the 5-months-pregnant mark.)

i prepared by reading a lot. after all, there was no one to ask for help. my grandmothers, who would have breastfed extensively, are dead. my mom has experience nursing a few of her kids (she didn't bf all of us) for a few months each (i'm beyond this point and she has no experience bf'ing an older baby). most of the women a generation older than me used formula because it was the cool thing to do. and so i relied on books. Bestfeeding was great because it was written simply and had lots of pictures of the Right ways and the Wrong ways to position baby. the La Leche League's book was good, too, but it drives home the mommy-guilt and i didn't appreciate that but that's another topic.

also, my midwife helped me by suggesting that, after she caught the baby, i drink mother's milk tea and some Guiness. done. dh smuggled beer into the hospital, much to my midwife's delight! (i tell ya, i sure didn't mind a cold one the day after ninja arrived.) she cautioned me, though, not to let the nurses see. funny enough, one of the nurses - while the medical team was scaring me about my seeming lack of production - recommended a dark stout, as well! my midwife thought that was great. she wanted to know which nurse it was, actually, but i couldn't remember.

as it turns out, i had nothing to worry about. ninja latched herself on within an hour or two of delivery. little baby was cradled in my right arm. i was talking to dh, my midwife, and my doula when suddenly i felt a pinching at my right nipple.

"whoaaaa, what's that?" i exclaimed. i thought some rude nurse was poking at me. i looked down. there was my tiny nursling sucking away. she looked at me calmly.

"neat-o!" i thought. it was true. newborns come with wisdom into the world.

ninja nursed for the next 4 or 5 hours straight. dh lounged in a portable bed underneath the window. when the sun peeked into the room, she let go and fell asleep nestled into my side. that was when my mind determined that co-sleeping was the only way. the clear plastic bassinet was in the room just to get in people's way. nurses tried, occasionally, to put her in there but she just screamed until either dh or i was holding her again. and i knew that was normal and good. she looked funny in there, anyway, like a big fish who'd outgrown her aquarium. and, besides, nursing is so much easier when you don't have to get up (or even wake up).

my milk came in at the end of the third day. i sensed it was coming because my breasts were becoming big and firm, my nipples were developing brown rings, and i could feel the small round milk ducts blossoming.

the nurses scared me, though. ninja dropped about 1.5 pounds during her first 4 days outside of my body and the nurses put the fear into me. i wouldn't have worried, otherwise, because ninja's colour was good, she was alert, and she nursed every 2 hours. i sensed that they thought i wasn't really feeding her. i resented being made to feel afraid. (i also disliked all the contradictory advice i was given about breastfeeding. i stuck to what i learned from Bestfeeding and from The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and that turned out to be the right thing to do. if i had done what my nurses told me firmly to do, my baby would not have thrived and i probably would have developed breast infections.)

finally one good nurse told me not to worry; she saw evidence of dried milk on ninja's cheek and that meant all was well. another great nurse checked ninja's latch and he praised me for it. i said that i had just done what i saw in the Bestfeeding book and he said it was great that i had prepared myself so well.

(i don't understand people who don't prepare themselves for breastfeeding. so many women seem to think that breastfeeding is natural. IT ISN'T. milk is natural; feeding is not! both the mother and the nursling must learn the dance. and it helps if the mother knows in advance how to position herself and her baby. it's good to know tips, as well, for trouble-shooting. i know too many women who did nothing to prepare themselves and who thought it was all going to be a breeze and, when the time came, had huge problems with latch, milk production, timing, etc.

we did have a few troubles for the next few weeks. nothing serious. ninja preferred the left side and it was hard to get her latched on to the right. with time and practice she overcame that problem.

my husband was truly the most helpful lactation consultant i could ever have imagined. he was committed to encouraging me and ninja to learn how become an effective nursing pair. he generated the idea of using my bedside table (because you can crank it higher or lower) as a positioner for ninja so that she could get a better latch on the right side. he was also my dedicated procurer of water because the prelude of every nursing session involved me nearly dying of thirst.

ninja settled into a routine of nursing every 2 or 3 hours for 45 to 55 minutes. sometimes she tried to go for 4 hours during the day but i put a stop to that because i wanted her to eat more during the day and less at night (we're still plugging away at that issue).

more bf'ing problems appeared along the way. i realized, finally, after three months that the reason ninja vomited so much and choked so often, especially at her bedtime feeding, was because i was overproducing and i had an overly enthusiastic letdown reflex. this problem wasn't addressed in any book i'd seen. i phoned a La Leche League leader who also didn't know what to do. i figured it all out, finally, and i learned that i needed to pump myself dry before ninja's bedtime and wake-up feedings. problem solved. i ended up dumping a lot of milk which made me feel guilty. i tried to donate the excess (to my SIL and to a few friends) but the plans consistently fell through. i bought a few milk trays and started freezing it but, wouldn't you know it, my supply just dropped by about 40%. at 6 months, it finally evened out. it still means lots of milk for the baby but i don't leak nearly as much anymore, i'm not engorged all the time, and i don't have to pump.

after the fact, i read about this very problem in Jack Newman's guide to breastfeeding (which is a terrific resource - he is a Toronto-based doctor who specializes in breastfeeding - and is he ever committed to the cause!). he doesn't offer any solutions and so i e-mailed him to say what i had done, in case it could help anyone else out there. he responded to thank me which was cool, considering how busy he is.

about, oh i don't know, 2 or 3 months into nursing i developed blocked ducts and then i got mastitis. the side of my left breast was engorged and hot and i felt as though i had the worst flu of my life. of course, i was alone with little ninja. that was terrible. i had to take a course of antibiotics and she and i stayed in bed for a few days so i could nurse frequently (to get rid of the blockages). both my family and dh's family have a dairy background and so they all felt sorry for me because they knew how miserable cows get when they have mastitis.

and, yes, i did feel like a miserable cow!

i seem to be prone to blocked ducts so i'm careful when i get them to apply heat and massage them because mastitis is not something i want to get again.

another problem has been ninja's nursing strikes. her longest one lasted a few months. she just doesn't want to be bothered to eat. she'd rather do it all night long. and she is easily distracted. my solution has been to nurse her in my ring sling. then she has to focus. no baby gymnastics, twisting and turning to look at the clock, playing with mommy's clothes, etc. just eating.

she won't nurse in public, though. it's too distracting for her. and so for now i am tied to the house. i would like to nurse in public, though, as a political statement. yes, i'm one of those. i've started working up the nerve. i did have to nurse publicly a few weekends ago at my dh's family camp. it was too hot to use a cover and ninja just bats it away, anyway. i nursed in the open, although you really had to look hard to see any lady bits. interestingly, my 10-year-old niece came to watch, as did my 5-year-old nephew. i hope from what they saw that they remember that breastfeeding is normal.

now i'm at the point of starting to think about weaning. i had wanted to breastfeed until at least a year. then, with the inspiration of my lactivist cousin, i thought of going longer. but because i want to do an FET in spring, my RE says i have to wean in advance. i'm guessing 2 or 3 months in advance, to allow the prolactin level to fall, but i don't know for sure.

i have mixed feelings about weaning. i don't like breastfeeding so i should be relieved at the idea of quitting but i'm not. it is a special time for my daughter and me. i do like the health benefits of extended nursing (both for her and me). i like not getting my period.

i don't like the idea of weaning for the sake of a baby who may not even come into existence. if i knew i'd get pregnant, stopping bf'ing wouldn't bother me as much, i don't think. but i don't know that. if the FET fails, i weaned for no reason. (oh, and for a few different reasons, postponing the FET isn't really an option.) and when i think, down the road, about our very last nursing session, i feel like crying.

i'm doing baby-led weaning to introduce foods. it's going well. i offer ninja spears of vegetables and chunks of fruit. she's learning what to do with it all. i eat the same things in front of her because that seems to convince her that she likes it all, too.

for now, i breastfeed my daughter 3 or 4 times during the day and 3 or 4 times at night. the process involves a sling and a pillow, cajoling, vomiting, quiet time, a copious number of towels and washcloths and nursing pads, broken sleep, and lots of dropped milk on my lap when my daughter takes a deep breath and gives me a wide grin.




*i do not in any way mean to imply that all women can nurse if they just work hard enough; i know too many mothers who poured their lives into making breastfeeding work and it just couldn't, for a variety of reasons

points about ninja to remember her by when i'm old and grey

-she growls at me when i don't do what she wants fast enough and/or to her liking. i do not respond to growls! so i ignore her or laugh at her. she gets the hint eventually - hello, growing awareness of social cues! - and then she laughs and gives me a softer edge to her voice

-during the last few months she has become very shy unless she's in my ring sling. she especially despises my dad (and he loves her so very much!). i do not pass her to people if it upsets her. i've found that if i keep her in my sling and then, over the course of an hour or two, loosen it until it falls around us, she warms up to present company and won't cry. then, people offer their arms to her; she is hesitant at first but when i feel her tip herself in their directions, i know she's ok and i pass her on to the others in her life who love her so much.

-on a related note, she thinks strollers are so last year.

-she is still impossible to put to bed. this is not new. today i spent a total of 6 hours trying to get her to sleep. oy.

-she loves to grip my hands and swing herself from side to side on my lap. to her, it's really the happiest thing in the world.

-she also loves it when i: sing to her, dance with her, put on makeup in front of her.

-when i change her diaper, she chases my shadow on the wall.

-she is so close to crawling; when i put her on the floor she is already motoring around

-she loves Sophie the Giraffe (dumb looking toy!) and her handmade sock monkey (another goofy toy)

-she can't be bothered to nurse during the day, preferring still to snack every 2 hours at night although we had gotten her to go for 4-hour stretches

-she is obsessed with the TV. i don't let her watch anything and so when it is on, in odd moments, i can't possibly get her attention on anything else

-she despises her car seat and so i can't leave our town. she also as a rule won't nurse in public or nap outside of the house. i'm bound to our home. i am mostly ok with this but others in my life are not.

-nothing excites her more than having a bath

-she thinks clothes are dumb and that i'm a Mean Mommy for making her wear anything

-she is terrified of my elliptical trainer and so i can't exercise

-she has the best smile in the world. i asked dh where he thinks she gets her sparkly grin from - me? him? a grandparent? - and he said, "from herself."

oh yes, there will be tutus

a party with family and friends, presents, fondant cake (with an accompanying smash cake!), professional photographer, flowers, a tutu ...


yes, i've been dreaming of ninja's birthday. this started a month or so ago.

we've got half a year until the ninja's first birthday but, hey, who cares? i'm going to do what i want to celebrate her life.

i've already bought two of her presents. well, i picked them up at garage sales. that sounds terrible but i don't care. i got great stuff (a brand-new playskool scooter-type-thing and beautiful gymboree clothes with the tags still attached) that didn't cost the earth, both in terms of $ and carbon footprints and all that. i'm excited when people get me stuff they found while thrifting so it's all fine by me.

good thing i was already thinking about n's birthday because the cake designer and the photographer i wanted are already booking into november! i sent off e-mails today to put in a request for my baby's special day. :)

i told dh today over the phone about this and, instead of laughing at me or grumbling about the price (he's not tight-fisted but his business is tentative right now), he said it was good.

now, for cake:



i was thinking something like this. except a little baby bird between the 2 big birds. the four eggs in the nest represent n's frostie siblings.

yes, i'm an english major, dammit. everything has to represent something! even on my baby's birthday cake!

just say no to mush!

good thing i'm trying baby-led weaning. ninja hates all forms of mush and so i'm sure that if i'd started her on purees, she would have disliked everything. NO to squash, sweet potatoes, oatmeal, bananas, etc. YES to hard things that she can chew on, like asparagus, carrots, and broccoli.

yesterday i tried offering butternut squash. she gave me her worst look.

i tried again this morning and ninja remembered it: wouldn't even look at it or touch it. i did touch some of the squash inside her mouth - just because i want to her to have some exposure so that i can tell if she's allergic or not - and she made a huge show out of coughing and gagging and pretending she couldn't breathe. (i knew she was fine.)

funny gal.

Infertility Contest!

The Misfit over at Just Being is having an Infertility Contest. This idea makes me laugh like mad because there's nothing like infertility to bring out the hahas in all of us!

Here are the details:

The Contest

(1) The contest would be open for a whole month - say, until August 16. That way people who are traveling or only check blogs occasionally could play if they like.

(2) The contest would be for the worst infertility-related experience of its type. There would be several categories:

-most outrageous statement about infertility/children/parenting that has been made to you personally
-craziest infertility remedy suggested to you personally
-most outlandish infertility or TTC treatment/remedy/good luck charm you have actually done or used (must include results)
-most outrageous public backlash or spectacle you've ever engaged in regarding IF/TTC
-please suggest others I've missed!

(3) "To you personally" will also include to your spouse.

(4) You must be infertile/secondarily infertile/RPL to play, whether you have kids or not, and whether you are still TTC or not.

(5) I'd have to judge subjectively, so I can't compete. I'd award some sort of silly prize - suggestions welcome.

(6) You can "enter" the contest by submitting your entry in a comment on this post, or commenting with a link to a blog post where you've discussed the occurrence you're using as an entry.

(7) Everyone is welcome to lobby for or against others' submissions!

See you over at Just Being for some crazy stories. I'm not sure if I'll enter - just because I don't think I have anything that unusual to share - but I want to read the entries.

a captive audience

Ninja thinks I'm The Most Wonderful Thing Ever and that is the #1 reason why she won't ever go to sleep.

I'm a very ordinary person. Reserved, nerdy, semi-crunchy. I think I have a decent sense of humour and I do like to be the instigator of pranks. (I whisper ideas and then others do my dirty work. I look innocent and so I get off scot-free!)

But my dear child considers me the be-all and end-all. Which is very flattering. It's a new experience to me: having a captive audience. She laughs at all my jokes.

She thinks almost everything is a hoot, really.

Two weekends ago she laughed in the crying face of her cousin, a four-month-old baby.

Last week she laughed at two ladies in the thrift store who, most unfortunately, were at the receiving end of a crashingly broken full rack of clothes. (And then she tutted at the ladies, presumably to guide them to the best way of remedying their problem. I giggled so hard I had to leave the store.)

Schadenfreude much? ;)

Her laugh isn't that loud yet. Occasionally she manages to actually make 'laughter' sounds - especially when I tickle her, which occurs at least every 2 minutes - but usually her giggles are more physical (shaking body and smiling face) than aural.

Today the Ninja was babbling away and I was imitating her. She stopped chatting and laughed out loud. That was the first time that she communicated to me her understanding of what was happening when I make the same sounds that she does.

Ah, baby giggles. There's nothing better. Except maybe the experience of watching this little person learn to listen and to talk.

catching up to do

Expect a number of posts from me in the next few days because I have lots of catching up to do. Not so much about Ninja - although lots is always going on with her - but about infertility in general, my musings about FET, and other people's IF blogs.

First. The Misfit over at Just Being wrote an amazing (and I'm not taking that word lightly) post about the mental ramblings of an infertile woman who can't shake that b!tch named Hope.

This part got to me:

And you feel a hundred. And a part of you has died. You never cry when you get your period, you never talk about how exciting it would be if it were "this month," you eventually stopped throwing baby showers (people stopped asking you to, eventually), and finally you basically stopped attending them, but you know what the strange thing is? The hope isn't quite dead yet. It's the most horrible thing in your life. It won't let you have any peace, not even for a moment. You make career plans and financial plans and savings plans and you bravely compute futures that include no children, and buy plane tickets for nine months from now, and live in a house in the city, and spend your vacation time at work on actual vacations, rather than saving it all up for that extended maternity leave you always wanted.


And you never tell your husband, but every month, a tiny, horrible, un-killable shred of you believes against the weight of all past experience that it could be this month. And when people ask you, or say, "When you have children," you bravely say, "Well, if," or "We'll see." But you don't tell them the name you're saving for your first girl, in case they take it.


Hope is the worst thing in the world.


No, no, infertility is the worst thing in the world. Hope is second.


Misfit, that was powerful stuff and I'm deeply sorry that it had to be written. A million women have felt these words but you said them with earth-shattering style. I even had to e-mail Mel at Stirrup Queens, which I've never done before, to ask her to read it. When I finally out myself about my reproductive history - because it will happen one day and I'm going to post about that soon - I will ask anyone who cares to read your words. Maybe then they'll try to attempt to maybe empathize with what DH and I endured to bring our beloved Ninja into our lives.

*le sigh*

we're on to solids.

i'm proud of my girl for doing a great job of growing but what happened to my little baby?

mother-sighs aside, i wanted to write about what dh and i are doing with Ninja re: solids because it's sure not what we're used to. we're trying baby-led weaning.

we grew up thinking that purees were a must. apparently, for healthy and ready 6-month-olds, not so.

so far i've given Ninja tastes of avocado, sweet potatoes, carrots, and bananas. mainly, i brushed her lips with morsels. no go to most of it. she thought bananas, especially, were a terrible idea. at the taste of sweet potatoes, she gave me her worst look: mommy, how could you betray me like this? and then when she nursed, she made a loud production of going "nom, nom, nom." so yummy, mummy! this is what i wanted!

today, we started BWL in earnest. i got her ready in her chair (to which she was already accustomed because i wanted her to be used to sitting in it). and then i gave her a stick of steamed broccoli.

she went crazy for it! nom nom nom! she gnawed away happily for almost half an hour. the spear remained but most of the florets were gone. no choking, no gagging. she knew what to do with it. good job, kiddo!

btw: i am still nursing. i am not a fan of breastfeeding - i'm constantly engorged, dripping wet, smelling like sour cottage cheese - but i believe militantly in its importance. i plan to continue until Ninja is a year old. i'd probably go longer - up to two years or more - but in spring i want to do a frozen cycle and the IVF nurse says i have to wean first.

*****************

just now, i'm trying to put Ninja to bed and i've noticed that she is mastering the art of manipulation. her normal desperate cries for me to come save her (and i always do) sounded different to me. canned or something. instead of picking her up, i waited and watched. suddenly she stopped her odd shrieks and groans and looked up at me. and grinned.

little bugger!

best day of my life (from july 22nd - posted today)

the backyard swimming pool is ready. the air is 26 degrees celsius. the pool water is even warmer.

DH: k, i'm taking Ninja in. you can go do your errands.

OHW: uh, no. guess it'll all get done another day.

i change ninja into a diaper cover and an adorable swimsuit alighted with pink and orange butterflies. and a towel that, when wrapped around her, makes her look like a piglet.

i hop into a bathing suit. look at myself in the mirror. i don't look too bad but i could lose a few inches, still.

dh and ninja jump into the pool. it starts to rain. ninja's not too sure about this. i snap a few photos. she sees i'm smiling and so she starts to play. i step into the pool. it rains and rains. the rain is cool and the pool water is deliciously lukewarm. we play and play. an hour goes by.

i blow in ninja's face and dunk her in the water. she comes up sputtering, sees my laughing face and she bursts out laughing, too. she giggles at the sight of her dada diving into the water and disappearing, then reappearing with a smile and a shout.

my eye makeup is running everywhere and my hair is a mess. i swim and float. i watch dh play with our child and the tears come. my red eyes are forgiven by rain and chlorinated water.

dh and i take turns playing with the baby. we hold her by the jet so that she's bathed in the warmest water.

still in the pool, i nurse her for a few minutes. she giggles madly at this odd turn of events and dh calls me a lunatic. she can't concentrate on sucking because it's all just too comical.

we go inside. i wrap her up in the big pink towel, dress her, feed her, and she's out for a long nap, dreaming of her looney parents and warm milk.

***

i pick her up at the end of her nap. she's still tired and she falls asleep again in my arms. she hasn't done this since she was 6 weeks old. she never ever falls asleep against me. i stand still and look at us in the mirror. is this the last time?

***

later in the day, she gives me kisses and kisses.

***

the best day of my life. the cost was worth it.

ramblings: cuteness from the ninja

last night the Ninja repeatedly grabbed my chin and gave me kisses on the mouth so that i wouldn't put her back down for bed. it's hard to be the Tough Parent when she does that! i had to hold her below my chin so that she couldn't distract me with her Kissyface Cuteness. it is so hard to refuse baby smooches! but i didn't want her to derail me from teaching her how to go to sleep. i held firm! and i still got 3 or 4 kisses this morning so all is well.

she slept SIX HOURS in a row last night. first time ever. since we curtailed the bed-sharing (waaaah! i liked having her in my bed!) she sleeps around four hours in a row which i think is pretty good, though. it was weird to wake up with my right boob as solid as stone and realize that she'd blown two hours past her normal feeding. good job, kiddo!

and because i had her in bed early again - i've been moving her bedtime earlier and earlier - she stayed there for 12 hours instead of her regular 10. she felt great when she woke up this morning! and so we went thrifting and i bought a shirt for her christmas outfit.

today she found her hair so she pulled on it like crazy. i was surprised that she didn't fuss that it hurt. she's a tough kid, though. when she gets hurt or feels scared, she looks at my face to gauge my feelings and then she reacts accordingly. usually this means no tears even when she is hurt or afraid. so when, for example, the train runs late at night and awakens her, i turn on the light so she can see that i'm not frightened and then she stops crying immediately. dh is in awe of the effect i have on her. for my part, it feels like a huge and wonderful responsibility: to care for a wee girl's emotional health.

the accepted rule in IF land

infertiles don't have to attend baby showers. that is an accepted rule in IF land. except for the shower i coerced my mom into having for Ninja, i've never been to a baby shower.

but i, a recovering infertile, went to an actual Real Live baby shower today. with presents and ooh'ing and ah'ing and everything. it was for my sister-in-law and my new niece.

surprisingly, it didn't bother me at all to be at a party for a baby, even an 'oops' baby (my bro and SIL found out about her when SIL was already in the second tri - what astonishing luck some people have). i love my niece and so it was all right. so i helped plan the party and everything. i even cut precious pink roses from my mother's day rose bush that DH and the Ninja gave me to use as centrepieces.

and i had Ninja with me - my sparkly girl - to hug. without her, no way would i have gone to any baby shower. without her, i'd be either dead or on the other side of the world right now.

(and Ninja stole the show, anyway. she is full of hilariosity. much to everyone's delight, i kept blowing in Ninja's armpit to elicit her delicious shrieks and giggles.)

sometimes now i feel as though i can rejoin the world.

consult to come

Just heard back from the IVF nurse. She passed my note on to The Miracle RE and he is going to phone me for a "follow up appointment."

I can't believe I'm even considering this so soon. No new mother I know wants to have another baby ASAP. But I do.

convincing DH

OHW: I e-mailed the IVF nurse today.

DH: Oh? How is she doing?

OHW: Don't know - she's away from work but she says she will get back to me ASAP.

DH: She's so nice.

OHW: Yes. Do you want to know what I was asking her?

DH: Mm hm.

OHW: What the FET will involve. (Lists off the questions.) We've done this before but I forget it all and it was at a different clinic, anyway, so this one probably has different protocols.

DH: We said next summer, right?

OHW: Yeah.

DH: Well, I want a January baby. So let's do it in ... April.

OHW: (Laughs.) ("If this even works," she thinks; she knows that DH is acutely aware of the chance of failure.)

DH: Ok?

OHW: Why January?

DH: Because it's cool! That's when my daughter was born. And how many other people do you know who were born in that month? No one. (*Explanation here: it's so friggin' cold during our winters that no one who is able to 'plan' a pregnancy chooses to give birth during January.)

OHW: (Laughs.) Well, summer is good.

DH: No. (Decisively.) April.

OHW: Ok. We'll see how it goes.

frozen dreams

I just e-mailed my IVF nurse back in the Big City to ask about a future FET. Questions ranging from type to timeline to cost.

I must mean business.

DH and I talked about next summer but it wouldn't take much convincing on my part to get him to agree to do it sooner.

How about January/February? Ninja would be a year old. Hmmm...

We are not financially stable yet - although we're certainly not hurting - and this is really the only reason for any sort of delay. Our unemployment insurance and mat leave will end within 6 months and DH's business is still very new. If we had a firm income, I'd start cycling today and I know that DH would be excited about it.

What does the future hold? I hope at least one more baby.

In any case, I am forever grateful for Ninja, my sunshine girl.

milestones

So many milestones in such a short amount of time.

A few days ago, she:
-found her toes and played with them
-recognized her first word ('tickle' - heehee!)
-pulled herself up to sitting (from a semi-reclined position) and held her balance
-tried her first food (avocado)- I had planned to wait until the 6-month mark to introduce solids and we're not there yet but I wanted DH to be around for the big event; I figured that a few weeks' difference wouldn't hurt

And then today, she:
-was introduced to the sippy cup and used it successfully (to down some expressed milk) - HOW ANNOYING that she accepted the cup and not the bottle! I could've tried the sippy much earlier! Silly kid!
-kissed daddy for the first time :) - she sings a bit, then i'm expected to sing back, and then she plants her round mouth on mine. she invented this ritual. DH got it for the first time and he just about melted.

Mother's intuition (is not an old wives' tale): I told DH over the phone last week that it was good he was coming home this weekend because I sensed that Ninja would be doing a lot of new things. Was I ever right, much to my chagrin. She won't be a baby much longer, at this rate.

yesterday's phone conversation

I wonder sometimes if I have some kind of infertility-related post-traumatic stress disorder. That statue I posted yesterday - looking at it very nearly gave me a panic attack. I don't know why I posted it; it hits too close to home.

I'm not the only one in this house who feels this way. DH and I were talking yesterday on the phone. Somehow we very vaguely got onto the topic of faith. Keep in mind that we haven't attended church in over three years.

DH (sullenly): I don't want to talk about that. Not over the phone.

Me (confused): Talk about what?

DH: That.

Me: I don't know what we're talking about.

DH: I'm mad. I know we should take Ninja to Sunday School but for me to sit in a pew ... I'd feel ...

Me: Like a hypocrite.

DH: Yes. (Pause.) Why didn't God want us to have her? Why did it have to take so long?

Me: I'm pretty broken up about that, too. I don't know what to think.

DH: When my sister (who happens to be a deacon's wife) says that Ninja is a miracle, I want to say "no, we paid the doctor to make her."

Me: All I know is that she's here, so to me it is a kind of miracle.

DH: Yeah.

Me: I guess, though I'm not cool with how long it took, I'm coming to see - very grudgingly - that if we'd had Ninja when we first wanted her, we would never have had the patience required to parent her. You know how we are. Now we're old enough and wise enough to have the patience. She is the perfect kid for us, stretching us in the ways we need to be challenged.

DH: Yeah.

Me: And if we'd had a kid when we first wanted to, we would not have Ninja. We'd have a different kid.

(Quiet.)

Me: That's just the way I am trying to think about it.

DH: I don't want to talk about this over the phone.

Me: Ok.