It's been awhile...

Just started a new job and it's been taking all my time. In a good way, though.

Saw the specialist last week. He did an ultrasound - it was CD13 - and I saw no developing follies. To say I was frustrated is an understatement. So we have to give it another 2 weeks, then go back to him to see if anything has happened. If not, he'll induce af and we'll start Clomid again, for the fifth round, on a 150 mg dosage.

I asked the doc what the next step is if Clomid doesn't work for me. He says injectables, and that he's hoping we don't have to go that route because it is very expensive. When I attempted to look up the cost on-line, I saw numbers ranging from $400 to $1500 per month. Oh my.

Feeling very discouraged. A woman I know just had a baby and her middle name is Hope. Apparently 'hoping' that she won't have any more kids. That makes me so angry.

At my church, the thread running through recent sermons has been not to feel sorry for yourself. And not to say "It's not fair." I understand why they're saying this, but it is SO HARD not to feel sorry for yourself when there are millions of reminders every day of what you can't have.

Yesterday, one of my friends read something aloud from the P.D. James book Children of Men, and it was about a futuristic world in which women are unable to procreate. She read something about how a woman feels when she can't even do what animals do without thinking. I understood that statement.