Explanation

Sorry, didn't explain my last post properly.

My father-in-law passed away last week. It's such a hard time for my poor dh.

I think the father thing is really getting to him now; as a cyster mentioned on SoulCysters, he probably wants the kind of relationship with his children that he had with his own father, who was a wonderful man. Aw, my poor dh.

TTC update

TTC update: My genetic counsellor just called to confirm that that the recessive gene for that 'Mennonite disease' I told you all about last month does not run in my dh's family. I kinda knew this, but this was official confirmation, which is good news. She can't find my dad's medical info at Health Sciences in Winnipeg, but I don't think that that matters now.

So I don't have to go in for genetic testing if I don't want to; hopefully this means that we can speed up the process so that I can have my first injectable/IUI cycle in 4 weeks. Now I'm just waiting for Feb 28: that's when I will have my pelvic exam and other testing, dh will have his s/a, and then hopefully we'll make the plan for my inj/IUI cycle. (In the meantime, I have to get the CD3 bloodwork done, as well as the GTT.) I wonder if I will be able to start a medicated cycle in March?

In the meantime, 2 weeks away in February should get me mentally prepared for all this, I hope!

So weird about my dh...he has never said to me how he feels about the whole TTC schmozzle. In all the 5-6 years of trying to get pg, he has never expressed his opinion on the matter. The day after his dad's funeral last Saturday, we were driving his mom somewhere, and we were talking about our great-nephew (he's 3 and so amazing and adorable) and how his parents (our niece and her husband) don't really appreciate him. We were talking, too, about how another nephew (also 3 and wonderful) clung to me all week; he wouldn't even go play with his cousins. Dh suddenly burst out: It's not fair, Mom. And then the 3 of us were quiet for a bit.

Also on the weekend, dh had his cousin's fussy baby asleep in his arms, and he was all concerned that the baby wasn't overheated and that his neck was being held at a proper angle. I am praying desperately that I can give him his own child to fuss over. He'll be a kick-ass dad.

Letter to my ovaries

On SC today, a few of us wrote letters to our ovaries. We are using reverse psychology on them in order to make them spit out a few measly eggs.

Here is mine:

To my dear, cherished ovaries:

After a great deal of self-reflection, I have decided that having a baby is not for me. That's the honest truth. So keep your eggs for whatever sinister purpose you have had for them all these years. Fry them up with bacon, if that's what you want. TTC is over and done. No more bd'ing - it's just SEX from now on.

Sincerely,

XX

P.S. I took Provera for 10 days this cycle, so you don't even stand a chance!


However, I was soundly outdone by one of my buddies, who left us all howling!:


Dear Ovaries:

We regret to inform you that your role as organs relating to the conception of a child is hereby terminated. It is our understanding that you have been censured regarding this matter three times without effect; see attached transcripts of "Crying jag" - December 15, 2007, "Angry Tirade" - December 16, 2007, "Hopeless Yowling Session" - December 17, 2007.

As you have failed to modify your performance after three formal warnings we are terminating our relationship with you.

Please be advised, that effective immediately you are no longer authorized to monopolize our thinking and, life decisions, &/or budgeting concerning any matters pertaining to conception.

Yours truly,

XX

So I can still blame all this crap on bad genes, right?

Dh's stillborn niece did not have 'The Mennonite Disease,' although the doctors were convinced that that was the problem. I was so relieved to hear that. Strange, the macabre things that make TTC'ers relieved.

So we have to wait for my dad's results from the genetic testing that was done when my cousin, who did have 'The Mennonite Disease,' was stillborn. He doesn't know if he's a carrier because he never got the results. I'm less worried now, though, since dh is in the clear, so that lessens our chances. I was becoming paranoid that dh and I were the unlucky receipients of the crappy genetics jackpot.

This 'Menno Disaster' is actually called Hypophosphatasia; it has many forms, but it seems to involve uncalcified bones. Babies in utero who have it are always stillborn. 1 out of 25 Manitoba Mennonites has the recessive gene, and 1 out of 2,500 births involves a baby with this dreadful syndrome.

Interestingly, as I was perusing scientific research about this, I happened across a medical study out of The University of Manitoba which examined the unusually high prevalence of diabetes and other such metabolic disorders in the Manitoba Mennonites. PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is so near and dear to my own heart) wasn't named, but that would definitely be included in this framework. So I can still blame all this crap on bad genes, rights?

As for other headlines from the frontline, I just finished my last Provera pill, so I'm expecting af on Tuesday. That means that I can do my CD3 baselines on Thursday. That's the first time for this procedure. My last RE was not nearly this careful. Suffice it to say that he was not the most thorough doctor in the history of reproductive endocrinology.

I wish I had all these 'misconceptions' - I wrote this for the SoulCysters TTC board

I wish I had all these 'misconceptions'

I wish...

...I thought that I ovulate twice per cycle.

...I thought something was wrong with me during the 4 days in a cycle when my cervical mucous becomes copious

....I believed that ovulation pain is just a pulled muscle

....I truly believed that dh could "just look at me" and I'd get pregnant.

...I thought that cough syrup was just that: for coughs.

...I could cringe at the sight of a needle.

...I could complain about morning sickness.

...I could feel sad that my favourite Gaultier doesn't fit over my belly.

...I could get impatient with my children for being so demanding.

...I knew what it was like to think "Just relax and it'll happen" to a crying friend.

...I could take life for granted.

Now that I look back at this list, which began as sarcasm and ends as something else, I know that this journey has been the best thing for me. As hard as it is to admit this, a fruitless attempt to conceive has made me a stronger and more sensitive person.

I still wish I didn't know so much about being involuntarily childless, but I'd never give it all back.

Finally, finally, finally, with kudos to the amazing (not) Canadian medical health system...

I got my first RE appointment last Friday! I waited for six months for this.

I spent most of the afternoon there. I was on CD39, with no o in sight.

Of course, af arrived in the middle of today's pap smear. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, they said that I won't be able to start a medicated cycle for at least two months. I just about started bawling in the office when I heard that. But they're doing much more comprehensive testing than my last RE did, including genetic testing for cystic fibrosis and for a deadly syndrome that is prevalent among the Manitoba Mennonite population (since both sides of our family carry the genes). They're also running much more extensive bloodwork than I've ever had. And they are going to do the 2 hour GTT, which amazed me because all of my doctors in Manitoba refused to order that test for me.So I figure that if the reason for the delay is that they're being extra-careful, then that's a good thing and I can be patient for a little while longer.

Their preliminary thoughts are that there's a subtle disruption in hormones and other such bodily chemicals that is affecting my fertility, and that my previous doctor missed it. But they were very impressed with how I've been managing the PCOS so far, though, which made me feel good! It's been hard work, but it is worth it!

I've been switched from Metformin to Glumetza. Met doesn't seem to do anything for me, and I've been on it for 18 months, so they want to see if the Glumetza is more effective. And they prescribed a prenatal vitamin with a higher dose of folic acid. Apparently in Canada the recommendation for daily folic acid for pg and ttc women has gone from 1 mg to 5 mg!

Next step is injectables and IUI. So we're looking at February, possibly, for that.

I did like the new RE (and her assistant, who is also a resident infertility specialist, actually). They seemed so thorough, they encouraged my questions, and they liked it that I was researching so many infertility issues on my own.

I felt bad for dh being in the room during the RE appointment. I mean, it was unavoidable, but still. He was there for the pap smear and the 30,000 questions. Looked like he was almost in tears. He whispered to me when the doc left for a moment, "I can't believe you have to go through all this. I'm sorry." And when we both had our bloodwork done, he turned white as he watched the nurse take 8 vials of blood. He'd never, ever had blood drawn before! Isn't that crazy!? So the nurse got 4 vials off of him, that little whiny weenie! I love him! LOL

I'm baaaaaack!!

With hugs and kisses! Mwah!

I just got a message from someone who asked if I was coming back. Yay, I felt wanted! lol Thanks for that. I get lazy about posting on here because I can never remember my password!

If you want to know what I was up to in the meantime, check out the SoulCysters web site, where I write about my baby-making dilemmas with no shortage of detail. SC is a web site for women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is a metabolic disorder. My username is one-hit_wonder. Most often, I frequent the Turtlepokers thread on the Trying to Conceive board. We are a bunch of zany dames.

floaty

For whatever reason, I was standing in the bathroom just now, about to turn the light off, and I realized how precious and amazing life is. I'm so happy to be alive, I'm so happy with my partner, and I hope that I get to share all of the joy of life with my own children one day.

news

On a somewhat positive note, I got my first communication from my new infertility clinic. Had to fill out yet another clinical form about premature ejaculation (his, not mine! ha ha!), hirsutism, how often I have sex, and other things that I don't want to tell strangers about. Faxed that in 3 days ago, so now I'm waiting for the phone call to get the first appointment. I am hoping so bad that I can get an appointment before Christmas.

Oh, and if you're keeping track of how many family pregnancies I find out about through Facebook, you can add one more: another cousin posted the news about her brother's expected baby.

So, in the spirit of Facebook, I'd like to post the following info on my personal feed:

"____ is not expecting quadruplets, or even triplets, anytime soon. Just in case anyone wants to know. And please don't tell me and dh that we have to actually have sex to get knocked up: we do the deed way more often than you do, you pathetic once-a-weekers! So there! Nah nah nah nah!"

another cycle

I did ovulate, apparently, and went through an extra-long luteal phase. Finally got af on cd16. That's extraordinarily late for me, so I said to dh that maybe I had a chemical pregnancy, but who knows? I don't.

I saw the following devotional on the SoulCysters web site, and thought I should share it. I'm struggling so bad right now to keep my faith in God - I feel on the verge of giving up, and I have no one to talk to about it - so I took some comfort in these words:

DISCERNMENT OF FAITH

Faith as a grain of mustard seed...Matthew 17:20
http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=mt+17:20&sr=1

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, it may be so in the initial stages; but we do not earn anything by faith, faithbrings us into right relationship with God and gives God Hisopportunity. God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, nota life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings. Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience that had as much of sense as of faith in it, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order toteach you to walk by faith. You are worth far more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.

Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. Never confound the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result ofbeing alive. Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible.

Don't know what to make of this...

I think I o'd on Sunday. Huh?

It's weird, because I didn't really feel the o, and I always do. I was crampy, and I felt both ovaries kicking around just a tiny bit, but that's it (I never, ever feel the right ovary because it's anovulatory). Plus I only had the one day of ewcm, and I always have 5 days.

But now I have post-o symptoms, such as creamy cm, low cervix, zits, and sore nips.

I wonder if I did actually o or if this was an anovulatory cycle, period (ha! no pun intended!). I don't temp anymore, so I don't know for sure. Grrrr. Maybe I could just take my temp for the next few days just to see if it's high?

The good thing is that I still have a script for Provera, so I have at least SOME control over this. If I get sick of waiting, down the hatch those pills will go.

in case you're wondering...

i'm allowed to make fun of mennonites because i am one. :)

ovaries are bustin' a move. and then dying on the dancefloor...

Let's exchange metaphors, shall we?

In my previous post, I compared my ttc struggles to an Olympic event. Now, let's consider disco, instead. I haven't o'd yet in my cycle! Seriously, since cd 13, I can feel my one working ovary try to bust a move on the dance floor (cramps, ewcm), and then it gives up (cramps go away and ewcm dries up). And remains a little wallflower with a wilted corsage.

I can also, for the first time, feel the right ovary budging, which is weird because it's anovulatory. It must be a Mennonite ovary because it sure doesn't know how to dance.

It's so disheartening after having SIX normal cycles in a row for the FIRST time in my life. But I guess maybe it's a good sign that I feel the stirring of life in the right 'faulty' one, right?

Disco fever, yeah baby, I got it bad.

The coundown to the October 2007 Ovulation Olympics has begun... (*cue the music*)

It's been 6 months of normal cycles for me - 27-30 days in length. How amazing. I'm truly grateful for that. It's been the first time in my life that I can gauge with accuracy my ovulation and af dates. Ever. Oh, what 'regular' (ha) women take for granted. It seems like science fiction that most women can pinpoint all of that on a calendar (in a postmodern world, I may simply choose to disbelieve it, and no one can tell me otherwise! lol!) when it's a game of Snakes 'n' Ladders to me.

This cycle is the first one that's off again. Back to 'normal' for me (ha). I'm sitting on cd 14.

With no o in sight, I said to my dh (as he drove me to class) that my body sure gets affected by stress. I've noticed that if I get super-stressed out during the first week of a new cycle, o and af are inevitably delayed by at least a week, and sometimes more. I've been trying really hard to avoid stress, even if it makes my life wacky.

But at the beginning of the current cycle, I located on-line my long-lost brother and his common-law wife. More specifically, his common-law wife. We had heated words back and forth, and I spent one night without sleep over it, banging away at the keyboard and frothing with anger from every bodily hole (ha ha, that sounds gross, but I was really so mad!).

And now here I am, waiting again.

On a positive note, though, I just got the first ewcm of the season. lol! So, if I AVOID ALL UNPLEASANTNESS and only think of FLUFFY, PINK-TINGED, LOLLI-POP-type things, I should o on Sunday.

Good reason to skip church? lol!

Oprah featured infertility stories today.

Okay, I never watch TV anymore, and I definitely don't watch Oprah. She often has good topics, but I find her a bit on the irritating side.

However, I happened to turn it on today, just as the show was starting: Lisa Ling Investigates: Wombs for Rent.

The first half of the show focussed on a couple's journey to India to find a surrogate mother, and they emphasized how the lives of the surrogates are changed as a result. Second half is about Martha Stewart's daughter's infertility treatments; another IVF couple was featured briefly.

As touched as I was by the first segment, I still have deep concerns about the commodification of babies. Essentially, it's as though the Western world is beginning to outsource baby-making. I'm glad that infertile Western couples' money has such a positive effect in the lives of impoverished Indian women; however, I ache for those women because they have to make such a private part of themselves so very public, for money. It is a different way of selling your body.

I do not intend this in any way as a judgement against the Indian women we saw in the show: I admire them, actually, for going to such drastic lengths for the well-being of their families. However, I still wonder about the ethics of the whole thing. Is it okay to use those women in that way, even if they say that they are willing participants, because most of us have more money than they do?

I don't have a firm opinion, one way or the other. (I mean, now I'm even considering doing the same thing. Would I go that far? I don't know! Maybe.) These were just the thoughts that were running through my head as I watched the show.

I hate my pop-up blocker right now!

I've been forever trying to add a new page element so that I can link up to other blogs, but my stupid pop-up blocker won't allow it, even though I have it turned off.

Anyway, check out my buddy's blog: http://becausebrittsaysso.blogspot.com/. She talks about her infertility journey, as well, and she's a great lady.:)

No word yet on the referral

Ugh. Wondering how long it's going to take to get my referral to a new infertility doctor. Apparently, of 4 docs, one has quit and another is on mat leave (figures!). Will I get an appointment before I die? Stay tuned . . .

Top 10 List of Comments IF Couples Hate to Hear

I saw this on a message board; if anyone knows the source, please let me know and I'd be happy to list the credit.

Top 10 List of Comments IF Couples Hate to Hear

10. "Guess who's pregnant--again!"
9. "It will happen when you're ready."
8. "So-and-so prayed, and they got pregnant right away."
7. "You're being too sensitive." Or, "Maybe you're not meant to have children." Or, "Just accept it and go on." Or, "Stop crying." Or, "We all have problems."
6. "Do you want me to give you a few pointers?" (ha, ha!) "Are you sure you know how babies are made?"
5. "I get pregnant so easily! My husband just looks at me and a baby is on the way."
4. "You're lucky you don't have kids." (Or, "Why do you want them, anyway?" Or, "I'll gladly give you a couple of mine." Or, "You don't know how nice you have it--your house never gets dirty.")
3. "You're not getting any younger." (Or, "When are you going to have kids, anyway?" Or, "Are you really so selfish that you don't want any children?")
2. "Adopt! You'll get pregnant for sure."
1. "Just relax! You're trying too hard." (Or, "Take a cruise or go on vacation.")

deferred dreams

I can't work hard enough or spend enough money to get what I want: a baby.

I can work my way (or spend my way) to anything else. But the most special thing seems to be unattainable for us. I mean, I get anything else I want in my professional life. Anything I'm interested in seems to happen for me if I work hard enough for it (and I mean things that I NEVER thought I'd get, like travel, huge scholarships, and fantastic work opportunities). I'm even applying for a Fulbright scholarship. I mean, why not?

But no baby is coming, so far, despite my massive efforts (and $) to the contrary. I think that this aspect of infertility really bothers American women (as well as Canadian women, like me) in a certain way because of the historical idea of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. The American dream and all that. That you and you alone are in charge of your path. Infertility really mixes up that idea.

Sorry to get all philosophical. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

doubting god's decision-making

I would be a great mother. I already 'mother' people in my life; e.g., my little niece and nephews, the children I teach, my husband (I'm sad to say! lol), and others.

I accept responsibility for my actions. I make wise choices for my life. I care. I have a good sense of humour. I work hard. I'm a passionate learner. I appreciate beauty. I am spiritual, and I'm in tune with my own spirit. I am able to teach others without being overt; I teach by asking questions and encouraging metacognition. I lead by being a shepherd, and this is not an easy task - it means being willing to allow those in your charge to make their own mistakes. I'm not afraid of criticism. When I'm wrong, I say so. I am willing to change my mind when I'm convinced about something. I am smart. I am wildly creative.

So when God sends children to people who don't even want them, I am left questioning why he is not using my experiences and skills? I feel that he is wasting my talents.

You may reply by saying that he is using these abilities in other, less obvious, ways. Perhaps. But I could still have my abilities used in those subtle ways and still mother children directly, too. It's not an 'either-or' proposition.