thankful

Right.

Five more things for which I am grateful:

-My pay hike, if/when I land a teaching contract.
-Stephen Colbert. I love him so much. He completes me. lol
-My cup of coffee this morning. My thankfulness for that nearly goes without saying.
-My dad, who is doing his best to encourage me to move 'back home' without actually coercing me.
-Raspberries - nature's perfect fruit (except maybe for Niagara peaches in August).

teaching: what a drain

Gah, teaching is so annoying, and I'm not even back in the classroom yet!

I just spent 4 hours (and $75) getting the paper trail started for one teaching application: criminal record check, resume, references, transcripts, teaching reports, etc. And that doesn't include the child abuse registry, for which I have to get copies of my I.D. notarized, first, and a bunch of other things. I'll need another $50 and probably another 4 or 5 hours to complete the application.

If I do get one of those Middle Years positions I was talking about, I found out yesterday that I'll likely have 35 kids in my classroom. Yikes. That is too many bodies in one room.

But what can you do, right?

Good news, though: I accidentally discovered today that after I graduate this fall, I will move up two spaces to the top of the salary scale. This is good for my pocketbook. It doesn't make a massive change in my salary, but it is an extra $4,000-7,000 per year. That's nothing to sneeze at!

what to do in autumn?

What to do about September? I am nearing completion of my thesis; I'm over 50% done. I need a job - a teaching position. I've taken 2 years off from the work force - except for research and teaching assistantships - and it's time to earn a regular paycheque, and a pension, again. Government's been paying my way all this time, but still. Time to put what I've learned in this master's degree to work in the classroom. Time to stop being self-absorbed; i.e., combing the Internet for IVF info. Time to overcome my fear of the classroom (I've had every experience you can imagine, including death threats, attempted child abductions, etc., so I think I'm entitled!).

Finding a job will require moving back west. Grooooan. I miss our friends and family back there, but I do not miss the dreadful weather and the lack of interesting winter activities. I also worry that moving back to my conservative community will mean that I'll stop writing, but that's another story. And if the IVF doesn't work, I'd be extremely limited in infertility care choices - basically, I wouldn't have any. Moving back there also means that DH will get laid off every winter again, due to the nature of his job. These are not complaints; just things we have to consider.

DH doesn't really want to move back because he likes his current job. But he doesn't make enough for us to live on, especially not in the event of a pregnancy. He makes a good wage, and it's steady work - it's just that we live in a very expensive part of the country. We could make it work, but there'd be no room for frills, including his sports and automotive hobbies.

But what if the IVF is successful? It means that I'd be due in January 2010 (that feels weird to write). I'd have to quit a job one semester after I've begun, pretty much. That makes me feel bad for my potential students and principal. But, as DH reminds me, it's my right as a woman, pregnant or not, to take a job, and that that's a right for which many feminists have fought long and hard. He said I'd be flying in their faces to not accept what I wanted because I might be expecting. True.

But then if I were on mat leave, and DH would likely be laid off until spring ... urgh. Would I have worked long enough to qualify for maternity benefits, so that our combined unemployment incomes would be enough to live on until the following spring? I'll have to check that out.

Anyway, one temporary high school English position has been posted, as well as 2 permanent Middle Years jobs. I have to decide within the next few days. I also applied for a position as an Education professor; no idea if I have a shot at that, but was the pay ever good! And I had the qualifications, so we'll see.

If I knew I'll be blessed with a viable pregnancy, I'd hope for the high school position, since mat leave would coincide most conveniently with the end of the first semester, so I wouldn't really be inconveniencing too many people. If I knew that I'll not be blessed, I'd apply for the other jobs, or even wait it out for a full-time Grade 8 position, preferably teaching English and 1 or 2 other subjects.

I don't know what I should do! So many decisions, and not enough background information to go on. I do know that I don't want to exist complacently in the land of IF - I have to keep living my life.

list

In light of what Eve said, I thought I should do some sort of gratitude list, just to start the day on the 'positive' (ack!) side of things.

Five things I'm grateful for:

1) Basics: food and shelter. It's something that most of us take for granted in the western world, and I know this alone means that I'm materially better off than many people, and so I am very thankful. For I am aware that I did nothing to deserve this.

2) My hobbies - reading and writing. Do not know where I'd be without them. They provide an escape, a venting system, a source of beauty.

3) My DH. As annoying as boys are in general, I love him, and I know that if I'd tried to be with anyone else, I'd be divorced already. (Because really, marriage is not for me, but I am with DH because I love him.)

4) Espresso, especially paired with organic steamed milk. Mmmmmm...

5) My Navajo turquoise-and-silver necklace. When I wear it, I feel like a star.

What are you grateful for?

yet more reality

I just did it again. Tried to be helpful. *Siiiigh* When will I learn?

On an IF website, I saw a thread regarding an IF clinic that I know firsthand doesn't do a good job with its patients. I know because they bungled my treatments beyond belief: I was misdiagnosed, my DH was misdiagnosed, we were put off, refused diagnostic tests, offered the incorrect treatments, put off some more, etc. We wasted a lot of time there, and so did some of my friends in real life. So I wanted to let these posters know about my experiences, so that they could make a more informed decision (not that anyone should take just my word for it - I am, after all, just another blogger crying out in the wilderness - but a variety of opinions helps, right?).

So I quoted on the IF thread - straight from this clinic's web site - these particular doctors' poor success rate with IVF (only around 30% for women in the 30-34 age bracket, which is very low), and encouraged the posters to check around. I mean, if you're going to spend $10,000+ on IVF, might as well go to the best clinic with the best stats, right?

Then I mentioned that I was at one of the best clinics in the country, where the clinical pregnancy rate for my age bracket is 68%.

Well, two posters responded by saying that they didn't believe me regarding the 68%, since they've always heard that IVF only ever has a 30% success rate.

So I replied, trying to stifle my annoyance (it's not whether or not you believe it - go check it out for yourself! - I had even linked to a few clinics so they could see for themselves). I said that the media likes to quote an overall rate of 30% success rate for IVF - to scare people away from doing IVF, to make it look as though the success rate isn't high - but that 30% takes into account the entire age range, and that skews the numbers because IVF isn't as successful in older women. The rate should be, and is, higher among younger women.

But I feel that my effort to help was for a lost cause, and I feel like I got bitch-slapped, to boot. I would never, ever b.s. anyone going through infertility treatments.

Oh well. Maybe it will help a lurker out there who isn't sure what to do.

One-hit_wonder: Purveyor of Reality-Checks

I have become the rain on the parade. The pee in the cornflakes. The pigeon poop on a lollipop.

Some women on IF web sites (specifically www.ivf.ca and www.ivfconnections.com ) are spreading absolute nonsense, and I can't help myself: I have to point out what is going on because I'm afraid of some newbie getting hurt as a result of stupidity.


1) On ivf.ca, there is a feature at the top of the screen called a Shoutbox. It's kind of an instant messaging thing for the whole community - anyone can see anything that people write. Anyway, I saw the other day that two women were having a conversation. Went something like this.

Woman #1: My second IVF just failed. I'm so sad. I can't stop crying. I don't know what I'm going to do!
Woman #2: Aw, that sucks! Just keep hoping! Things will change soon, you'll see!!!!
Woman #1: Yeah, I guess so.
Woman #2: You have to keep praying! Keep a stiff upper lip and pray every day. You'll see, God will answer your prayer!!!!!
Woman #1: So if I pray, God will send me a baby?
Woman #2: Sure! It might take a little longer, but it'll happen for you! Just keep hoping!

I couldn't shut up any longer. I never write on Shoutbox, but I did that day.

I wrote: "Woman #1, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through, and it sucks. xxx Woman #2, you really need to stay quiet. That is a terrible thing you're saying. You can't guarantee that anyone and everyone will have a baby! There are many Christians who are involuntarily childless; are you saying that their faith isn't strong enough? Are you saying that I haven't prayed enough - through seven years of TTC - to earn a baby? Please pm me if you wish to discuss this further."

She didn't, although I noticed that she checked out my profile afterward.


2) On ivfconnections.com, I saw a thread for young IVF'ers whose only issue was male factor. They were crowing that ICSI would be a 'gimme': a sure thing. Hahahahahaha. I laughed first, then felt bad that they were so woefully misinformed. So I posted, as gently as possible, about the realities of male factor (e.g., DNA fragmentation), and that ICSI was indeed not a sure thing: that it can help, but that it can't assist if the sperm isn't up to the task. The women seemed grateful for the info, though. So that was good.


3) Leading from #2, one of the young IVF'ers started a new thread in the male factor section asking for more info on DNA fragmentation. One woman answered that ICSI would be a sure thing, and that her DH's DNA-fragmented sperm achieved 80% fertilization. I sighed HEAVILY and then posted again to say that ICSI IS NOT A SURE THING and that a high level of DNA fragmentation correlates to a higher rate of miscarriage, and that her DH's high fertilization rate would likely not be the same for others.


Am I a big meanie? I just hate all the misconceptions out there about infertility treatments! All the false hope!

uh oh (re: Show & Tell)

I wish I had not posted about the soup for Show & Tell.

If I punch the soup's name into Google, my blog now shows up. It is inevitable that someone I know back home will punch in the same words at some point, and then will inadvertently come across my blog. I have enough identifiers in my posts to tip people off about who I am. And then everyone will know about my infertility treatments and my miscarriage and my rantings about annoying people in my life.

I did try removing the soup posts, but it still showed up on Google. So I put them back.

What should I do? Should I start a new blog and import my old posts to it, without the offending soup posts, and then delete the old blog? Should I comb through all my old posts and delete all identifying information?

I tried blogger's option of removing my blog from the Google search listings, but that didn't help.

I also tried inserting punctuation into the offending keywords, to scramble them so they won't show up in Google search, but they did anyway.

:(

Show & Tell soup

Due to requests, here is my recipe for that soup I mentioned on Mel's Show & Tell. Now I'm going to salivate all over myself because I can't have any until August. haha

I can't really give measurements, since it's an 'unwritten' recipe, and everybody makes it differently. So don't worry about it - mine is different than my mom's, hers is different than her mom's, etc. That's the way it goes.

(Someone asked why I can't grow the special herb myself - it's because it isn't commercially available. If I want to grow it, I have to transplant a whole plant from my parents' garden.)

Mennonite 'Summer' Soup

Ingredients:
-potatoes, peeled and diced - LOTS (YUM!)
-1:1 ratio of finely chopped onion greens and Sauerampfer (or beet leaves) - you want lots of this, much more than you think, because it all wilts to nothing when it cooks and it's what gives the soup its main flavour. When I make a big pot, I use an armful of greens. It would be expensive to buy this many onion greens in the store, so check out your local farmer or farmers' markets instead (it's better quality, anyway).
-enough pork product to make a good broth: e.g., a big hambone, farmer sausage, or canned ham with the broth. Hambone with meat still attached is the best, but DH prefers chopped-up Mennonite sausage. Whatever.
-buttermilk (my mom does only a cup or two, but I use more)
-salt, to taste
-a bit of fresh dill (optional - not everyone uses this, but the taste is very nice)

Directions:
1) Fill a soup pot with water, and add the pork products. Let this simmer for a few hours. (The taste doesn't have to be strong, since the greens and the buttermilk add the rest of the flavour.) If you use a hambone, take it out at the end and let it cool so you can shred the meat to return to the pot.
2) Add potatoes and greens - cook for 15-20 minutes, until the potatoes are done. Don't boil the soup past this point, otherwise the potatoes will turn to mush. The greens should be wilted and dark.
3) Add a cup or two of buttermilk. I know it sounds weird, but don't omit this ingredient.
4) Simmer for a while, maybe half an hour or more, but be careful not to let it boil.
5) Add salt to taste, and dill if you want.

When I was a child, we ate this with fresh buns and butter, and raw milk to drink. Yum...

show & tell

Mel's current Show & Tell entry led me to think of SOUP.

I adore soup. It's delicious, easy to make, healthy, and cheap.

I usually eat homemade soup for lunch: broc and cheddar, lentil and veggie, chicken and rice, corn chowder, etc. Also my ethnic Mennonite soups, such as cabbage borscht, green bean soup, and butter soup.

My all-time favourite is a Mennonite soup called, in English, 'summer soup.' It is a ham/sausage-based broth with potato chunks, ham, loads of chopped onion greens (and sometimes dill), buttermilk, and a herb called Zeerump (I'm spelling it phonetically - I don't know if there is an English word).

There's nothing like it. It looks gross (it's green) but tastes sooooooooooo good. I make my non-Mennonite friends try at least a spoonful, and they always ask for a bowl!

Alas, I can't have any of this soup unless I fly 2000 kilometres to my parents' farm, because the Zeerump herb is not commercially available, so I have to get it from their garden. Now I'm sad! lol!



(This is Zeerump - found a pic online. I see this particular plant is ready to be chopped down - wish I could do it!)

oops baby (obviously not mine)

I just phoned a dear friend (who, incidentally, says she's never having kids), and had to get off the phone. Her relatively newly-married brother- and sister-in-law found out that they're expecting, and they're upset about it, so my friend was laughing to me about that. And saying that it (i.e., bcp failure) happens to everybody she knows.

Needless to say, I don't think that's funny at all. :( Especially it has no chance of happening to me. And also because I'm on bcp right now, and will soon be in chemically-induced menopause ... all for the sake of achieving the miracle that her in-laws are angry and surprised about!

Unwanted OOPS babies - the most unfair thing in the history of the world!

I am quite sure that my friend means it when she says she's remaining childless (i.e., I don't think it's an infertility cover-up), but I knoooooooooooow her bcp will fail one day. I can feel it in my bones.

____________

To change the subject on myself: what should I present this week for Show & Tell? I have no idea. I'd like to show the art project I'm doing - a series of ironic photographs re: my IVF - but I'm wary about posting my face online. Hmmmm...

thanks

I would like to say thank you to every person who reads this blog.

I'm so humbly grateful that you carry me when I feel so weak, that you cheer my small victories, that you look with anticipation to my future.

Sorry - I'm mushy! Can't help it - that's the way I am, take it or leave it! lol

xxx

one-hit_wonder

my misinformed dh

I told DH about my fear re: all the embies arresting. Poor soul, he was under the impression that if that happened we'd get our money back. hahahahaha

I am pretty sure that I'm going to push for a three-day transfer instead of attempting the blast stage. With this much on the line, and with the super-cautious protocol we're using (meaning that I'm expecting fewer eggs), I can't risk anything otherwise.

I have concluded that there is nothing to do but dance and laugh.

(We'll see how long this lasts!)

yet another reason to hate FB (as if i needed another!)

Plus there's nothing like self-flagellation to make me feel better.

My cousin who got pregnant almost exactly when I did - and who has similar bone structure as me, to boot - posted weekly belly shots on her FB, and I was dumb enough to notice them. So now I know exactly how I'd look at this very moment if I hadn't had a miscarriage.

Her face looked dreadful. At least I would've worn makeup. *Snark snark*

So I'm going to be off of FB again, until I become less of a fool and learn what I can and can't handle on there. I keep doing the same thing, yet expect different results every time. As my DH remarks to me, "For a smart person, you can be really dumb." Hardy har. lol

I also know that if I'm ever, ever, ever lucky enough to get pregnant, I will not post pictures like that on my FB. I'm making a list, actually, of things I won't do, and I'd post it here, only I'm afraid of jinxing myself.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

Nothing much today. Lower abdomen is crampy. Blame it on the bcp, of course.

And the tires are shot on DH's truck. Of course. ($800 later...) I did not want him to drive that thing to work. I wanted him to take the train every day - it's clean, cheaper, more reliable, and less of a headache - but he refused. So now we have to spend almost $1000 on friggin tires.

We are taking out a $15-20000 loan to finance the IVF and our other monetary dilemmas. It really, really sucks. At least with the income tax refund and my final scholarship cheque (if we live cheaply), we'll be able to pay $8-9000 back by June. But that leaves a big chunk to pay back, and if it's a BFN, that will be the bitterest pill ever, to face those payments every month.

We were going to take the money out of savings - the cash left over from selling our house - but we just realized that we can't. We must have it in the account for our next down payment on a house. Where we're planning to live, renting is difficult (long and boring story), so we need to keep that cash on hand.

Yep, that's the way it all is. One day at a time; that's all I can do.

what CAN'T I blame on bcp?

Writer's block: both blog and thesis. Blah. Can I blame it on the bcp?

Anyway, I am applying for teaching positions for the 2009-2010 school year. It's going to cost me $100 per divisional application (must pay for criminal record checks, child abuse registry, university transcripts, etc). *Groan* Plus somehow I have to obtain copies of my teaching evaluations, which are in storage back home.

And I just realized that I do not know how I'll do the interviews. My preferred division will interview me via phone (I've done this before with them), but my second and third choices will likely require me to be there in person. There goes another $500 - $1000 for airfare.

I really have to learn the take-one-day-at-a-time rule.

ivf schedule

I got my schedule from the nurse.

April 6: cyst aspiration, endometrial biopsy, and cycle review ($11,500 due)
April 7: start Lupron
April 10: last bcp
April 17: pre-stimulation assessment (b/w and u/s); start Puregon 125 units
April 20: b/w and u/s
April 22: b/w and u/s
April 24: b/w and u/s
April 26: b/w and u/s

Etc., etc. Ovidrel 36 hours prior to ER; b/w the next day. Antibiotic before ER.

April 28: estimated ER (start Prometrium 3x/day and Estrace 2x/day)
May 3: estimated ET

NOTES:
-I'm nervous about a 5-day transfer - what if they all arrest? - but we'll discuss that further
-The endo biopsy is new and is indeed done to help aid implantation
-I didn't take an antibiotic last time
-I was not on so much progesterone last time, and there was no Estrace

less money, more problems.

And now I just got a letter from my university, saying that the finance department made an error on my winter fee assessment, and I owe $500, due immediately. WTF? Why is this all happening at once?

money woes

Apparently I have to get the cyst aspirated, since it's so big that relying on bcp to shrink it would put me 2 to 3 months behind schedule. And that would conflict with my job. So there goes another $500 on the MasterCard.

mothering as an academic topic

I'm reading one of my favourite writers, Di Brandt, whom I adore ad nauseum, but I've just come across something she's written that really bugs me. She talks a lot about mothering as something that sets women apart - that makes us special - but I am unable, so far, to give birth, so where does that leave me? I understand her point of view, but it excludes the many 'barren' women out there, and we infertiles already are acutely aware that we don't belong in 'the club.' By extension, her argument leads to the conclusion that you're not a woman unless you're a mother - and I don't care how that arguments gets rescued by saying that we're all a part of mothering by our default position as daughters, or that we can create metaphorically (as in artistic endeavours) instead of literally - and that's an old, old, old argument. Yuck. I cringe at the fact that I'm critiquing this amazing writer who has inspired much of my own work, but this really needs to be said.