Ovulation Olympics - Last Place

VAIR, VAIR (as Louise Rennison might say) discouraging news on the baby front.

In Ovulation Olympics news, I am dead last.

My RE said on Friday that he has thrown up his hands in despair over my charts. My temperatures were going down instead of UP. Friday's temp, for instance was so low that it didn't register on the chart.

So the advice he gave was to start injectables, which happened to contradict what he'd said at our last appointment, which was to go as high as 250 mg on Clomid (so far, I had been had 100 mg). He said that with the unpredictable ovulation, hostile cm, and a thin uterine lining, we should consider just going straight to injectables.

High cost? Time off work? You bet. He said that the cost would start from $750 per cycle just for the medication, and that I should expect it to rise to around $2000 per cycle, with ultrasounds and all that junk included. Likely, insurance will not cover this cost. Also, he said that I would need to be monitored, so I'd have to come in 3 or 4 days early in the morning to have ultrasounds and blood tests.

So, I need to work next school year in order to pay for all this, yet I can't really hold down a job if I have to miss that much work. That's great. Really great.

Dh had said that we would sell whatever we had to in order to pay for the treatments. Then, he told me yesterday that he doesn't think we can do it because we can't afford it. He prefaced this statement by tentatively bringing up the idea of adoption, because it would be a sure thing.

I don't know how to describe what I feel about this. I want the experience of being pregnant and giving birth, even if it's just once in my life. I want a dark-haired baby who has my partner's lips and my smile. Who loves either dirty projects and shooting gophers or reading novels and writing poetry. Or both. And I do not want an adopted child to feel as though he or she were anything less than a first choice in our lives. I would love to adopt, for sure! But at this point I feel as though a chosen child would be a replacement for the baby we can't have. Does this rambling make sense?

So I don't know what to do. We need to make a decision soon because we need to fit our career plans around this mountain. My career path is bright and shiny, in contrast to the dreariness of the baby mess (I just received a major research grant). Dh is beginning to encourage me to focus on my future, instead. I just don't know.

Where is God amid all of this? He's supposed to be closer than my own breath. But I said to dh that I don't know why I should pray about this anymore - or ask anyone else to do so for me - because God doesn't seem interested. This doesn't mean that I don't believe in God (which was what my dh thought). Just means that I'm looking for him in between breaths.

Waiting.

So, I'm on CD 22 today. I didn't take my temperature this morning, so I don't know yet if I o'd yesterday or not. Probably not.

Doo da doo da doo. *Waiting*

Not sure what to do next. 150 mg of Clomid is the next step, and my RE says he'll go as high as 250 mg. He also said, when I asked, that the next course of treatment involves injectables, which are expensive. No kidding: the quotes I'm seeing range from $1400-$3000 PER CYCLE. Plus gobs of time off work.

So, I am not sure what to do. Dh and I wanted to move out of Winnipeg this summer so that I could get a job in a rural town, but now we're stuck somewhere between the devil and the deep blue sea. In order to afford these meds, I have to work, but with the amount of monitoring that would have to be done with these meds, I can't work because of the number of days I'd have to be away. (It's not like I have a 9-5 job - I can't just make up the time elsewhere.)

What does everyone else do? Where are all the women in Manitoba who are making these decisions, too?

I would know if I'd kept up with arrangements for the home group. I've stalled there. I've been having a hard time with all of this infertility stuff again, so I'm reluctant to talk about it - yet I need to talk about it. I guess I'm just reluctant to talk because unless people have been through IF themselves, they usually say the wrong things. I need to talk about this, though. It's a weird cycle. I am going to have to firm up and continue with making the arrangements. Surely I am not the only one who needs to talk.

It's been awhile...

Just started a new job and it's been taking all my time. In a good way, though.

Saw the specialist last week. He did an ultrasound - it was CD13 - and I saw no developing follies. To say I was frustrated is an understatement. So we have to give it another 2 weeks, then go back to him to see if anything has happened. If not, he'll induce af and we'll start Clomid again, for the fifth round, on a 150 mg dosage.

I asked the doc what the next step is if Clomid doesn't work for me. He says injectables, and that he's hoping we don't have to go that route because it is very expensive. When I attempted to look up the cost on-line, I saw numbers ranging from $400 to $1500 per month. Oh my.

Feeling very discouraged. A woman I know just had a baby and her middle name is Hope. Apparently 'hoping' that she won't have any more kids. That makes me so angry.

At my church, the thread running through recent sermons has been not to feel sorry for yourself. And not to say "It's not fair." I understand why they're saying this, but it is SO HARD not to feel sorry for yourself when there are millions of reminders every day of what you can't have.

Yesterday, one of my friends read something aloud from the P.D. James book Children of Men, and it was about a futuristic world in which women are unable to procreate. She read something about how a woman feels when she can't even do what animals do without thinking. I understood that statement.

Is there anyone to talk to?

Argh, I'm so frustrated that I may be incoherent.

I'm a member of an on-line infertility message board. A while back, I posted in a section of it, saying that I miss the women who jump off of our particular Christian thread when they get pregnant ... never to be heard from again. I wasn't angry, just sad. You get to know them, you pray for them and ask them to pray for you, and then they disappear when their prayers are answered. (Not all of them leave, of course, but a good number of them do.) I want to be there for them to share in their joy, too. It's too much of a drag to only focus on the 'before' of building our families.

Anyway, I just got a severe reprimand from the person who manages the site, and the thread was deleted. I felt so hurt by this. I guess I understand admin's point of view, but I still felt censored, to be honest, especially because of the tone of her message to me (especially the "you should leave them alone because they're happy" undercurrent). I don't get what I did wrong. I don't feel as though I said anything inappropriate, especially because a lot of us on the thread felt that way, and it was nothing I hadn't said before. But now I'm here, feeling guilty because of this . . . for I don't know what. For missing my friends?

I just get tired of being dumped by girl friends; the fact that these women are on-line friends doesn't make a difference to me: I still care about them, you know?

Is there anywhere I can talk in honesty without being judged?

Nurturing your own mothering spirit

Dear friends,

A friend of mine recently posted the following on a message board. It changed my outlook on infertility -- from an inward to an outward focus; I adapted the message for use on my blog so that it can help you, too.

Many of us ask: Lord, why have you given me such a strong desire to be a mother - to care and comfort and nurture another human being . . . and then denied me the ability to have children?

How different would our outlook on life be, and our relationships with God be, if we changed that question to a statement grounded in faith and service:

Lord, you have given me the gift of a mothering spirit, and I feel moved to care for and comfort and nurture another human being. Please send me the person, child, baby, or any living thing that you think needs to feel my mothering touch, and I will share your heavenly love through my actions on earth.

This is my new prayer - a prayer that God answers daily, as he is always bringing me something or someone that needs a little mothering! Of course, I still ache for my little dark-haired baby, but [...] all I can do is make my heart fertile ground and God will do the rest.

Contact info

As promised, here is the e-mail address: rockedbyfaith@hotmail.com. Drop me a note if you're interested in the home group!

More about home group

Background information on this home group idea:

Well, the circumstances surrounding this group have been strange, to say the least, but then again, God's methods are always mysterious.

First, on the way to my HSG a few weeks ago, I asked my dh for prayer regarding an idea that had been planted in my head: a home group for women who have faced/are facing infertility. We had a long talk about it. He warned me that if I pray about it, things will happen, and they will happen sooner than I expect.

Now, throughout my adolescence and my twenties, I have been on-again, off-again friends with this girl. We seem to drift apart for unknown reasons and then get together again at crossroads in our lives. Well, guess who I see when I walk into the waiting room for the HSG???? -- this friend of mine! Oh, man, was that ever awkward. Anyway, she wanted to know why I was there, and I hedged. We're from the same small community, so I didn't want word getting out about my infertility issues. As she and I talked, two very subtle 'baby' references slipped from her, and it was enough for me to wonder if she was there for the same reason I was. But she left for her appointment and I didn't see her after that. And she didn't leave my dh with her number or e-mail when she left.

So, clearly this was a sign from God as a result of my prayer, 15 minutes later! (It was like God smacking me upside the head and saying, "I'm HERE, in case you forgot!!!!") Since then, I've made contact with her and found that she is, in fact, going through infertility treatments. She is the first person that I know of (face to face) who is suffering from infertility. And I have been lonely for female companionship and understanding through this journey. Our paths have crossed again for a reason. God's ways are so mysterious. I know that's a cliche, but it's so true, I can't get over it. So I am praying that he unfolds events in his own time.

So I've invited her, but she hasn't said anything specific about it yet. She knows about it and she'll act on it when she's ready. There's no one else yet, but I know there are women coming -- God wouldn't have me do this if he didn't intend to send people my way! Another person has expressed interest -- I am hoping that it will work out!

Other than that, I'm working in conjunction with a friend in New Zealand: she and her dh are setting up a similar group in their church. So we'd like to stay linked up for support.

I'm trying to set this up through my church, but we'll see what happens, since they want me to complete their foundations course, first. I'll do it, even though I do not like the handbook they use, but the dates/times of the class usually conflict with work, etc. I hope it works out.

So, that's the scoop. It's not the best time in terms of my scheduling -- I just started commuting during the week -- but I can work around that. I can't wait to get this off the ground!

Infertility: Things We Wish You Knew

Things We Wish You Knew

*adapted from the American RESOLVE web site

That it is probably the most devastating thing that we will ever experience
That it ruins our self-esteem

That it affects our relationships with everyone that we know

That it interferes with our day to day functioning

That the medications make us moody and emotional and cause us to gain weight

That it makes us feel violated

That it is very expensive to go through treatment and to adopt

That it is emotionally draining

That it changes our lives forever-we will never again be the same people that we once were

That people experiencing infertility have depression rates that are equal to those experiencing cancer

That it is a life-altering experience

That it makes us question everything we ever believed in

That these are medical issues, not lifestyle issues. Talk to us as you would someone who has heart disease, diabetes, or any other medical condition. Be a sounding board for the tests, results, side effects, etc of the treatments. NEVER suggest relaxing or having sex more often-

Realize that a pregnancy that results from infertility is not the same as others. Infertile couples may have a hard time easing up and enjoying their pregnancy After being used to receiving disappointment, pregnancy is not yet the end of the road

Even though your intentions are good, you will probably say something that is offensive to us because this is such a sensitive subject

No matter how close the friendship, it will be hard to completely connect with fertile friends
There is always something there that others cannot understand, even when you do try so hard to empathize

Infertility affects all aspects of your life and the pain is inescapable You are confronted with it at work, at the mall, walking down your street, on television, with family and friends when they don't even know it Kids are life's common denominator When you can't participate in these conversations (and they are everywhere) you just don't fit in anywhere-

Baby showers are one of the most painful events that we can be asked to attend

In this day and age people need to be more cognitive that some people may want kids and are having trouble and some people may not want children for certain reasons. It is not up to family/friends to provide a running commentary on the issue. You never know the situation of the person you are talking to (some people are not open about their infertility treatments) so it's better to err on the side of caution and not make a lot of pregnancy comments/questions

To remember that if I am acting mad at times, I am not mad at you, I am mad at my life
That I will talk about things that are happening with my treatment when I am ready

It's hard to know what I will be doing next. If there were a script, it would be easier to predict the future, but everyone is different.

That unless you have done what I've done and been through what I have been through, you can't possibly know how I feel and can't possibly know what to tell me to do about the pain and frustration that infertility brings

That I will be okay again, but I don't know when So when I seem okay, just accept that as a good thing for the moment, and don't press me, because I don't know how long the feeling okay again thing will last.

Going through infertility is like being on a roller coaster-there are constant ups and downs and surprising drops We never know what is around the next curve and work very hard to just stay fastened in our seats

Infertility is a journey that will take us to many places we never thought of or knew about and it will shape us into new people (some of our newness will be good and some will not be) and change how we look at and deal with everything in our lives Once you've been on this journey you are never the same again

That the sadness that accompanies infertility sometimes comes unexpectedly and at the most awkward moments I wish I could plan my depression! But unfortunately, it just doesn't work out like that Of course, these moments come when I'm surrounded by other people-- watching TV with a group and you see a commercial with a couple holding a baby-- totally unrelated to parenting, pregnancy or whatever, but it's just the image that is devastating.

For me (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people experiencing infertility) the greatest fear is that I will never have a child Each failed treatment cycle, especially as your treatment gets more high-tech, makes this fear even larger If we could just somehow know that we would have a child, a lot of the stress would be alleviated

I wish family and friends could understand why holidays, baby showers, and just hearing about or being around other people's children and pregnant woman, can be so hard sometimes

That medical treatments are very painful, emotionally and physically

That infertility is a degrading experience-we often feel like failures, like our bodies are not our own, like everyone in the world has touched us, and most especially that the most private part of our lives (our physical relationship with our spouse) has been completely invaded

That infertility treatment is very clinical and definitely is not "fun"

That treatment cycles move very slowly, so try to be patient

That we are at the mercy of the medical world
That grief is a VERY important part of the healing process for us- please let us be sad when we need to be We have to mourn our losses.

Starting a home group...

I am starting a cell/support group for women in Winnipeg (and surrounding areas) who are experiencing infertility.

It's a Christian group, but you definitely don't have to be a Christian to join -- all women who are experiencing infertility are welcome. We're a small group so far: only two or three of us, but I'm expecting God to lead more people our way.

The group's focus will be on Bible study, prayer, acts of kindness, and supporting each other (and being supported) through this journey towards our families.

As for a personal introduction, I am a 28-year-old teacher and grad student. I live in Winnipeg with my dear dh. I grew up in a Christian home and was baptized when I was 20 years old. I thank God every day for my infertility experience -- as strange as it sounds -- because I have ripened in my faith. For instance, I am not involved in my church at all, but God is moving in my heart to start this cell group, so I am going out on a limb by doing this. If infertility means that I finally become a part of a home group, then I guess it's worth it. All the same, though, I remind God every day that I am ready to be a mother! *wink*

Anyway, I am a caring person with a bizarre sense of humour -- I try to keep this under control, though! -- and a growing faith. If you think you'd like to join me, please come out of the woodwork! If you know women who might be interested, please put me in contact with them. Let's not do all of this alone!

P.S. Oh, I'll have to put in some contact info, won't I? Ok, I'll set up a new e-mail account that doesn't have my name on it; I'll post it tomorrow.

P.P.S. I sure hope I start getting hits on this blog soon! :)

We are rocked by faith!

Ok, this is the kicker for me. I hope this will inspire you, too. I've shared this a number of time with an on-line community of Christian women (also going through infertility) of which I'm a part. This is why I'm Rocked by Faith!

Guys, the sermon at church on the weekend was so great. I prayed before the sermon and asked God to share something that was directly related to the whole baby schmozzle that we're all dealing with. Because I thought maybe I needed to learn something new and interesting.

As it turns out, the sermon was focussed on the concept of faith. Funny, eh?

Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

My pastor said that, a few years ago, an excavation in the Holy Land uncovered a bunch of civic documents that referred repeatedly to the Greek word for faith. Why in civic documents? Because they included a bunch of title deeds to houses, land, etc. Apparently, the Greek word for faith means title deed.

So think about that in context of Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. It means, then, that we already own what we have faith in. Faith IS the title deed. So when we have faith, we have to believe that we already own it; whatever IT is: in this case, a family. And I do believe that this desire for a family comes from God, so, in my opinion, we are required to believe that we already 'own' it. Isn't that fascinating? It put a great new spin on that word for me. (But then again, I'm a word geek.)

My only concern with internalizing this point of view is that it's too easy to think that, just because we want something, that God's desire will line up with ours. That's not a good road to travel. So, when I wrote the previous paragraph and then went back to it, I was worried that that was what I sounded like, because that's not what I know to be true: I definitely don't think that God necessarily wants me to be a mother just because that's my inclination right now. I guess the main idea for me is that I'm doing my best to accept God's will for my life. I'm interested to know what others think about all of this.

Anyway, here's another passage that is useful for me:

Romans 5:1-5: 1: Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
4perseverance, character; and character, hope.
5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I'm at the point of hope, people.

Tired . . .

Hi to anyone who's reading this! I'm just starting a new job, so I'm exhausted.
Have given up on this cycle, I think. Unless God performs a miracle, and I do believe that that can happen. But I'm at CD 22 with no ovulation symptoms in sight, so . . . I wonder if my doc will want me to have af first or if I will just go straight on to round 3 of Clomid? On my first round of Clomid, I started it on, like, CD 44.
Oh, I have PCOS, by the way (polycystic ovarian syndrome). That's the culprit for my current babyless state. It's a metabolic disorder, with loads of symptoms, including infertility for most 'cysters,' as we call ourselves. For me, I have irregular cycles, hugely cystic ovaries that prefer not to drop eggs, and a uterine lining that is too thin to support implantation. My lining looked ok this cycle, when I had yet another invasive ultrasound, but no o yet. I'm soooo wanting this cycle to be done.
Went to my SIL's place today and got to see my little toddler nephew. He's two and so adorable. He was so excited to see me. He jumped into my arms and demanded that we go downstairs to play. I wish I could have stayed. My SIL has figured out that there's a problem but dh asked her not to talk about it to anyone (including me). She's been through so much in the baby department, too -- two stillborn babies and at least 4 miscarriages -- that I know she understands.
Well, I'd better run. Take care, and if you're going through this infertility thing, too, have faith!

First blog entry...

Been ttc for 15,000 years, at least. If you have never gone through infertility, you probably think that's funny; if you're in the same shoes, you probably not only think it's funny, but you just sighed, as well. Ya kwim.

Well, I'm on a cycle that looks like it's not going to end anytime soon. My husband is going to go to my infertility specialist on Monday -- since I'm starting a new job -- to hopefully figure out what to do. I don't know if I have to get a period first or if I go straight on to round #2 of Clomid.

Yep, that's all for now.