floaty

For whatever reason, I was standing in the bathroom just now, about to turn the light off, and I realized how precious and amazing life is. I'm so happy to be alive, I'm so happy with my partner, and I hope that I get to share all of the joy of life with my own children one day.

news

On a somewhat positive note, I got my first communication from my new infertility clinic. Had to fill out yet another clinical form about premature ejaculation (his, not mine! ha ha!), hirsutism, how often I have sex, and other things that I don't want to tell strangers about. Faxed that in 3 days ago, so now I'm waiting for the phone call to get the first appointment. I am hoping so bad that I can get an appointment before Christmas.

Oh, and if you're keeping track of how many family pregnancies I find out about through Facebook, you can add one more: another cousin posted the news about her brother's expected baby.

So, in the spirit of Facebook, I'd like to post the following info on my personal feed:

"____ is not expecting quadruplets, or even triplets, anytime soon. Just in case anyone wants to know. And please don't tell me and dh that we have to actually have sex to get knocked up: we do the deed way more often than you do, you pathetic once-a-weekers! So there! Nah nah nah nah!"

another cycle

I did ovulate, apparently, and went through an extra-long luteal phase. Finally got af on cd16. That's extraordinarily late for me, so I said to dh that maybe I had a chemical pregnancy, but who knows? I don't.

I saw the following devotional on the SoulCysters web site, and thought I should share it. I'm struggling so bad right now to keep my faith in God - I feel on the verge of giving up, and I have no one to talk to about it - so I took some comfort in these words:

DISCERNMENT OF FAITH

Faith as a grain of mustard seed...Matthew 17:20
http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=mt+17:20&sr=1

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, it may be so in the initial stages; but we do not earn anything by faith, faithbrings us into right relationship with God and gives God Hisopportunity. God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, nota life of sentimental enjoyment of His blessings. Your earlier life of faith was narrow and intense, settled around a little sun-spot of experience that had as much of sense as of faith in it, full of light and sweetness; then God withdrew His conscious blessings in order toteach you to walk by faith. You are worth far more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight and thrilling testimony.

Faith by its very nature must be tried, and the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character has to be cleared in our own minds. Faith in its actual working out has to go through spells of unsyllabled isolation. Never confound the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, much that we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result ofbeing alive. Faith in the Bible is faith in God against everything that contradicts Him - I will remain true to God's character whatever He may do. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - this is the most sublime utterance of faith in the whole of the Bible.

Don't know what to make of this...

I think I o'd on Sunday. Huh?

It's weird, because I didn't really feel the o, and I always do. I was crampy, and I felt both ovaries kicking around just a tiny bit, but that's it (I never, ever feel the right ovary because it's anovulatory). Plus I only had the one day of ewcm, and I always have 5 days.

But now I have post-o symptoms, such as creamy cm, low cervix, zits, and sore nips.

I wonder if I did actually o or if this was an anovulatory cycle, period (ha! no pun intended!). I don't temp anymore, so I don't know for sure. Grrrr. Maybe I could just take my temp for the next few days just to see if it's high?

The good thing is that I still have a script for Provera, so I have at least SOME control over this. If I get sick of waiting, down the hatch those pills will go.

in case you're wondering...

i'm allowed to make fun of mennonites because i am one. :)

ovaries are bustin' a move. and then dying on the dancefloor...

Let's exchange metaphors, shall we?

In my previous post, I compared my ttc struggles to an Olympic event. Now, let's consider disco, instead. I haven't o'd yet in my cycle! Seriously, since cd 13, I can feel my one working ovary try to bust a move on the dance floor (cramps, ewcm), and then it gives up (cramps go away and ewcm dries up). And remains a little wallflower with a wilted corsage.

I can also, for the first time, feel the right ovary budging, which is weird because it's anovulatory. It must be a Mennonite ovary because it sure doesn't know how to dance.

It's so disheartening after having SIX normal cycles in a row for the FIRST time in my life. But I guess maybe it's a good sign that I feel the stirring of life in the right 'faulty' one, right?

Disco fever, yeah baby, I got it bad.

The coundown to the October 2007 Ovulation Olympics has begun... (*cue the music*)

It's been 6 months of normal cycles for me - 27-30 days in length. How amazing. I'm truly grateful for that. It's been the first time in my life that I can gauge with accuracy my ovulation and af dates. Ever. Oh, what 'regular' (ha) women take for granted. It seems like science fiction that most women can pinpoint all of that on a calendar (in a postmodern world, I may simply choose to disbelieve it, and no one can tell me otherwise! lol!) when it's a game of Snakes 'n' Ladders to me.

This cycle is the first one that's off again. Back to 'normal' for me (ha). I'm sitting on cd 14.

With no o in sight, I said to my dh (as he drove me to class) that my body sure gets affected by stress. I've noticed that if I get super-stressed out during the first week of a new cycle, o and af are inevitably delayed by at least a week, and sometimes more. I've been trying really hard to avoid stress, even if it makes my life wacky.

But at the beginning of the current cycle, I located on-line my long-lost brother and his common-law wife. More specifically, his common-law wife. We had heated words back and forth, and I spent one night without sleep over it, banging away at the keyboard and frothing with anger from every bodily hole (ha ha, that sounds gross, but I was really so mad!).

And now here I am, waiting again.

On a positive note, though, I just got the first ewcm of the season. lol! So, if I AVOID ALL UNPLEASANTNESS and only think of FLUFFY, PINK-TINGED, LOLLI-POP-type things, I should o on Sunday.

Good reason to skip church? lol!

Oprah featured infertility stories today.

Okay, I never watch TV anymore, and I definitely don't watch Oprah. She often has good topics, but I find her a bit on the irritating side.

However, I happened to turn it on today, just as the show was starting: Lisa Ling Investigates: Wombs for Rent.

The first half of the show focussed on a couple's journey to India to find a surrogate mother, and they emphasized how the lives of the surrogates are changed as a result. Second half is about Martha Stewart's daughter's infertility treatments; another IVF couple was featured briefly.

As touched as I was by the first segment, I still have deep concerns about the commodification of babies. Essentially, it's as though the Western world is beginning to outsource baby-making. I'm glad that infertile Western couples' money has such a positive effect in the lives of impoverished Indian women; however, I ache for those women because they have to make such a private part of themselves so very public, for money. It is a different way of selling your body.

I do not intend this in any way as a judgement against the Indian women we saw in the show: I admire them, actually, for going to such drastic lengths for the well-being of their families. However, I still wonder about the ethics of the whole thing. Is it okay to use those women in that way, even if they say that they are willing participants, because most of us have more money than they do?

I don't have a firm opinion, one way or the other. (I mean, now I'm even considering doing the same thing. Would I go that far? I don't know! Maybe.) These were just the thoughts that were running through my head as I watched the show.

I hate my pop-up blocker right now!

I've been forever trying to add a new page element so that I can link up to other blogs, but my stupid pop-up blocker won't allow it, even though I have it turned off.

Anyway, check out my buddy's blog: http://becausebrittsaysso.blogspot.com/. She talks about her infertility journey, as well, and she's a great lady.:)

No word yet on the referral

Ugh. Wondering how long it's going to take to get my referral to a new infertility doctor. Apparently, of 4 docs, one has quit and another is on mat leave (figures!). Will I get an appointment before I die? Stay tuned . . .

Top 10 List of Comments IF Couples Hate to Hear

I saw this on a message board; if anyone knows the source, please let me know and I'd be happy to list the credit.

Top 10 List of Comments IF Couples Hate to Hear

10. "Guess who's pregnant--again!"
9. "It will happen when you're ready."
8. "So-and-so prayed, and they got pregnant right away."
7. "You're being too sensitive." Or, "Maybe you're not meant to have children." Or, "Just accept it and go on." Or, "Stop crying." Or, "We all have problems."
6. "Do you want me to give you a few pointers?" (ha, ha!) "Are you sure you know how babies are made?"
5. "I get pregnant so easily! My husband just looks at me and a baby is on the way."
4. "You're lucky you don't have kids." (Or, "Why do you want them, anyway?" Or, "I'll gladly give you a couple of mine." Or, "You don't know how nice you have it--your house never gets dirty.")
3. "You're not getting any younger." (Or, "When are you going to have kids, anyway?" Or, "Are you really so selfish that you don't want any children?")
2. "Adopt! You'll get pregnant for sure."
1. "Just relax! You're trying too hard." (Or, "Take a cruise or go on vacation.")

deferred dreams

I can't work hard enough or spend enough money to get what I want: a baby.

I can work my way (or spend my way) to anything else. But the most special thing seems to be unattainable for us. I mean, I get anything else I want in my professional life. Anything I'm interested in seems to happen for me if I work hard enough for it (and I mean things that I NEVER thought I'd get, like travel, huge scholarships, and fantastic work opportunities). I'm even applying for a Fulbright scholarship. I mean, why not?

But no baby is coming, so far, despite my massive efforts (and $) to the contrary. I think that this aspect of infertility really bothers American women (as well as Canadian women, like me) in a certain way because of the historical idea of pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. The American dream and all that. That you and you alone are in charge of your path. Infertility really mixes up that idea.

Sorry to get all philosophical. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

doubting god's decision-making

I would be a great mother. I already 'mother' people in my life; e.g., my little niece and nephews, the children I teach, my husband (I'm sad to say! lol), and others.

I accept responsibility for my actions. I make wise choices for my life. I care. I have a good sense of humour. I work hard. I'm a passionate learner. I appreciate beauty. I am spiritual, and I'm in tune with my own spirit. I am able to teach others without being overt; I teach by asking questions and encouraging metacognition. I lead by being a shepherd, and this is not an easy task - it means being willing to allow those in your charge to make their own mistakes. I'm not afraid of criticism. When I'm wrong, I say so. I am willing to change my mind when I'm convinced about something. I am smart. I am wildly creative.

So when God sends children to people who don't even want them, I am left questioning why he is not using my experiences and skills? I feel that he is wasting my talents.

You may reply by saying that he is using these abilities in other, less obvious, ways. Perhaps. But I could still have my abilities used in those subtle ways and still mother children directly, too. It's not an 'either-or' proposition.

here we go again...

I got af today, so there's the same old answer.

I want to pray that God will take my desire away, if I'm not allowed to have kids, so that this pain will abate.

I don't know what else to say.

cruel and unnatural punishment

I'm 10 dpo today, and started spotting.

The eternal optimist in me says "implantation spotting!," but the pessismist in me (which rules about all things ttc) says, "AF IS ON HER MERRY WAY!!! Mwah ha ha ha!"

Other than that, bbs hurt like crazy, as always before af.

Isn't it so cruel that the symptoms of early pregnancy are the same as impending af? It's cruel and unnatural punishment, I tell ya.

I'm confused...

I failed to mention that the FIRST niece I was talking about earlier is, indeed, pregnant. And got huffy with me for 'exposing' her secret. Get this: She posted her news on Facebook! My dh phoned our sister-in-law to ask about it, and she didn't know! No one knew except for the grandparents! So everybody found out through me. And I keep trying to congratulate her, and I keep getting snippy messages in return.

The niece I mentioned in my last post is a different one. ALSO found out about it yesterday on FACEBOOK. Although it wasn't her fault - her sister-in-law (yet another of my nieces) posted the news on her own page.

Yes, where is the justice, I ask you? And why is Facebook now the podium from which all this personal information must be shared?

Panic at the baby-making disco

Today I had my first anxiety attack about this ttc business.

I was supposed to be at a public forum where I was to meet potential advisors, make connections, etc. Very important for my career.

And I almost couldn't go because I started feeling light-headed, feeling my heart race, etc. And I was feeling too depressed to get off my chair and go to the meeting.

I went to the bathroom to calm down, and when I looked in the mirror, there were wrinkles under my eyes. I could hardly believe it - I'm 29, but I look 20. Until today. Ha.

I'm starting to get scared about this.

blah

I just found out today that another niece is having a baby. This will be my FOURTH great-niece or -nephew. I am happy that I'll have a new baby to play with, and pi$$ed off as heck that I can't be pregnant, too. Hey, at least I got a referral to my new RE, although who knows when the first appointment will be. So when my niece is getting her first ultrasound, maybe I'll be getting my first ultrasound to see if I even OVULATED yet on whatever horrible drug I'll get put on.

I feel guilty for being so angry when I should be just happy for my niece, who deserves it. But I am really angry and bitter and jealous. I'm sitting here crying, and I said to my husband that I don't think I can go to the family gathering for Christmas: too many pregnant women and babies. He commented that we'll never go home for anything again, then, if that was how I felt about it. So I can't talk to him about this right now. Usually he tries not to say things like that.

And I have no close friends to confide to in person. I have one good friend who is going through the same thing, but she lives far away, and I don't want to obsess to her too much because I don't know if she feels better or worse after our infertility conversations. I'd hate to make her feel worse.

I did ovulate on Thursday (possibly Wednesday). I didn't make a big deal of it, and I didn't tell dh until it was over. I want to say at this point, defiantly, that it's because nothing will happen, anyway. But then I think, "Oh, but what if you just spoke that into existence, and if you hadn't said it, you would've found yourself pregant at the end of the 2-week wait." So then I feel screwed either way. I don't want to hope too much, but I can't not hope.

So, so sick to death of all this.

Someone asked me about my post on adoption. They were very insightful comments, and I think you pegged me down exactly.

Yes, adoption. A worthwhile and holy enterprise, without a doubt. Joseph adopted Jesus, even at the expense of his reputation. In turn, God says he has adopted all of us into his family. What could be better than that? As I said previously, I see adoption and personal childbearing as two separate things, and I always thought that I would wish to adopt whether or not I have biological children. I think that an adopted child would be lucky to have me, and that I'd be lucky to have him/her. Now I'm starting to wonder: If I can't have biological children, will I still adopt? I know that I would love that child without question, as I do for all of the children in my classroom. However, I would still long for biological children, and I NEVER want an adopted child to feel secondary in any way. I wouldn't see an adopted child that way, but kids are smart, and they would catch on to the fact that I'm sad because I can't get have a biological child, and they would likely infer that they were a second choice (when in fact they would not be a second choice for me). Does that ramble make sense?

I also take issue with the cultural issues surrounding international adoption (which is what we would do because we want a very young child), especially because of my studies in postcolonialism. Sorry for the jargon here, but the implications of a cross-cultural adoption are staggering to me, especially since I come from a HIGHLY patriarchal, WHITE, and CONSERVATIVELY Christian culture. A Chinese, black, aboriginal, or Hispanic (to name just a few examples) child would more than likely be treated 'differently' by our community. Perhaps just a few comments and stares. (I don't think my dh and I care about a baby's skin colour. We are a touch more enlightened than that.) But I'm guessing that a deep-rooted racism would rear its ugly head. And I don't know if I can justify raising, for example, an aboriginal child within my Christian culture if he or she would have been raised with traditional native beliefs, had he or she been blessed enough to remain with blood relatives. To my mind, if I had that child, that may be cultural genocide. However, as witnessed in the horrific aboriginal childcare cases in my home province, maybe the love of a good parent - despite skin colour - is better than a paid caregiver. Well, I don't really have to ask that question because I know what the answer is: a loving parent is a loving parent, despite culture, race, or creed.

I don't know. It's very complicated for me.

"So why not adopt an older child via domestic adoption?," you may ask. I'm a little bit afraid of that, having taught children who were being cared for by the state, and who were available for adoption down the road. They often have so many needs, such as Fetal Alchohol Syndrome. And that is so tough. So very tough on the child.

Ugh. I don't know. I have 50,000 questions, but no answers.

would you like some cheese with that whine?

My aforementioned niece has now scribbled this on her web site: "I am tired of my clothes not fitting."

Boo freakin' hoo.

Why do I torture myself by looking at it? I've got to stop. But it's like when you're a kid, and you keep wiggling your loose tooth, even when it's all sore and bloody. It's compulsive.

new specialist

I'm finally going to a clinic to get a referral to an infertility specialist. If I have to wait more than 2 or 3 months, I will check into American options. Don't really care anymore how much this costs.